Touched By His Dominance

Butterflies & ben waa’s...

2006-08-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

A few nights ago I asked Master if I could go out with a friend for the evening part of me just needed to get away. Being the kind hearted Master he is he said of course go enjoy have a good time BUT… (why is there always a but?) But you have to wear the ben waa balls and the butterfly and you can release every 15 minutes. Oh dear lord save me now, I had no idea how I was going to make it through. Rhonda and I met up and went out to dinner and could hardly eat I was to afraid to let myself relax enough and on a weekend the place was packed… I fought off most through dinner with one little slip that caught me off guard and just about choked on an egg roll and knocked over a glass of water.... nothing like drawing attention to yourself eh?

We walked over to the theater and went into the movie... busier then I had hoped but okay. the soft humming against my clit kept me in fits of uncontrolable laughter (not that we were watching a comedy mind you) Hell for that matter what the movie was about I really couldn’t tell you because I was lost deep into my own world or torment… I love it, I hate it, I couldn’t live without it... I fought and fought and fought, and let me tell you it was a long hard fight but as all slaves do I lost, Sometimes your body just has a mind of it’s own and try as you might it wins over your will power. After that I slipped deep into one orgasm after another until I had to excuse myself and head to the bathroom to breath without drawing attention to myself.

When I got home Master asked me if I was ready to play with Them and I was so excited and so very tired at the same time. In the beginning I went and got everything. I have discovered toothpaste is the be all end all of yum! Though mixed with ice it totally over loads the senses I couldn’t do it as well as I know it should be done. No one (or at least myself) can cause so much inner pain and turmoil to themselves. The tooth paste alone was enough to cause me to struggle to breath. Mixed with ice I thought I would jump out of my skin.

My muscles were so tired and I wanted it so badly but I couldn’t push myself over, couldn’t find the spot to hit no matter how hard as I was trying. I restlessly squirm in the chair my body craving the release, the vibrator humming madly against my clit and nothing. I wasn’t sure if I should scream or cry but damn I wanted it. My ankles brought higher, my angle tilting exposing myself more for him, my body trembling on the verge. Finally I just listened to Mistress felt her touch and relaxed… she said give it to us baby and I wanted to be hers I wanted to do it for her and suddenly it came and grins so did I over and over and over… in the end it was the perfect night. Every time was a gift and I love you both for allowing it me to experience it.

Nothing but a slut

2006-08-09T02:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes some of these are so hard for me to write because of several different reasons. Sometimes I’m just to embarrassed to talk about what has happened to me, Sometimes the scene is just so intense that I really only remember fragments of it throughout the day... then just sometimes the reality of what I really am hits me and not only do I not want to talk about it I hate to admit it to myself.

This last week since Master has been gone I have discovered I am nothing more then a slut. I need it, can’t go without it and if I do I get testy, cranky, and totally unbearable to be around. Master has often gave me to others and Him being gone this time was no different. The only difference was this time I had to try and wait to be used (damn is that hard). By the time He was ready to use me as His I was half crazy with need. If the end would have blown in my direction I would have gave into wave after crashing wave of orgasmic bliss. That morning Master had me put on the lovely little butterfly while attending to chores around the house, with in seconds I was flying and dying to cum but had to wait. By lunch I was dying and finally allowed to release and as the day wore on my muscles just gave out and it was almost like I was begging to release like every few minutes. By the time I was allowed to take it off physically I was exhausted but thrilled beyond words and napped. Later that evening I was all hot and bothered again and Master made good use of the slut I have come to accept I am. Though I would rather be Masters I have come to realize I don’t care who he gives me to (God I hate to say that as much as I hate to hear myself say it). He used me, made my nipples, clit and ass burn and it felt so good, He clamped my nipples, plugged my ass and I would have done anything to cum. I was his and I didn’t care. He could have used me until I was nothing but a puddle and I would have begged for more. The vibrator was driving my insides wild and I begged and begged and then it hit me… I am a slut that is what I am trained to be and that is something I am still trying to deal with and come to terms with and even though I am struggling with it God I hope it happens again tonight and tomorrow and….. oh god please forgive me for what I am

sad

2006-08-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

Masters gone for the next 2 weeks out of state... the kids are gone to his parents until the 13th that means I'm all alone and there is no one here. you would think this is the vacation of a lifetime for a slave but all I have done for the day is cry. There is no one to kneel for, no one to please, no one to even glace my way with that look... I use to pride myself on handling myself while Master was gone... right now though I think I have become so dependent on him I can't. I don't know what to do... I wander... I pace...I spent all afternoon curled up in my cage crying... I have decided I don't care what anyone says a slave is not really a slave if she serves no one. there heart my be that of a slave but it isn't the same. There is no one to say come to me pet and kneel by me... no one at all for me and even those that say they are well right now I just don't have the faith I should. If Master trusts them then that should be enough for me but my heart is just to hurt right now to see it. that's it I think I'll go back to my cage for the evening and drift to sleep.

Kneeling

2006-07-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

Kneeling before you my heart is given freelywith my submission
large blue eyes lift with a softness,
to meet yoursspeaking more than words
kneeling before youfeeling owned and vulnerablewithin your presence
yet strangely at peace knowing my submission safe…
safe within your hands…

It was brought to my attention once again that perhaps I have been neglecting my blog. So it was "suggested" I find something to write about. After sitting here staring at a blank screen for an eternity I though I would write maybe about my recent revelations and my new thoughts then I started thinking it would be easier to write about something I knew.

What better does a slave know about then kneeling? ahhh a topic I can prattle on about for hours. There are a million different feelings I have when I kneel and they all vary on the reason I am kneeling. The question is how do I organize and understand what they are?
As I grow and learn more of what it truly means to be slave to me, I've found myself at different times struggling to accept, really accept the basics. The basics of what it means for a slave to kneel at her Masters feet and surrender completely. The emotions and the feelings are what make me who I am. In the beginning kneeling was something that I did because it was what was demanded of me. Then as time went on it became more and more natural. I realized that there are so many different reasons that I kneel before my Master. I kneel before him in devotion, I kneel to overcome my pride, I kneel to confess and cleanse my soul and accept his punishment, I kneel to calm my fears and remind me of my place as his slave, and I kneel because it is who I am.

In the beginning kneeling was just that to me, it was something that a slave did because she was told to do so. I never hated it, I never struggled with it, but at the same time I didn’t gain the benefits that I receive from such a simple act of submission that I do today. As I am taught each lesson and stripped of each right I feel myself becoming more and more one with Master. I have truly become an extension of him, Master believes that a slave should hold her Master in awe, and I do. I kneel before him out of devotion because he has made me who I am and with out him I would struggle to survive. He has given me all I need to learn, grow, and thrive. I admire his strength and his knowledge and his patience. So out of love, respect, honor and devotion I place myself at his feet as a sign of thanks and gratitude.

I kneel at your feet because I am proud he is my Master and that kneeling in his presence shows to the world that I am his. I also kneel to overcome my own pride, it helps me to remember and accept who I am. When I begin to feel like I don’t have to do what is expected of me and make my own choices I find that by being set back into place on my knees is reflective and helpful.

I kneel before him when I know I have done wrong. I go to him and get on my knees because I know it is where I belong begging for his correction, and mercy. When I have disobeyed him I feel like I belong on my knees because I certainly don’t deserve to face him. I can picture and feel Master looking down on me and I feel humble and small and frightened knowing at any moment he is going to decree and enforce whatever punishment that he feel is just. I find it humbling and it knocks all the fight and rebellion out of me, it is hard to remain aggressive when you are commanded to strip, kneeling naked in front of the one who holds and controls your life in his hands. I can immediately feel my attitude and voice change and I can feel the fear grip my belly as I sink to my knees wishing I would melt into the floor.

I know if I am struggling with something and failing to submit I will be put on my knees sometime I am so angry when this happens because I don’t want to submit and I know on my knees my entire out look and attitude change. I am fighting for rights that are not mine I want to cry out and stomp my feet, not to kneel because I rebel against the power and the control he has in his look and his words. On my knees I know the wild aggressive side of me melts and I become calm. I begin to relax and I am able to focus more clearly on what is wanted and not what I think. The challenges become a part of me allowing me to freely, without inhibition complete what I was suppose to do. Maybe it is the tone of voice, maybe I know that being placed on my knees is the first step towards discipline, or maybe I just feel free to be who I am while I am there. While I am kneeling I feel more submissive, more complete, and more owned. I feel like I am not being judged but that I am expected to perform in the ways that I have been taught.

Last there is my favorite time when I can slip quietly to my knees to greet him or to offer myself to him. When he look down on me and I hide nothing but am proud to show everything. I am proud to know he want me and excited to know I am his for the taking. I love the feeling of being submissive it is a feeling of femininity and softness. I am proud to know I please him and that I can make him happy. I find it sexually exciting and begin to throb by just his words allowing it to happen.

The feeling of surrender I get from kneeling is peaceful. It's being content .. unquestioning .. always feeling safe .. it's being joyful that I'm a slave and grateful for the opportunity. It's the ability to be absolutely trusting of your Master .. It's believing in him even when he makes mistakes. It's letting him into your heart, wholly .. it's letting him into your mind to see all that is there .. it's a feeling of confidence in both him and yourself and it's a feeling of strength and the ability to truly feel his strength.

So what feelings do I have about kneeling? The questions should be what emotions don’t I feel while I am kneeling? It’s funny in the beginning I didn’t think such a simple act of submission could stir and bring forth such intense emotions however, it is such a simple act that bring this one so much joy.

Lessons Learned

2006-07-15T23:25:00.000-05:00

I stole this picture from gina lol but she said it was okay and let me tell you it’s perfect for how I have been feeling lately. Oh man has my last week ever been a struggle, total emotional roller coaster but now the dust has settled and I think things are beginning to a whined down. Though every tough time brings a lesson. Some you wish to learn, others you need to learn and yet some that are just heart breaking and would have best been left not knowing.

One thing I have come to understand, though I am sure there will be those that argue the point is that online friendships are different then real life face to face friend. In the beginning they may seem like it but the dynamics are vastly different. It is to easy to walk away or to hurt someone without a thought or care to the heartache and void that it carries with it. someone you fight with in real life you know you will see again you know it will work out and things will carry on. Online it’s like a death that person gets angry and they have the opportunity to block you or delete you and you have to face the reality that they potentially are out of your life… you can grieve like it’s a loss.

A few days ago while surfing through blogland I found the seven deadly sins of sisterhood posted on mija’s blog (she is such a wise wise woman).
Betrayal
Manipulation
Resentment
Jealousy
Envy
Gossip
Competition
Looking back I had to take a good look at them. It is so easy to fall into the traps of them without even realizing it and online it seems even easier because the written word can come across so differently then what you actually mean in your heart. This last week I dabbled my fingers in each one of those sins, not meaning to but the hurt was still as raw as if done intentionally. The goal to surpass them is to forgive, forget and move on. I didn’t do that instead I clung to my anger and let it hurt a wonderful friendship I had. If I could go back and change things I would but I can’t and for that I have learned my lesson. In the end it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong friendships are worth nurturing and saving and sometimes no matter how much you say you are sorry it doesn’t fix the hurt you caused. So again I will say I am sorry and hope I never behave so unacceptably again in my life.

Part of me inside allowed some of these things to happen because the reality is I have nothing that is mine. Everything I own is Masters, everything I touch is his … it is only mine to use to the extent that it pleases him… for his benefit or his use and sometimes that’s hard. He guides my day and I have to often account for every second of it. What I did when I did it and how I went about it. The thoughts and emotions I claim are mine because he just can’t stop me from having them but that’s not true. I remember once years back he wanted me to beg for something and I just didn’t really want it or to beg for it. (We all know how I detest begging, right?) So I in my infinite wisdom thought okay fine I will beg but I am begging because I was told to do so and not because I really want what I am begging for… big difference. Let me tell you by the time he was done with me not only was I begging for it but I was begging in earnest to be allowed the opportunity to beg for it. That’s how much he can fuck with my mind.

So anyway the whole thing began because I was trying to keep something for me… to have my 10 seconds of freedom to myself and got lost in the fact that I am not allowed that. It took Masters skill to slam me back into the world that is my reality and admit to myself that even if I want it, it is not my decision nor will I be allowed to have it. dang if accepting isn’t hard. though he has taken steps to ensure I don’t forget for a long time to come.

Last night Master got home after being gone at work for 24 hours. He literally worked from 10 pm Thursday to 10 pm Friday and he has another long shift tonight. When he is gone I typically miss him but can carry on the last few days have been weighing so heavily on me all I wanted to do was throw myself at his feet and cling to him even the touch of his feet are often a huge comfort but sadly my heart broke as I found there were other plans in the works first.

There has been a new rule as my training progresses, well it’s not actually a new rule but rather an old rule revisited… it’s 3rd person speech (luckily, with Gods grace it hasn’t been applied to my blog yet) I understand the point for the rule and yes perhaps it would help the frame of mind I’m in but slap me silly if it isn’t a hard habit to break. Lol part of me wants to scream it hear and get it out of my system IIIIIIIII there better, not really but a girl can hope right? I push I know I push and if I can get away with it WOOHOO for me. Is this slave like? No. Does it make me look like I’m well trained? No. Does it bring into question my Masters training? Yes. So why do I do it? Hell if I know. In talking to another Dominant I chose not to focus as I should on this rule and in the course of the conversation chose to sputter out the word I not once, not twice but 26 times ignoring all the warnings that were generously afforded to me. Finally I ran out of warnings and was assigned 400 lines…. But being the great negotiator I am was able to wiggle myself down to half by making a bet with the devil so to speak. Master on the other hand was less then pleased and claimed that I am a reflection of him and by pushing and testing I came off looking like an untrained and disrespectful slave. Which was the one thing I didn’t want to do. It’s not a game it’s not a challenge why couldn’t I follow one simple rule? So anyway my thoughts of clinging to him were placed to the side and instead I found myself in the corner kneeling on white rice for 26 minutes repeating over and over girl will remember her place at all times in and out of her Master’s presence. 26 minutes one minute for ever slip of the tongue. Was it worth it? by no means. Not only because it’s painful as hell but because I was a disappointment to my Master and because it took 26 minutes of time away I could have next to him giving him pleasure. A back rub, toweling him off after his shower, kissing his feet anything all I wanted was his touch, to be by him and I blew it because I was to stubborn to learn. It wasn’t that it’s even something hard to learn all it requires is taking the time to think before you speak. Afterwards Master allowed me to clean the rice up and kneel down by his feet and cry my heart out over the loss I felt. He comforted me and told me it would be okay to just continue to work hard and make him proud and that’s all that should really matter and he’s right but at the same time you just don’t stop feeling hurt. To top it off my other online girlfriend is gone on vacation and I have managed to not only get myself grounded but got the my phone privileges taken away until next Monday. (Have I mentioned it’s been a bad week?) So I can’t even go see or call my real time girlfriends and I just feel so totally isolated and alone. I‘ve been talking to the dog and I swear at times she’s thinking shut the hell up already.

You know I have so much more to go on about but I’m finally talked out and this probably doesn't make any sense so I'm thinking tomorrow is another day and another post so have a great night

Up to Date

2006-07-11T20:01:00.000-05:00

Journaling is just so dang hard in the summer because there are to many other things to do. We have started landscaping our yard and that entailed cutting down 7 oak trees that have been here since the beginning of time and bringing in 20 dump truck loads of dirt. Our yard is nothing but a maze or dirt and tree branches as well as shingles because at the same time as all of this they are reroofing the house. Major home renovations. I’ll be glad when they are all done.

Yesterday was our oldests birthday and it’s just so wonderful watching him grow. He’s truly our miracle child. He beat the odds and has grown into a wonderfully delightful boy who takes a lot after his father. My pregnancy with him was so very scary. I started having seizures during my 3rd month and was admitted to the hospital immediately. I stayed there on bed rest until the middle of my 6th month when things came crashing down around us late one night and I was transferred to another hospital to induce labor. They told Master our son had no chance of survival and my chances were very slim. I really don’t remember any of it I was so drugged and in my own little world and looking back that was probably a good thing. He was born weighing just over 2 pounds and wasn’t breathing they took him away immediately to another hospital and I didn’t get to see him or touch him. 4 days later I was transferred out of critical care and into a room with a woman who had just had her baby that morning and her husband, mom and young daughter were there. I tried for the longest time to hold on to my emotions to control them but I was alone (Master had to go to work and I was in a hospital in another state) so there was no one to turn to and everything just broke I couldn’t do it and I started crying. The little girl was sweet as a button and she heard me and said to her mom… that lady is crying and the mom softly replied to those in the room something must have happened to her baby. That was it I started crying like my life was about to end and the Dr. came in and I insisted I be discharged… I was packing my things and going home and I didn’t care what they said. Well low and behold he looked at me and said, have you seen your baby yet? No I hadn’t seen him. Master was able to go to the other hospital and see him but I couldn’t leave the hospital I had been admitted to. The Dr. arranged for me to travel by ambulance to the hospital my son was at and for the first time since he was born I got to see him. I was terrified his skin was so thin and he was tubes and wires from head to toe. I didn’t get to hold him, feed him, or change him but I got to touch his little hand and I just sat there for hours and stared at his tiny little body and prayed for the best. I did that for weeks and then the day came that I got to hold him. Again I was terrified I was afraid of hurting him but together he grew physically and I grew emotionally. Now you would never know he had such a rocky start. He is healthy and active and just absolutely perfect. Master and I are both very blessed.

When we decided to have our second child Master and I went to the Dr and they told us there was a 60-70% chance the same thing would happen. Master immediately said no absolutely not we are done. I have to admit that was the only time I have ever stood toe to toe with Master and walked away the victor. We screamed we fought I cried but I would not relent. I was willing to risk my health and my life and come hell or high water we were going to try again. Eventually Master agreed and we did conceive but we were prepared and though it was a very difficult pregnancy it wasn’t half as bad as we anticipated. That one’s birthday is less then a month away also.

So much more is going on in the D/s front our yearly camp out was last weekend and that was beyond a blast. Master used me well both physically and emotionally making it the perfect weekend. I have to admit I have been in bad girl mode for the last 2 weeks I don’t know why but there is a little devil on my shoulder screaming don’t submit don’t obey and heaven help me if I’m not listening to her. I know to disobey is like poking a bear with a hot stick but I just can’t help myself. It really isn’t big things but just enough to push him. Perhaps I can talk about that more tomorrow when I have had time to think it through.
Night all

Happy Independence Day

2006-07-04T11:35:00.000-05:00

Just a quick wish hoping everyone is enjoying this Independence day with family and friends. Master and I are going to spend the day out on the boat with his sister and her boyfriend and all the boys water skiing, intertubbing and just having fun. About 10ish they have a huge firework display off the island and it's fun to kick back and watch from the boat. I really enjoy this ime together and parts of me wishes i could record it so it would never be forgotten. I'm such a family freak... I think it's because growing p I really never had that and I want to recapture some of that not only for me but i want to instill it in my children. Okay I'm off to bake brownies for snacking ... Happy 4Th of July!

Honesty is the best policy

2006-07-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

Back the end of May my son asked if he could bring Rosie (our golden lab) to school for show and tell. I really didn’t want this giant fur pit shedding all over my new van so (I tried to talk him into taking the fish… however a tiny fish isn’t as cool as a dog that can turn the lights off on command.

That morning I dropped the kids off at school and head home to work on my morning chores before I had to haul the fur pit to school. You know how it is when one thing leads to another and time flies? (Hard to imagine that happening while your scrubbing toilets, good lord I need help) Anyway I realized I had about 10 minutes to get the dog and I to school on time. Ya’ll know that one long road… the one that goes on forever and ever? We have one here… nothing but trees until you get closer to the school. Well that road in conjunction with my new van made for a bad combination that fateful morning. As soon as I flew up over the hill I saw the light go on and I knew I was in trouble.

One of Master’s fellow officer’s got out and walked up over to me and said oh your S’s wife… I didn’t recognize the new car. I told her how I was taking the dog to show and tell and running late. She was kind enough to not give me a ticket but remind me to slow down. (Thank god she likes me.). As she was leaving I quickly panicked and asked her to do me a favor. Please don’t mention to Capt. Justice (master) that you pulled me over because he will tease me to no end. She laughed and agreed and I went on my way. I debated telling Master about the incident, I knew I would get the belt. You have to understand Master is a rules are in place for a reason and you don’t dare break them kind of guy. I tried to tell myself he would never find out. I reasoned that nothing actually happened but by the end of the night I felt so guilty I confessed everything and Master preceded to take off his belt and reinforce his disapproval on my backside. Now I make sure to set my cruise while driving down that dang long road.
I didn’t blog about because well I don’t want to bore you with all the punishments I get (good lord I would be writing for hours some days)

So you wonder why I’m bringing it up now? Because I am here to tell you if you ever doubt it honesty is always the best policy. Yesterday morning Master walked in and said Hey how fast were you going when officer blabalot (okay not her real name but she could have kept quiet) pulled you over? I don’t know Master I told you I really wasn’t paying attention. He said ya wanna know? Well no not really sheesh… must we revisit this? You were going 67 in a 45 She was getting ready to write you a 300.00 ticket. Oh good lord knock me over I swear I wasn’t going that fast she has got to be blowing this out of proportion… needless to say I don’t even want to imagine what the punishment would have been if I had tried to hide the whole thing from him.

I understand...

2006-06-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to reach you. I hope you won't mind if you do You can take this out.

I was thinking a lot about the conversation we had last night. We talked about being lost and finding a way home to the you, you know you are on the inside. I don’t the pleasures and the pain of real life on a daily basis. I don’t know the trials that you live with and you’re right I have the option to shut things off if I wish too. So can I say I truly understand NO but I wanted to share with you what I do understand.

I understand that deep within your soul and mind you are the most incredible slave. Your ability to give and to please surmounts 90% of the people we know. It’s not a hat you wear or a rep you put on but something ingrained upon your very being. That presence in and of itself makes you special.
I understand that this year has brought to your family, your heart, and your body a very devastating loss. One I know you still feel. I love you I know many that do and still I can’t feel that pain for you all I can do is love you through it all. I think it’s normal and it’s healthy to experience the hurt, the pain, the anger. You may always feel twinges of it. However, I know that you have a great strength and when its time you will stop grieving and life won’t feel so oppressive.
I understand the beauty of our friendship and how it touches my life everyday. We have shared our tears, our fears, our anger, our smiles, our silliness and our genuine caring. Without your inspiration and yes your ability to tell me the truth in a way I can hear it above all other voices most of the time, I would have been lost. I would have gladly given up to the pain and frustration of being alone for a lifetime. You bring me hope.
I understand that you are human. While it would be so awesome to be super mommy, super slave, super friend, and super wife every waking moment of every day it just isn’t going to happen. So please, as someone that loves you cut your self some slack, this time let yourself off the hook. Understand that it’s ok to fall down once in a while and no one thinks less of you but in fact we only think more. Submission isn’t measure by the surrender to what we want to do. Hell that is easy, anyone can do that. It is the times like these where you feel down and depressed and you’re struggling but you still find away back that measure who you are.
I understand that no matter how much we love people that sometimes we don’t like them. Sometimes they are just on your last nerve but it still doesn’t diminish that in the end you love them. Thinking of a day without them seems to diminish the breath you take. That is way of love and people. This week without hesitation or thought to repercussions, you have supported me, straightened me out and given of yourself even though I know inside you are struggling too. That is love.
Finally I understand that I don’t understand totally, that I don’t walk a mile in your shoes every day, and I can’t control those things. Neither unfortunately can you. So the best we can do is to be brave, smile softly, and find a way through it all. Just as I know you will and I will be there to help when I can. Just as I know the same is true of you.

So we may be lost my best friend, lost in different ways but we are together. Can I help you find your way I don’t have the answer anymore than you have that one for me. But together we are strong where the other is weak. Some how some way I truly believe we will find the path again.

Nighttime Woes

2006-06-24T01:04:00.000-05:00

With country fest in town this week Master’s been working nights, which means I can’t sleep…not a wink. No matter how hard I try I can’t relax enough when he isn’t lying next to me to fall asleep. I need the security of him close to me. I need to feel the warmth of his body…the rhythm of his heart and the gentle rise and fall of my head against his chest before I can fall into a restful slumber.

So this morning when Master got home he walked down the hall stopping at the bedroom door to find me awake and staring mindlessly at the TV. "Did you sleep at all last night?"
"No" I shook my head as I jumped up out of bed the tears welled up in my eyes. "and I’m so tired Master"

I wrapped my arms around him as I buried my face deep into his chest, his uniform smelled like campfire and it brought a feeling of comfort to me. "I just can’t seep without you Master" He smiled at me, called me his little girl and that he found it cute that I need him to sleep. He told me to strip and kneel by the side of the bed and as soon as he changed he would tuck me into bed properly.

When he came back into the bedroom he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me up over his lap and started rubbing my ass and gently swatting it. From the second he touched me I was wet and ready to rumble. I ground my hips into him and arched my back and he set straight to work warming my ass up until it was red hot and I was aching for his cock deep inside of me. He helped me off his lap and tossed me onto the bed slamming into me and we had the most incredible and raw sex.

He told me to get on my hands and knees and pounded deep into my ass and I couldn’t believe he was still as hard as a rock. I cried out and told him I couldn’t take it and he grabbed my hair pulling me and continued pounding deep into me until he released the last little bit of his energy into me and we slid under the covers and slept peacefully until well into the afternoon…

When we got up Master asked me how I slept when he puts me the cage and I told him I usually sleep great in there… I feel like I’m surrounded by a sense of security so he said tonight he wants me to sleep in there and he will wake me when he returns in the morning. I somehow think I’ll sleep just fine tonight. Sometimes it’s good to be the slave!

Objectified

2006-06-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

Schools out and summer’s in full swing for us! YAY that means there will be afternoons in the park and days of swimming and boating. I can’t wait, I swear at times I’m worse then the kids. This also means it’s a bit of a break time for me and I’m ready for it. Once school gets out our schedule changes quite a bit because the kids are around with their little prying eyes everywhere. We typically make sure that there is still plenty of Master and slave alone time the kids will be visiting Master’s parents for 2 weeks, there is bible camp, basketball clinics, baseball practice, swimming lessons, music lessons, and even art camp (okay maybe there is going to be more Master slave time then I thought ~eep~ but in the end my days are still more relaxed then when the kids are in school. Scenes don’t happen so much on the spur of the moment so I have time to mentally prepare and adjust… and accept… sometimes. Then there are just sometimes that no matter how I try I just can’t prepare myself for what he has in store.

Saturday night was a huge and I mean huge mind fuck for me. There are times Master does things that totally mentally fucked with my head. Things he knows will push me to my limits and test my obedience. What could he possibly do that he hasn’t done in the past you ask? He made it clear that he views me as nothing more then his property…an object that he can and will give away or trade if and when he so chooses.

Master has a really good friend at work. (I swear to God that S sees Master more then I do.) Both S and his wife are in the lifestyle and have been for sometime. Anyway, Thursday he came over for a bit after work and we got to talking and one thing led to another and he was explaining to Master how he and his wife haven’t gotten to scene since she’s been pregnant. (It’s been a hard pregnancy for her bless her heart) and he was getting a bit "itchy" for some action. After he left Master just looked at me and smiled and said he knew how to give S the best birthday gift and not spend a dime. Immediately I knew what he was thinking and at first I was totally excited. I’ve never scened with S before and honestly I wondered what it would be like. He’s just like Master in so many ways… strong, self assured, and confident… ummm arrogant.

Saturday S and his wife came over before we went out and Master pulled him aside and told him about his birthday present and I could feel myself trembling as they talked, laughed and bumped fists together (the great sign of manly appreciation) Then we all left for dinner. I sat next to Master and directly across from S and he was very kind. This is a man that’s been over to our house hundreds of times and we have talked to for hours on end and suddenly I could barely squeak out a "hi" to him. He would look at me, smile and try and engage me in small talk but still I was so nervous and worried that I couldn’t make eye contact nor eat. That made me feel terrible because Master didn’t pay for me to just sit there and stare at my food and watch the clock. After dinner as we drove back to the house I really wanted to talk to k (S’s wife) and ask her how she felt about the situation. Master told me to change the subject and I tried to remain quiet but it just wasn’t something I could let go. I needed to hear from her that it was okay and that she was comfortable with it so I whispered to her again just looking for a nod or a confirmation. Master swung around in his seat and told me if he heard one more word from me for the rest of the trip he would gag me and I wouldn’t be happy. I’m sure my face burned bright red with embarrassment and it was all I could do to just stare out the van window for the rest of the ride home. When we pulled in Master and k went in and S and I walked down to the shed.

I have never scened with anyone without Master standing 2 feet away and now he wasn’t even going to be in the building… I was terrified and then I would tell myself I was stupid for being so frightened… I tried to reassure myself that this is a man that Master trusts with his life how could I not trust Master enough to know I was safe in this mans hands. But there were just so many things going through my head it was ready to explode. How could Master just give me away as a birthday present… I’m a person… I am not a thing… I can’t be wrapped up and handed off with no more thought then you would when you give someone a vase or book. Yes we have discussed the fact that a slave is property... that I am his property but I never thought he really meant it... I thought it was more a frame of mind. but I am property and I am an object and I can be put awa,y taken out, and given to someone else and I don't have a say in it because well property doesn't have the right to say how it's used. okay fuck me over why don't you.

Side note...
That's why Master has never allowed me a contract. I remember talking with him about it once and he said... I don't need a contract with something I own. He gave me a look that let me know I wasn't going to win and said do I need a contract on how I plan to use my truck? errr ummm no... did I sign a contract with the kitchen table? hmmmm don't think so. So then why would I need a contract with you? are you any better then any other property I own? ummm well until the washer starts sorting and folding your laundry on your own I like to think so... he laughed and said what I don't need is a contract because I have the right to use what I own as I see fit. Instead what we need hee is a title of ownership...

Back to our regular scheduled blog post...
What if I didn’t compare to S’s wife and submissive? What if she’s a better slave then me? What if I couldn’t take what he dished out? It’s one thing when you’re use to your Masters styles and techniques and quite another when you are unfamiliar with someone else’s style. What if he wasn’t happy in the end… how would that reflect on Master? What if what if what if? ARGGGGG I hate the what if’s

S gave me a safe word and then ordered me to strip and go stand under the pulley. He cuffed my wrists and attached them and then flipped the switch stopping it so the floor was just out of my reach. If I really stretched myself my toes could brush the ground. There is something about suspension that I love. There is an ache it brings to your shoulders that you can settle into and get lost in. He picked up a crop and started flicking it against my nipples and he would stop and I would feel his warm breath against my skin and again he would start to flick them until they were hard as stone. Then out of the blue he let lose and with the hardest swing ever cut straight across both of them. My eyes flashed white my lungs burned my teeth clenched and oh my god was I wet. He insisted I stare into his eyes. Master does this and it kills me. It’s almost like you can see the evil inside of them If you ever wonder what goes through the mind of a sadist look into their eyes and for the briefest of moments you’ll know and it can scare the crap out of you. He sliced the crop against my nipples again and again stopping suddenly and I thanked God for the break however short lived it would be. He returned with 2 alligator clamps and pulled out my left nipple and snapped it on and then the right pulling additional cries of protest from me. He resumed assaulting my nipples with the crop only stopping occasionally to slap them back and forth or knead them with his hand. Holy crap did that bring forth-new meaning to the word ouch and yet using my safe word never entered my mind.

S then switched to a medium weight flogger and started a smooth number 8 pattern against my back, ass, and legs and it was absolutely to die for. He would occasionally stop and slap my ass with his hand eliciting new cries from within me. He stopped put on a fur glove and rubbed every inch of my body with the soft material until I melted into his touch. He switched to the paddle and my body swung back and forth from the impact of his blows. He wrapped his hand deep into my hair pulling my head back breathing deeply against my neck and the rest was a blur… there were cries, moans, and need all mixed into the rest of the evening.

When he was done he removed the clamp and kissed each one of my nipples and wiped away my tears and walked away leaving me hang there. I sort of drifted in and out of subspace for a bit until the ache in my shoulders snapped me back to reality and then I realized S was sitting right in front of me. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him I felt exhausted but good. He asked me if the scene was as bad as I had built it up in my head and I admitted it was hard but that Master had dished out far worse. He asked me if I would take more if it would please him… I nodded my head… at that point I would have done anything to please him. Then he said I’m going to tell you what I think of you. You are a pleaser and no matter what I would have done to you tonight you would never admit it was enough until I said it was enough first. I shook my head in disagreement and he said I don’t care what you think I’m telling you my opinion. (Damn arrogant Dominant) Why that was hard for me to hear? I don’t know but rethinking it’s still hard for me now… maybe it’s because it was the first time S has ever cut me off or not let me speak or maybe it was just the mental aspect that he doesn’t have to care what my opinion is. He asked me if I wanted him to let me down and my shoulders throbbed and my hands were tingling with numbness and I said yes. Then beg me he said and he sat back and watched. For any of you that know me you know begging is not something that comes easy for me. I would gladly take any beating then have to beg. The words sound hollow and echo in my own ears but I tried… I ask… I pleaded… I humiliated myself and I begged and he did let me down and I sank to the floor and cried out of exhaustion and relief that I managed to please him and honor my Master. He stroked my hair and told me that Master should be proud to own a slave like me. I babbled and sang happy birthday through sniffles and in the end he covered me with a blanket and we walked back to the house. He and Master talked briefly and k sat with me and looked at the welts and bruises on my tits and we said our goodnights.

Afterwards Master and I had the best sex ever. I thanked him for the night with a blow job and he growled at me to stop that he needed to fuck me and as he did he traced, pinched and slapped each one of my welts and fucked me until I felt like his dick was coming out my throat… it was an absolutely fantastic night though I hope Master doesn’t have anymore friends with birthdays coming up anytime soon.

This is a little ps I want to add to this…
I find myself in a totally weird and uncomfortable position now. This happened last Saturday and today S stopped over with another friend to chat with Master. Of course I wanted to be outside with them and chatting but I found myself freaking out. Like I didn’t know how to act around S. should I talk to him like nothing happened? I just can’t do that I see him differently now… our relationship has changed. No I was never anyone but who I am with him but now in a way I feel myself now naturally wanting to be more submissive to him. In a way now I feel his status is above me. Things have changed I feel different and I don’t really know how to act anymore. Do I go with what feels comfortable? I now have a different sort of respect for him one I don’t know how to put into words. Okay I’m going to post this because I’m tired of thinking about it and I just want to go to bed. I’m not even sure this makes sense anymore.

I did it :-)

2006-06-22T14:51:00.000-05:00

I want to send out a big ol’ hug, kiss, and thank you to Sir Storm Rider for allowing me to participate in his gallery and earn his gold medal. (it's now found a perm. home and proudly displayed down on the right sidebar) I encourage all of you to try it… it’s fun and can totally play into those voyeuristic fantasies while keeping your anonymity. If you would like to join Storm’s Gallery of honorific Ladies pop over to his site Storm & Wind and drop him an email with some pictures. I would also like to thank Master for allowing me to send the pictures… it took a lot of talking begging and promises of being a good good girl (or is that a bad bad girl? ~shrugs~ either way fun for me!) but he relented and allowed me to play with others so Thank you Master you the bestest!

Honor ~ Master's Perspective

2006-06-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

I was asked by my beautiful and wonderful wife and slave to write something for her blog. She said she’s always writing about me, usually good, bless her heart and thought this might help shed some light on who I am from my perspective. And she’s been so well behaved lately I felt a reward was definitely in order. But be warned my words are not flowery and I’m not a writer so don’t expect Plato or anything similar. I’ve decided to write about honor. Personally I think honor is important regardless of what lifestyle you choose to live but more specifically I believe a Dominant’s honor defines him as a head of house.

Honor is such a hard word to define or explain because really there is no one set definition. I find it’s really more of a concept and to try and set parameters on the word limits its possibilities. Therefore, being honorable isn’t something that you can sum up in a word or two, there’s many types and degrees of morals based on culture, education and conscience and each of us has to look within ourselves to discover how it pertains to us individually. It’s only achieved when you find a harmonious type of inner peace that derives from a need to do what is just. As a Master you will find yourself responsible for another human being who willingly place their life into your hands, and in turn we must be able to protect, watch over, guide them.
A dominant must remain true to himself, and enforce what is right or wrong based upon sound beliefs whenever possible. The integrity of a dominant must never be subjugated to serve the whims of others...otherwise, how can he remain a pillar of strength for those who would lean on it, and take heart in its existence?

I feel that every Dominant, at any time, is constantly striving to maintain his own "honor," based upon the value systems of his culture and the dictates of his conscience. The primary question we should ask ourselves is, Why? What are the reasons which compel a particular person to aspire to being ethical or honorable"?

The true test of a dominant’s adherence to a personal moral code is seen in how he or she reacts when they feels threatened. If their response is to take care of their own needs first, and feel no remorse about that afterwards, his or her moral code is questionable. It’s essential to protect and place the comfort of the one you are responsible for before yourself. How can you ask a submissive to go as far as laying down her life for you if you are not willing to offer the same sacrifice for her in return.

It has always been my belief that "honor," as we define it, is a combination of attributes. These attributes include self-knowledge, common sense, common decency and an innate respect for what is just. In addition, they include a highly developed sense of respect for others, and the ability to "walk in another man's shoes". In order to do this a Dominant must understand the needs and desires of the submissive. How do you do that? Communication.

I pretty much translate the entire concept of honor into the following precepts:
1) Do what is just.
2) Treat others in the same fashion as you would be treated. If this proves impossible, then simply treat them as they treat others. Pay close attention to how they treat others.
3) Take responsibility for your own actions, without excuse.
4) Do not refrain from admiring and offering praise to your enemies, if they have earned it.
5) Do not be afraid to say the truth, nor refrain from punishing the guilty when they have earned punishment.
And finally:
6) The only way an honorable person can make himself dishonorable is by altering the truth to serve his own ends, by altering what is just to serve his own ends, or by ignoring the dictates of conscience and common sense to the detriment of others. In such a case, they have virtually stated that "Honor is not important. Honor does not exist. There is no common standard of honor." That is a falsehood. The common standard of honor is, and must always be, what is the truth, and what is just.

The deciding matter for me has always been... conscience. An honorable person behaves honorably because it is simply the right thing to do, the just way to behave. As a child it was drilled into my head but that was also back in the day when a handshake meant something. One who lacks this ability or the inner drive to "do what's right" despite outward temptations and appearances, will find trouble when it comes to manifesting "honor." Such a person will be caught faking it eventually and lose the respect of those he leads. Your slave needs to respect you because of the person you are. You can’t force her to do something, there are consequences for that. Your slave does what is asked of her because she wants and needs the control you provide and that only comes out of a deep sense of respect she has based on how you have carried yourself. They respect your beliefs and trust that you will do the right thing with their life. Once these are in place the world is open to both you and your submissive.

Can an honorable man behave dishonorably? Of course. Through happenstance, error or weakness, any person who is considered to be "with honor" can behave abominably. We have all heard of scenes gone bad, trust lost, and relationships ruined. These acts can cause a Dominant to be thought dishonorable by others, even by himself, but does that make it so?
When a person stops trying to behave decently and honorably, they have no honor to speak of. If and when they once again care enough about it to attempt to behave honorably once more, for no other reason than the dictates of conscience, then they are back on the path, whether or not others think so.

How may one regain ones honor when it has been damaged or tarnished?
First of all, when, through your actions, you have behaved dishonorably, what you say no longer counts. When a Master has a reputation of violence, untruths, degrading behaviors (and I am not speaking of consensual humiliation) or poor judgment he has entered a time when his words have ceased to have any meaning. If he is to reclaim himself, then he must struggle down the long road where his deeds and actions, and not his words, will prove him to be what he claim to be.

Or, if you prefer the question answered in Latin: "Factis Non Verbis" (Deeds, not Words)

Seeking The Light

2006-06-10T20:18:00.000-05:00

This is my first of what I hope will be many guest posts. I'm so excited because I think others who may not want to have their own blog have so much to share. She did an excellent job and I just couldn't see not sharing her talent with all of you. So please join me in thanking her for sharing her thoughts with us. If you have anything you would like to share please email it to me and I would be honored to post it as well...

Seeking The Light
by Rose

The space where the girl was kneeling was dark. Only a single ray of light was falling weakly in front of her. She knew that the road wouldn’t be easy and there would be many obstacles to overcome and many struggles to endure. The light was with her throughout her whole journey, but only recently she learnt to recognize and accept it. But acceptance wasn’t enough, she felt it. It needed to go deeper, much deeper. Straight into her heart and soul. She knew that with it she would gain much but also loose much. But she felt ready, for all the losses that it would bring with it were nothing compared to the wings that she would get and the heights that she would see.

The girl was ready to follow the light that was just a weak ray in front of her. But as she was looking and feeling, it became stronger and stronger. Yes, she was ready to go wherever it led her, and with that her tears became an easy flowing river and the light entered her soul.

Home sweet Home

2006-06-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

Oh my Gosh what a morning! About a week ago our cat disappeared. Being in the country cats come and cats go but this one we had for the past 10 years so I was sad that she was gone. Then this morning I was cleaning the kitchen and I heard this awful meowing… so I went to the patio door happy she was home and no cat… I went outside and looked around, no cat but I could still hear the meowing. She must be hiding under the deck. So I got on my hands and knees and looked all around… no fussa. Where in the world was this cat… then it dawned on me, a week and a half ago Master cleaned the hot tub and the cat must have crawled in when he took off the access panel and then got locked in when he closed it up. The cat had been trapped in there for the last 12 days! So I frantically pulled the trap door off the deck and tried to pry the access panel off to no avail. I had to call my dad who came over to rescue fussa and now she’s home sleeping comfortably though skinny as a stick. She ate and ate and won’t leave my side but I’m thrilled to death she’s home and well.

Hand Signals

2006-06-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

She stood across the room from him engaged in conversation. The music combined with the clanking of glasses, and chimes of laughter echoed off the walls making the distance between them appear far greater then it actually was. She continued shifting her position until she was able to watched him mingle from guest to guest her eyes never leaving his hands knowing that at any moment he could signal her. Those hands, his hands, told her everything she needed to know. It was his way of making sure no matter where they were or what they were doing her attention was always focused on him. He had taught her that it was her job, her place to always meet his needs and in order to do that it meant keeping her eyes on him at all times.

His finger brushed the rim of his brandy snifter lingering for only a fraction of a second. Had she blinked at that exact moment she would have missed his command but he had trained her well and she wasn’t one to disappoint him. She excused herself immediately as a small smile spread across her lips at being allowed to serve him even if the task was as simple as refilling his glass. A wave of excitement washed over her at the thought of how truly controlled she was….

There’s just something I love about having to obey Master’s hand signals… I love how he is able to control my actions, my positions, and the very breath I take by a silent wave of his fingers. Not that this was always the case mind you… while I was learning them they were a thorn in my side and the bane of my existence. It was years before I perfected this skill.. Years of tears, failures, disappointments and punishments but looking back I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Hand signals are a form of art that a dominant is able to "create" with in a submissive and it reflects his creativity, skill, and perhaps his very soul as he weaves his magic and she performs. I have found that learning to communicate without word is designed to forms a bond that strengthens most Master slave relationships. Silent commands teach the submissive how to become more in tune with the dominant. A submissive must focus their energy thus often learning how to anticipate the wishes of the dominant enabling the submissive to better serve and obey. Master has often said that words can get in the way -- they are "noise" instead of an aid to communication and that teaching a submissive to obey hand signals "cuts out the middle man". In a sense it fosters a different, and in some ways more pure, form of obedience.

Additionally introducing non verbal commands into a Master slave relationship can useful for several reasons.
1. They force the submissive to concentrate and focus on the dominant at all times. This reaffirms the submissive position and service to the dominant.
2. They allow the submissive to show their submission and devotion
3. They assist in training by establishing a controlled behavior
4. They are a great way for a dominant to communicate their wishes from a distance or for times when the hearing of a submissive may be impaired.
5. Silent communication also great for vanilla settings. Through gestures the Dominant can communicate power and control without drawing attention to your lifestyle.
6. They are a great way to broaden your communication skills.

For myself I have found that having to keep my eyes on Master at all times remind me of his power and control over me. It emphasizes his mastery and my position as his property. It brings to the front of my mind that I am not there for my own enjoyment but that I am there to serve him upon his whim and command.

There are no specific sets of signals. It’s best for the dominant to decide what he or she is most comfortable with. I’ve known some that base their commands on a modified form of sign language. The positive to this method is that in a way it’s universal. The draw back is that it often requires 2 hands. (Sometimes not always possible with a whip or flogger in hand) There are also some that use a numerical system, assigning a number to a specific command. (This allows for a one handed command) The most important thing to remember is that each command is as individual as each dominant so chose something that’s easy for you to remember and work with.

Currently Master utilizes 27 different hand/command signals. I don’t recommend that anyone start with a huge list but to introduce them slowly. Master would teach them to me 3 at a time over several months. Not adding additional commands until I could prove to him that they were so ingrained into my memory that I could do them without thinking.

The following is the list of the commands Master chooses to use currently along with the corresponding positions. As you will see he doesn’t favor one method over another but rather chose what was most pleasing and convenient to him.

1. Come - palm up, index finger curled toward Me. (See how easy this can be?)
2. Come quickly - palm up, all fingers curled toward me.
3. Kneel–two fingers pointed down and curled up. Unless other directions follow, kneel in the typical slave fashion, facing me.
4. Kneel- head to floor (begging position) - palm down, fingers slanting diagonally from wrist .
5. Sit (on floor) – one finger pointed down.
6. Lie down legs together - flat hand , palm up fingers together (on back) flat hand, palm down (on belly)
7. Lie down legs apart - flat hand , palm up fingers splayed (on back) flat hand, palm down (on belly)
8. Stand (feet apart, hands clasped behind back) - two fists, stacked
9. Turn around – index finger pointed down and rotated in direction of turn.
10. "Pet" position (kneeling alongside My legs, head on My lap or thigh, arm around
my calf or leg -- a position of intimacy or comfort) - hand to calf
11. "Lap" - palms to thighs
12. Break position, return to prior position - Clap hands
13. On all fours, facing Me - fist, with thumb toward Master
14. On all fours, facing away - fist, thumb away from Master
15. Crawl – The on all fours position moved in the desired direction.
16. Open your mouth - fingertip taps lips
17. Be quiet, close mouth - finger across lips, perpendicularly
18. Remove clothes – a quick flick of the wrist from up to down followed by a tug on the item of clothing
19. Suck - two fingers on lower lip of open mouth
20. Cum- touching the thumbs together and forefingers together
21. Follow - finger pointed behind Master
22. Fill or refill glass - middle finger touching rim of glassware
23. Remove plate – fork placed across plate with tines down.
24. Dismissed – flick of wrist
25. Dismissed to cage – 4 fingertips of left hand touching 4 fingertips of right hand ended with a flick of the wrist.

Just thought I would share that… take it for what it’s worth… if nothing else it may add a little fun to the routine.

Gina's meme

2006-06-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

1. Who was your first prom date?
His name was Dan he was my first serious boyfriend. I was still only a sophomore and it was his senior prom we went to. My dress was long and ruffled and burgundy and I was so nervous because he went to a different high school where I really didn’t know anyone. After high school he went into the service and I didn’t see him much even after he got out. I often wonder what he is doing now. Looking back I wonder if he had a Dominant streak in him. I distinctly remember one afternoon we were sitting at his parents dining room table talking and for some reason he had picked up a belt that was laying there, folded it, and was hitting it against his hand. At the time I remember it sent a shiver of excitement through me but I had no idea why and let the moment slip by… or maybe it was just something for him to do and had nothing to do with D/s… one of those things I guess I’ll always wonder about.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)?
Jen and Lisa were my first roommates. The 3 of us shared one room but it was a total blast.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk?
Lol it was orange juice and something. I remember it was a group of us (including the above mentioned boy friend) drinking in a cornfield (hey what can you expect from a Wisconsin farm girl). When the guys took me home I remember them telling me I was fine and as soon as I climbed out of the car and stood up I fell and hit my head on the driveway. My mom was still up playing Zelda on the game cube and handed me the remote and asked me to get her through this screen. By the grace of God I some how managed and she never suspected a thing.

4. What was your first job?
I did the babysitting thing at 12 but I got my first real job working as a CNA when I was 16. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse and thought it was the perfect way to get started. And while all my friends were working in grocery stores or whatever for 5 dollars I was making close to 9 so I thought I was pretty smart back then. Besides that I really loved it and still do.

5. What was your first car?
A Toyota pick I bought for $600.00. It was so old that my dad had to mounts rear lights onto a 2x4 and the passenger door had to be bungy corded shut. But it had an awesome radio and a sun roof and everyone loved it.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
When I was 7 years old. My grandmother on my mother's side died of a heart attack at the age of 65. Sadly I don’t remember much but the memories I do have are ones I will cherish forever.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
Moved away? Heck I still live here not more then 15 minutes where I grew up from. Our children even attend the very same grade school I did.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
You know I honestly couldn’t tell you…

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
I was 6 years old and my mom took me to Florida.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
His name was Rick and he was way cool at the time I was maybe a freshman in highschool and he was a junior.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
I think I met both Rachel and Laura at the same time around 2 grade I’m really not sure who I met first. I figured I had to befriend Rachel or die of lead poisoning because she kept trying to stab me with her pencil. They are both still my best friends and were the bridesmaids in my wedding. Rachel moved to AZ. so I don’t see her as often as I would like but I still see Laura about once a week.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
A college dorm room

13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Master (he’s usually at work while my day is deteriorating)

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman?
My best friend Rachel’s. It was right after high school graduation in the park.

15. First thing you do in the morning?
Turn the alarm off and take a drink of water.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I’m not really sure but I do know it was classical music in the city park.

17. First tattoo or piercing?
I got my ears pierced in high school

18. First celebrity crush?
Kirk Cameron from growing pains

19. Age of first kiss?
The first one worth remembering was in high school

20. First crush?
Honest to goodness it was in the 6th grade to a boy name Jesse James. He had curly blond hair and I made him pull out his drivers license and prove that was really his name.

21. First time you did drugs?
I’ve honestly never tried them. Lol I have a hard enough time getting through life sober.

Tagging: Taylor (heehee I finally got you first… I think) scarlett and anyone who wants to play

A need to speak out.

2006-06-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

***Warning*** This is a rant and only a rant so feel free to skip it ***warning ***

All it takes for evil to triumph is for one good man to not stand up for what is right.

I know this post is going to make some people very angry with me and I am sure some people will suddenly erase me from there link list and for that I am sorry but I can’t betray my heart. I have to stand up for what I believe in no matter what it may cost. Sighssss yes sometimes I am simply that stupid.

One of my worst character flaws has always been that I can’t remain silent when I feel an injustice has been committed. sometimes that weighs heavy on me as a slave because slavery as a whole isn't always fair. However, my soul compels me to fight to right what I perceive to be a wrong and there is nothing I dislike more then judgmental critical condescending people. Please allow me to elaborate. Last week I received a very polite email from a fellow blogger. This email actually made me smile. It always makes me feel wonderful and happy that someone would take the time to actually come to my blog and spend even 2 minutes reading it and deem it worth linking. (Thank you to every single one of you… lol and thank you even more if you still link me after this rant) Below is the exact email I (as well as others) received.

This is just a courtesy email to let you know you have been linked on the blog at the address below under the category "Lifestyle Blogs". Nothing is required on your behalf, but if you are not already doing so a link back is always appreciated. http://www.alternativealbany.com -MasterABD-

Now I admit my link list isn’t very long and it’s limited to the blogs I really enjoy and visit but I appreciated this man taking the time to not only link me but email me and inform me. Something he didn’t have to do. So I decided he definitely deserved a link back. I quickly popped into his site looked at a few informative posts and made a mental note to update my blog with the link as soon as I had a free moment.

A few days later while surfing links I popped onto a site I visit occasionally and was struck speechless. I was horrified and terribly saddened by what I read. Below are just a few snippets I found terribly upsetting.

"One such troll approached me via email a month or so ago....." ~ what give anyone the right to judge anyone as a troll? Heaven forbid I email anyone for fear I may be considered a troll.

"He is unemployed, homeless and according to one bit i read .. sleeping under a bridge. (now if that doesn't spell troll !!)" ~ this to me is nothing but an ignorant statement and most reprehensible of them all.

"i don't normally blog about such creatures" ~ this is just pain disrespectful in my book

It literally made me sick to my stomach. From reading her blog I know this person as someone who is articulate, respected, and generally kind so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean no one could purposely be so cruel without just cause right? So I went back and read through month after month of posts determined to find the worst and try as I might I was unable to find any evidence of the claims she had so eaisly slapped him with. What I found was what appears to be an intelligent and educated man full of ideas and opinions that make a great deal of sense. Yes, perhaps he’s down on his luck and yes, perhaps he has made a comment that wasn’t received well (let he who hasn't cast the first stone), but is that a reason to criticize, name call and ostracize? Absolutely not.

These comments show a severe lack of compassion, empathy, tolerance, and understanding. It makes me angry that we as a society have come to feel it is okay to arbitrarily label someone negatively without justification. We live a lifestyle that preaches tolerance and understanding, yet feel we don’t have to temper our own rash judgments.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that words DO hurt and that it is wrong to toss them about carelessly because of a "gut feeling"? Yes it’s okay to be leery and it’s okay to be careful but it is not okay to be demeaning and hurtful. What ever happened to the golden rule and treat others how you would like to be treated? Again maybe I am to simple but that’s how I live my life.

I wrote this and then decided to not post it and sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning. Because I myself was afraid of being judged and losing friends and readers. So I tossed and turned most of the night thinking why does this bother me so and then it dawned on me. In a way it hits very close to home. I want to share something very personal… it’s hard to believe there is something more personal then everything I have already shared in this journal but there is. Several years ago my aunt lost her only son in a tragic accident. After he died she had a very difficult time coping. She lost her job, lost her home, lost everything. She stayed with a friend awhile, she stayed in a shelter for awhile, she stayed with my parents, she stayed with me and she even stayed in the hospital for awhile. Not that she was a burden on any one of us but it’s a very difficult situation. One day she was a vibrant hard working woman who had everything and was enjoying life and overnight due to life’s hard curve balls she began a downward spiral that left her nothing. She herself was was so very close to finding herself under a bridge and scares the hell out of me. How dare someone call someone else a troll because they are leaning on friends for support and sleeping perhaps the only place they can find that's safe and dry. May you yourself be so fortunate if you ever find yourself in a similiar position.

So what I want to say is shame on you if you are making these accusations based soley on a "gut feeling" and shame on you if you believe them. Shame on you for calling names and spreading gossip. And shame on you if you feel this man is a troll just because he is currently unemployed and homeless. So many people right in our own backyards are only one paycheck away from that very same lot in life. Does that make them trolls as well? The thought that someone would even utter that is sickening. They need our understanding and support and not ridicule and name-calling. All I can say to those who have judged others so harshly is may someone ultimately judge you as harshly as you have so easily judged others.

I don't know I have read and read... taylors post, the comment at the heron clan and of couse the post in which I'm refering to. Maybe I'm an idiot, and maybe the guy isn't the most well respected but I honestly don't see where the need for such meanness had to come into play. Show the facts and the reasons behind those statements and you would get a lot farther. I want to say I respect the group at the heron clan and I understand how she felt about the comment and she had every right to feel that way. And i would love to also share a link with them if they would allow e to after this. I guess I'm more offended by the insults and hurtfulness then anything else. I am really sad and lost at this point.

So I decided to share a link with this blog until there comes a time that it is proven to me he is not worthy of the returned respect.

Time together

2006-05-30T04:35:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update post. The weekend was fanastic so and the kids spent the weekend at Grandmas so Master and I had a little bit of playtime and a few slid hours of practice time together. YAY. The camp out is approaching quickly and I still need a lot of work before I think I’ll be comfortable trying this in front of others. That both excites me and scares the hell out of me. Sooo we shall see.

We took the boys out on the lake in the boat innertubing yesterday. We were out there the whole day and it was a total blast. Our oldest is such a water hound he could be out there 24/7. I just love laying in the front of the boat with the sun on my face and wind in my hair it’s so relaxing.. though Master and I made mention maybe next year we will trade this one in for a bigger boat. It was good when the kids were little and didn’t have any friends but yesterday all 8 of us made things a little tight. We also got to meet Masters sister's new boy friend and he is so nice. I hope this one sticks around awhile. Though when we stopped at the island (the one in the picture) to eat and Master was standing right next to me talking to one of the other boaters and as I was climbing out of the boat... one leg on shore and one leg still in the boat. C, the new boyfriend went to push the boat into a better position and I tried calling Master but apparently he was in ignore intricate mode and down I went into the lake. at that point everyone turned to look at us like hey did you see that... that guy just let his poor wife fall into the water... hee hee hee. but both guys were laughing so hard I'm not sure they heard. MEN! So I keep telling him I'm holding that against him).

Well this morning Master has surgery to fix his nose so hopefully that will all go well. He’s been so uncomfortable the last week. Though I know it’s a minor surgery I still am a bit worried. So I’m hoping for the best. Okay I'm off have a super great Tuesday.

This post is probably a little jumpy and not flowing but it’s 4 am lol so don’t expect much

Camping Anyone

2006-05-27T12:55:00.000-05:00

With the weather being so nice and sunny I am certainly suffering from spring fever and can't wait for summer to spend sometimes outside... if it's spent right!

okay it's a long weekend and I suddenly have the urge to go camping...

Master's top 100

2006-05-24T18:53:00.000-05:00

Quite awhile back I did my 100 list and thought maybe it would be fun if Master did one to. (help you all get to know him a bit better) I was really suprised how quickly he got his put together. Enjoy!

Masters top 100 facts about him.

I’m married.
I have a wonderful wife and slave
I have 2 awesome children
They’re growing up to fast
I served 4 years in the military
I’ve been to more then 10 different countries
I‘ve sailed on 3 oceans
Played basketball in high school
I’m into submission fighting
Also into kick boxing
I just broke my nose
I’ve been on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier
I served in the navy
I love to bow hunt
I’ve had many speeding tickets
I’m in law enforcement
I’ve been sky diving
I can fly private planes
Got my worst sunburn ever in the Persian gulf
I’m a member of the S.W.A.T. team
I spend a lot of time with the children
I often work long hours
Favorite actor: Steven Segal
I’m a sadist
I enjoy bondage
I enjoy causing mine pain
I get excited watching her tears
I’m a neat freak
The house must be perfect inside and out
Totaled my new truck a week after I bought it
Favorite actress Marie Heldenberg –Yum
My wife –Yum
Love to take the kids out in the boat
Not very trusting
Very protective of wife and kids
I’m an all American country boy
I bought my wife a dog
I’m a self defense instructor
I have black belt in judo
I work out 4-5 times a week
I run 7-10 miles every morning
I love the woods
Love the country
Love the USA
Respect me- respect is returned
Biggest deer shot with bow 10 pointer
Love to go four wheeling
I’m 6’4"
250 pounds
I love to eat- but of course
Love to watch UFC- Ultimate fighting
Fought in the Tough man this year
Won the first fight
Lost the second
Enjoy going out with my slave
Like Chinese food
Never use to
My slave got me into it
Drank a lot in high school
Drank a lot in the military
Don’t drink anymore
I’ve been out of the military for 11 years
Went to college
I have 2 degrees
One in criminal justice
One in diesel technology
I get easily bored once I’ve Mastered a job
That’s why I like law enforcement – no 2 days are ever the same
I’ve been in the hospital 3 times
All due to my kick boxing hobby
However I’m dedicated to the sport
I plan on building a house in the country within the next 10 years
Have I mentioned I love my slave?
Terrible at wood working
Getting better at it
Love to teach the kids different sports
Worked as a diesel mechanic through college
Fought in 3 wars
Skied in the French Alps
Swam in the Persian Gulf
Swam in the Atlantic ocean
Wrote this in the Dr.s office
I love to grill out
I intend to visit Australia someday
I don’t like traffic
I’m hard working
I’m an adrenaline junkie
I’ve gone bungy jumping
I knew from the first day I met my wife she would become my slave
I’m determined (or as my wife says stubborn)
I not only expect perfection I demand it
The single tail is my favorite toy
I have 2 tattoos.
I won one of them playing a game of one on one in the service.
I can speak 3 languages
I Hate snakes
I enjoy water skiing
I purposely make my slave do things I know she hates
And I enjoy it
God bless the USA

Sister

2006-05-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

Sister

by scarlettrose

Once you were but a name on a screen in a time I can’t remember when so long ago.
You became the IM I couldn’t wait to read on my average days.
We moved on to the voice on the phone that dried my tears every more often than not.
Now you are my morning coffee, my afternoon break, and my evening star in time that stands still but yet passes away too quickly.

I met a stranger and her thoughts impressed me.
I grew to know the girl and her mind awed me.
I became fond of the friend and her hand touched me.
In end, I grew to love the sister and her heart continually touches me.

Thank You my friend for being you and all that you do.
Thank you my confidant for sharing secrets between us.
Thank You my love for hearing my heart and answering back in kind.
Thank You my sister for hand that touched my life.

2 Meme's for the price of 1

2006-05-21T21:15:00.000-05:00

YAY I was tagged and it was a ton of fun... not only was I just tagged by Taylor I was tagged by gina like eons ago and finially got my butt in gear and got it done. I figured I couldn't do one without the other. I was having so much fun answering them that i asked Master to answer them to and thought I would share some of his answers with you.

Mine
I Said: I love you, be safe, and I have something to tell you when you get home. To Master every morning before he leaves for work.
I Want: My children to grow up and find happiness.
I Wish: that something I have done in my life has touched someone else.
I Hate: People who don’t follow through with what they say they will.
I Miss: Working full time.
I Hear: The kids laughing and playing outside my window.
I Wonder: what my life will be like 20 years from now.
I Regret: Missed opportunities I was to afraid to take.
I Am Not: Good at sports
I Dance: all the time.
I Sing: loudly and without inhibition to myself while I drive in the car.
I Cry: at every sad movie. (Lifetime channel)
I Am Not Always: On time
I Make With My Hands: music
I Write: Mostly ramblings
I Confuse: Everyone around me lol
I Need: A vacation
I Should: blog more often
I Start: huge projects if I’m left home alone that usually make Master shake his head and ask why?
I Finish: everything eventually (sometimes it just takes me a few errr ummm years)

Masters
I Said: Go away
I Want: The kids to go to bed so I can have my way with my slave.
I wish: My kids are successful and healthy (and at least one is a pro athlete so I can retire)
I Hate: People that complain about their long days
I Miss: My wife and kids when I’m away.
I Hear: The voices in my head
I Wonder: if society will ever go back to the good old days.
I Regret: nothing
I Am Not: patient
I Dance: terribly
I Sing: worse
I Cry: when my grandma died
I Am Not Always: cheerful
I Make With My Hands: pain & pleasure
I Write: nothing I have a slave who writes all my reports
I Confuse: my kids
I Need: a four wheeler
I Should: beat my wife for making me do this.
I Start: many things
I Finish: everything

and here is Gina's meme (sorry it took me so long to get to hun but it was harder then all get out)

20 years ago I...
1. Started high school
2. Was bulimic
3. Had my first boyfriend

10 years ago I...
1. Danced for the first time with Master
2. Became Master’s property
3. Got Married

5 years ago I...
1. Had our second child
2. Was working full time
3. Went to my first public play party

1 year ago I...
1. Was busy being a mom.
2. Took on a challenging career opportunity.
3. Ran for board president and won.

So far this past year I...
1. Have made some great friends
2. Have learned a lot about myself
3. Experienced a huge loss

Yesterday I...
1. Spent the day with Master
2. Fought through submitting to a scene I didn’t want to submit to
3. Had great sex

Today I...
1. Slept in late.
2. Caught up on household chores
3. Took the kids to see Over the hedge.

Tomorrow I will...
1. Go work out.
2. Say good bye to master for the last week
3. Get a spanking to remind me to be good while Master is gone.

In the next year I will...
1. Learn to say no
2. Hopefully become pregnant
3. Go back to school

In the next minute I will tag...
1. scarlett
2. Redsy
3. anyone who hasn’t done this yet…

Love

2006-05-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

This week has been a tough one. My best friend’s father passed away last Sunday night. Now while I know his daughter and wife quite well this is a man I had never met and didn’t know. So I was quite taken aback by the fact that his passing effected me so deeply. I attended the wake out of support for the family but as I watched his wife lovely stroke his face I realized how much love was there.

As the priest spoke I thought about my own relationship with Master and how much I need him and count on him being there for me. Everyday I look forward to seeing him, hearing him, feeling him, touching him, and smelling him. even when he is gone for a long day I find myself starting to miss him and counting the minutes until he returns. If for a moment I lost that I’m not really sure I could survive. That love never goes away just because the person stopped being there. It’s not something you can just turn off. I don’t know where I’m going with this… I just got very scared thinking there could someday come a time when Master wasn’t there and just the possible thought of that makes my heart ache deeper then anything I have ever felt.

Catching up...

2006-05-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

I know again I’ve been awol for the past several weeks but Master’s just had me so very busy that when it comes to the tiniest bit of free time I do nothing but fall into bed in a coma until master or the alarm disturb my slumber. Blogging isn’t something Master requires it’s my own little hobby that he allows so unfortunately it comes last in the priority chain and if for a moment it interferes with his expectations it’s the first thing to go.

I’ve decided that it’s much harder to start back up then I thought it would be, where do I start? Do I catch up on everything that I have left out this last month or do I just jump in and start from the point I am at now? I guess it would be wise to do a little of both. Just to catch up a little…

Master got a promotion at work. Out of the blue they called him and asked him if he would take it and he said yes. I’m ecstatic because it means on a daily basis he will be off the street and that makes me feel a lot better. Though he’s still not giving up his swat position so there is still that little bit of fear but at least this is a step in the right direction. Unfortunately it meant that for 6 weeks he has to leave Monday mornings and doesn’t get home until Thursday night during his training. Right now we’re at week 3. YAY!

I have to admit the first week he left I struggled horribly. I felt like the worst slave in world history. I didn’t do what I have read so many slaves do when they hear their Masters are leaving, instead I was counting the days and doing the little happy dance singing I’m getting a vacation… I’m getting a vacation! I even found a little time to take a nap every single day. Don’t get me wrong I love master and I love my service to him and I would never change it but he pushes and pushes and there are just times I am exhausted both physically and mentally. Times I wish and pray for a bit of a break and this was mine. In the weeks proceeding his leaving he pushed me to the point that every muscle in my body ached and throbbed and I didn’t know if I was coming or going half the time so this was the down time I so desperately needed. (I will go into that in my next post) Yes I still had chores and tasks and the workload was doubled but it was different and I enjoyed my week of freedom and quit honestly that worried me. Wild thoughts ran through my head that I wasn’t really a slave if I could feel this way. Then some good friends pointed out that I was still doing my tasks and following the rules and that it was okay to feel that way because I was still behaving as I should and doing things as I know he expected them.

I was a bit out of practice though and therefore I did spend a few nights sleeping on the floor. (Something I haven’t had to do in a long long while.) Master would call about 7 pm and ask about my day and I was so busy telling him about what went on that I would forget to think about the future and would forget to ask permission to sleep in his bed. As soon as I hung up the phone would ring and he would promptly inform me that I had earned myself a night on the floor next to the bed and he would hang up.

As for myself I have applied for a new job and am praying daily that it comes through. This would be my ultimate dream job. It’s only 6 hours a day Monday – Friday, no weekends, no holidays, and no summers (YAY) so I would be gone with the kids in the morning and home when they get home. Master approved and allowed me to put in my resume so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

In other news…
My son won his invention fair (I am so very proud of him), my best friend found out her dad has leukemia so I have been trying to be very positive and supportive for her and that has been very draining. And last but not least all of my volunteering projects are dwindling down with the end of the school year soon approaching (yay again) so that’s about it… and yesterday was Master’s birthday Smiles so I will have to find time to tell you all about that too. I will try and get on that tomorrow…

And for all you loving hard working mom’s out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

A new experience

2006-04-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids to death, they are my world and the reason I strive to be the very best I can be but at the same time I am thrilled when master and I have blocks of alone time together. Time when we can shut the world out for a few days and immerse ourselves into the lifestyle getting lost in the depths of our darkest fantasies. Times when master can take me to the places we really want to experience but can’t due to life’s everyday obligations. This last weekend was one of them. I wish I could share it with you to explain more then what I went through but the thoughts and emotions that accompanied my days but in all reality I can’t. When my days become so intense and last for an extended period of time I get lost so deep into myself that when I come out it’s hard to recall the emotions and feelings that went along with those events. I admire the people that can do that and wish I had their talent.

The boys left Thursday after school to spend the Holiday up at Masters parents leaving us 5 whole days to ourselves (except we met up with them on Sunday for the day). So Master had plenty of time to push me into forgetting who I was and exist only for him. He warned me plenty in advance that the weekend was going to be long and intense mentally preparing me for what he had in store and actually well before Thursday Master began to push my headspace deeper then usual. The nights preceding he dressed me up in a strange combination of heels, collar, corset, pony plug, arm sleeves and gag then made me stand perfectly still for hours out of his immediate line of sight. If at anytime he caught me dropping my chin, stretching my muscles, or relaxing my position I was immediately corrected. Once when he left the room and I watched the clock tick by 5 minutes… 10 minutes… Without even realizing it I let my stance relax and as soon as I heard master approaching firmed back up again which met with a swift and harsh correction of his crop and the lecture that no slacking was acceptable even if he wasn’t in the room. At first it was new and exciting I felt like an object… art for his eye. I wanted to please him and knew this was only the first step to something bigger. The longer I stood there the more my toes cramped and muscles ached. I whimpered my discomfort and that only gained me farther punishment. He would walk over to me grabbing my hair in his fist and whisper into my ear. He would brush the crop against my skin or twirl it around in my tail… That tail, I hate that tail and love it. It torments me; it makes me feel… I don’t know embarrassed maybe? When it brushes against the back of my legs it reminds me that I have this animal tail sticking out my ass and that I am noting more then not human… his pet in a way. Dirty… naughty… humiliated… and hotter then hell at having to subject myself to it.

Night two I found myself in the same position. My jaw throbbed, I was covered in drool, my shoulders burned and my nose itched. I wanted to look around; I was dying to speak, curious to know what the goal was. Thoughts raced through my head minutes seemed like hours and I convinced myself it was never going to end and all I could do was fix my eyes to a spot on the wall and mentally keep willing myself to embrace the discomfort and get past it. I kept telling myself you can handle it… you can do anything for an hour. But time never moved so slowly and Master was relentless demanding perfection. Time after time my ankles separated, or my thighs parted and the crop painfully punished my flesh I was so frustrated I wanted to scream at him I am not perfect and this is stupid and boring and I hate it. I was pissed at myself how hard is it to stand here?
Thursday Master planned to chaperone a field trip our youngest son was going on but he had worked the night before. So when he got home I suggested he take a nap and since I had some school board business I would get the kids to school and wake him at 8:20 to be to the school at 9. Amazing how one thing can lead to another and time can fly. It wasn’t that I forgot it was I got myself confused. I don’t know how I kept saying I had to be home to wake him by 9 and as I walked out of the building I saw the school bus pull up and panic struck me I felt ill. I grabbed Rhonda’s cell phone and couldn’t dial I was so frantic. Master woke up, answered the phone and growled as I stumbled through my explanation of how he had only 15 minutes to get dressed and to the school (good thing we only live 5 minutes away) we passed each other on the way home and I knew immediately he wasn’t pleased.

I hate knowing I’m going to be punished and then having to wait for it. I hate even more knowing I rightfully earned and deserve it. (This was my second “time” offense in the last month. I forgot to set the clocks back for daylight savings and Master was an hour late to work). He returned home from the field trip about 1 and decided a spanking wasn’t on the agenda since my ass was already welted from the crop. Instead he sent me to the store to buy some ginger root and to add insult to injury the money had to come from my own measly allowance. Now ya know ginger root is a perfectly innocent item that hundreds of nonkinky people walk in to groceries all over this country and buy and no one thinks twice about it but I was mortified. I was sure everyone knew why I was buying it and what was about to happen. I mumbled something about making chicken and forgetting it earlier, shoved it in my bag and headed for the door faster then an Olympic runner doing the 50-yard dash. When I returned home Master was outside filling the little push cart that you use to fertilize the lawn. He told me to go inside and peel two and to cut one of them into slices. I did as told and soon Master was behind me. He pulled down my jogging pants and told me to spread my legs, bend over and touch my toes. Soon I felt the root placed against my hole and forced deep inside of me until it was seated in place. He told me to stand straight, face him and spread my legs once again and he started to push the slivered pieces of ginger into my pussy. Can ya guess what happened next? Yup you guessed it the pants went up and I was sent outside to fertilize the lawn. My ass was burning, my pussy was burning I was completely miserable and Master sat in the lawn chair and watched me try to walk without causing myself to much discomfort driving home the humiliation.

Anyway that’s how my week started out…

I think I’m going to stop here mostly because I’m still beat and I want to go snuggle up next to Master and watch a little tv before bed.

personal DNA tag

2006-04-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

Master is allowing me a few minutes of computer time so I thought I would share this
(hope this makes me look like I'm not really a raving lunitic)

You are a Faithful Analyst.

You are an Analyst
Your attention to detail, confidence, sense of order, and focus on functionality combine to make you an ANALYST.
You are very curious about how things work, delving into the mechanics behind things.
Along those lines, how well something works is usually more important to you than what it looks like.
You find beauty and wonder mainly in concrete, functional, earthly things.
You are very aware of your own abilities, and you believe that you will find the best way of doing things.
Accordingly, problems do not intimidate you, as you believe in yourself.
You trust yourself to find solutions within the boundaries of your knowledge.
You don't spend a lot of time imagining how things could be different—you're well-grounded in the here-and-now.
It is important for you to follow a routine, and you prefer the familiar to the unknown.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
Never one to be found in chic boutiques or trendy clothing stores, you take an extremely practical approach to getting dressed.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If You want to be different:
Try to embrace the imaginative, creative part of your personality more often.
Try moving beyond the things that you find comfortable—open yourself up to a broader range of experiences.

How you relate to others
You are Faithful
Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.
Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.
While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.
Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.
Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.
Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
Never one to be found in chic boutiques or trendy clothing stores, you take an extremely practical approach to getting dressed.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut.

While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them.

Faithful Analyst

Smart Right Foot???

2006-04-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so silly that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

Fantasy Spanking Location

2006-04-08T08:23:00.000-05:00

I found this over by Bonnie's and had to try it out. I tell ya it hit right on the spot... sign me up and let's go. YUM!

Where is Your Ideal Fantasy Spanking Location?

Deep within the dungeon of an ancient castle is your ideal fantasy spanking location. The smell of aged leather... The clank of the heavy chains... Before the night is done, you will experience new dimensions of both pain aned pleasure.
Take this quiz!

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The Importance of Tears

2006-04-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

A single tear starts to form
Then trickles down your cheek
Your voice is soft and shows remorse You tremble when you speak…

The other day a friend and I stumbled onto the topic of punishments and tears. She mentioned that she typically didn’t cry during a punishment but that night her tears had come and she wasn’t sure what had brought about the change. Later that night my mind drifted back to all the spankings master has given me over the years and though the positions may have vary and the implements change the one thing that always remained consistent was that I always ended up in tears. So the more I thought about it the more I wondered why the tears were so important to me, what do they mean, and what are they a sign of?

For me crying isn’t about the pain from the spanking itself, the spanking is merely the catalyst that allows the tears to come without inhibition. They’re a physical response to a feeling conceived deep with in the soul as an expression of emotion. Born from feelings of disappointment, guilt, confusion, shame, inadequacy, embarrassment, and yes, at times even anger. Often they are triggered by nothing more then a harsh word or disappointed look from the one that means so much to us. I find my tears threatening to spill just at the knowledge I have failed to live up to his expectations because there is nothing more I want and need then to please him.

For me they provide an outlet for emotional release, which allows me the opportunity to cleanse and rejuvenate my spirit. It gives me the chance to put the mistakes behind me, forgive myself and move on with the knowledge I learned from my mistakes. Scientists have discovered there are 3 different types of tears and that tears triggered be emotions contain higher levels of manganese and the hormone prolactin, and this contributes in a reduction of both of these chemicals in the body; helping to keep depression away. Many people have found that crying actually calms them after being upset, and this is in part due to the chemicals and hormones that are released in the tears. I have to believe this to be true because usually after a good cry I find myself a little drained, somewhat relaxed, and completely calm and obedient.

I asked Master why he felt a need to bring me to the point of tears during a punishment spanking and he explained that the tears are a sign of my acceptance and surrender to his will. And that he knows when I’m being resistant and clinging to that "You think you're going to make me cry? Well, I'll show YOU!" rebellious and stubborn attitude that it’s clear the lesson hasn’t been taught, nothing will change and I will not grow in my submission to him. I have to be brought the point where internally the dam breaks and the emotion pours out and with that comes acknowledgment, growth, and maturity.

In the end they help remind me who I am and who is in control by stripping me of everything and leaving me at my most venerable for him to teach, guide and build me into what he expects and wants of me.

Okay who knew that tears were so complicated… or maybe I am just way over analyzing so I’ll stop babbling for now and hope this all makes a bit of sense… I also wanted to mention that Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts posted this as a brunch question last week so if you want to go see what other people thought about the topic go pop on over.

Alternative Uses

2006-04-01T13:25:00.000-06:00

Master has decided for the next month underwear for me is out. At first i thought no big deal it's just a tiny little piece of fabric and the perk is less laundry… but dang it feels odd. There is just something comforting about that lil piece of my wardrobe that I have grown attached to. Maybe part of it is the thought that once again at his whim with no rhyme or reason he can take away anything and everything.

Now the question however is what am I suppose to do with the drawers full of underwear I already have? So being the efficient lil slave girl I am, I am trying not to be wasteful and put these little pieces of cloth to good use for his enjoyment (of course)… so thanks to some very creative friends here is my top 20 list of alternative uses.... please feel free to add your thoughts abd ideas to my comments... a girl can never have enough suggestions ~winks~

1. Great for shining his shoes
2. Festive golf clubs covers...
3. Great shirts for headless dolls
4. Gags
5. Restraints
6. Blindfold
7. A hankie for his suit coats… let’s hope he doesn’t have to sneeze in a meeting
8. Waxing his car
9. Cleaning the windows
10. Great dust cloth for polishing the toys
11. Coffee filter for his coffee?
12. Scented washcloth?
13. A necktie for those special parties he’s so fond of.
14. An emergency bra? It may not lift but it would separate. Hey he only said no underwear…
15. An emergency condom… (after all we are still trying to get pregnant.)
16. Emergency coaster’s for his office desk
17. Frame it, hang it above the fireplace and call it art
18. Tie them together… a great mop head for scrubbing floors
19. Great for the garage sale as outdate memorabilia
Last but not least…
20. Bury them in a time capsule for the year 3006 so when found they can ask what the heck were these… and then refer to your above list of general purposes

How Much is Too Much

2006-03-27T22:20:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation with a distant friend yesterday that led me to do something that I have never done in all the years I have been practicing this "lifestyle" with Master and that is to become embarrassed and lie about who and what I am. I don’t know why I did it but I did and it has weighed heavily on my mind since the words came out.

Lifestyle Friend: What did the Doctor say?
Me: she said everything looks good I am just waiting for the results of my hcl (the pregnancy hormone) so next week work will put me back on... which is good cause I am going nuts at home lol
Lifestyle Friend: that’s great sis, are you going back to work full time or part time?
Me: part time
Lifestyle Friend: is that what you want?
Me: I don’t mind it but honestly I like working full time sorta and ya can’t complain about the extra money but it's what's best for right now
Lifestyle Friend: so you can only go back part time for how long?
Me: until Master decides it's best for me to be out of the house and working full time ;)
Lifestyle Friend: lol so he tells you when you can go back fulltime lol
Me: uh huh
Lifestyle Friend: lmfao lol okkkkk does he tell you when to Shit too lol lmfao or to pee lol
Long pause ….
Me: Ummm, Nope those still are my choice and let’s hope it stays that way
Lifestyle Friend: lol for you happiness Yes lol if not your life sucks

LIE LIE LIE! Why didn’t I just come out and say, yes he controls that too? Why didn’t I say I love that he exercises that type of control over me? Because I was suddenly embarrassed and worried about being judged. I was worried about what she would think of me… of my Master… of who we are and how we interact. I felt like the way master and I have chose to live our life was being critiqued and scoffed at. I felt ashamed and embarrassed about who I am and how I have chosen to live my life.

How much control is too much?

That led me to ask the question… How much control is too much? For me the answer is simple… "Too much" is "too much" only when Master decides it is but that is because that is what excites us both. It’s how we as a team decided to explore our relationship. For me there is no such control… or let me rephrase… Master hasn’t taken me to that point yet.

No this doesn’t work for everyone and as for others I’m not really sure there is a cut and dry answer. The whole basis of BDSM is about control and surrender and though it doesn’t have to be it can and sometimes is intense. I believe we are all individuals with different tolerance and acceptance levels and too much can and is too much if it crosses the line and becomes detrimental to the well being, (physically and emotionally), of the submissive. However, what is "too much " for one, may be "just right" for another. There is nothing about D/s DD or BDSM that is one size fits all, nor do I think we would want there to be. And to try and measure it by some preconceived notion would woefully cut short the potential of such relationships.

Everyone in the lifestyle does things differently and part of learning about ourselves and where our place is in the D/s Lifestyles is to decide for ourselves what works for us.
Not what someone tells us is right or wrong and not what you think the "right" answers should be, but where our own happiness is actually found. If I said it once I have said it a million times and I will say it a million more. The beauty of the lifestyle is that there are no rights and no wrongs as long as it makes 2 consenting adults happy. I think that’s why I love and embrace it as much as I do.

An old phrase comes to mind… My kink may not be your kink but that’s okay. So my parting words are this. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel embarrassed by who you are or how you have chose to live your life because they are not you and they may not understand the depth of your surrender. By the same token don’t judge or laugh at others because you haven’t had (or perhaps may not want) the opportunity to enjoy the experiences they have chose to full fill their life with.

Just a thought...

A Week Used Well

2006-03-25T21:07:00.000-06:00

I know its been a few days since I’ve last blogged but Master has been keeping me extremely busy this last week and afterwards I have been crashing really hard. It’s like I have been living in a "state" where I am unable to focus and even the easiest of tasks seems overwhelming.

Tuesday and Wednesday Master left me task after task to accomplish... nothing to serious but enough to make me zone into that feeling of being his. This is so very hard for me to discuss because it's one of those things that make me totally squimish. I hate hate hate enemas. can't stand them. I think it's because it feels like a total loss of my body. Master has decided this is something I need to learn to enjoy more. (okay like that's possible) so he has started "enema training" just the sound of that is so gross... YUCK. anyway this consists of taking one in and holding it for 10 minutes while playing with my handy dandy lil vibe the entire time but not to orgasm until the full ten minutes was up. I did it... I didnt want to...it was uncomfortable and my tummy cramped but all in all it wasn't bad but afterward it left me feeling a bit drained and tired.

Thursday morning I woke up to that "feeling" you know the one where you suddenly feel you’re being watched? I awoke to find Master standing over me with that "look" in his eyes and toys in his hand…he was up to something. Before I was completely awake he started massaging my breasts and pulling and sucking my nipples. (can ya tell them man has a nipple fetish) He pulled my nipples toward him making me arch my back up to meet him. He started wrapping the rope at the bottom of my breast and coiled it up around it like a snake leaving only a big hard round ball peeking out the top and then clamped my already swollen nipple. I don’t know what it is but any type of nipple play goes straight through me like a lightening bolt and I was already puddling and moaning for more and more I got. He placed the vibrating plug above my mouth and told me to suck it getting it as wet as I could before he inserted it. Purposely holding it just out of my reach forcing me to stretch and strain to even get my tongue to caress its tip. Teasing me he would lower it just long enough for me to start and then pull it back away from me before telling me to turn over and get on my knees. He pushed his hand down on my shoulders forcing my clamped nipples to dig into the mattress while making my ass stick out totally at his mercy. He rapidly plunged the plug deep inside of me catching me off guard extracting a yelp of pain that he didn’t give my muscles a chance to adjust. He ran his hand over my flesh lightly slapping it with his open palm over and over telling me if I wanted more to push my nipples against the mattress harder and raise my ass up to him… to make him believe I wanted it. Hell make him believe I wanted it? I didn’t want it I needed it. I ground my nipples into the mattress fighting against the raging fire it brought and raised my ass as high as I could wiggling it, trying to entice him. His hand picked up speed and he slapped my ass over and over until it was flush with that nice warm stingy felling and I was panting for breath.

He told me to roll back over and he placed the vibrator against my clit and pressed it down until he found that one spot that drives me wild… the one spot that sends me into instant cries and screams of I can’t take it and taped it into place. Turning the knob so it hummed slowly against my engorged clit. He pointed to the Video recorder set on the dresser and told me he had set the alarm and that I wasn’t allowed to move until the alarm went off. He told me I would be allowed to orgasm but I better time myself because I was only allowed to come 5 times and if I went over those times tonight he would find a way to punish me. With that he placed on the blindfold, snapped the vibrator on high, shut off the lights and walked out to leave for work. After he left I tried desperately to remember what time the clock said to figure out how long I would be there. How could I time myself if I didn’t know what the time was? Within seconds even though I tried to fight it off the first orgasm hit me. It shook my whole body as I swallowed down fits of laughter and screams while the vibrator worked its magic against my clit. The second one I fought off for what seemed like forever but again my body gave in, and again and by the fourth time my muscles were so tired I couldn’t fight it off I just gave in to it time and time again. By the time the alarm went off at 6:25 (an hour and a half later) I had failed miserably and was half out of my mind. I was exhausted… My insides were Jell-O and my brain was mush. My knees were to weak to stand so I pulled everything off curled into a ball and just ignored the alarm and lay there shaking until I could calm myself enough to go wake the kids.

Getting the kids ready for school was a total joke. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t function, all I could do was go through the motions and hope they remembered what to do. I came back home and started about my chores but was just so tired I didn’t want to do them. I pushed my way through half crying in frustration knowing all I wanted to do was nap and let myself drift back to reality but knowing that wasn’t allowed. Cursing how sometimes things aren’t fair but relishing in the fact that I love the fact that it isn’t. I love knowing I "have to" rather then I "want to" sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I am a big believer in voluntary servitude and I surrendered to my Master because it is what I wanted and needed out of my life. But there is just something about not having a choice... having to obey even when you don’t want to. (lol not always but yeah sometimes). Anyway I got through the day… and even managed to complete everything.

After the kids went to bed Master called me into watched the tape with him and though he enjoyed it I squirmed through the whole thing while it stirred me back up into a million different wants and desires. In the end he looked at me with a smile and a tsk tsk tsk…He said it appears you enjoyed your morning… but unfortunately my count was nine. Nine? That was all? Hell I could have sworn it was in the hundreds… my clit was still sore and throbbing like eons later. I looked at him and said you knew I was going to fail… he laughed and agreed. However by then I was already climbing over his lap and presenting my bottom for him to punish ~grins~ oh how horrible it was…And again he started with the nice solid slaps warming me up which led to lots of other fun stuff.

Friday Morning when Master left he gave yet another list of things to do which kept me busy all day up until he walked in the door. I knelt down to greet him and he told me to go strip and wait for him in the bedroom. I knelt there listing to him move about the house my excitement growing. He walked in corrected my position a bit and then told me to climb on the bed with my ass up and shoulders down. He pulled out the floggers and started with the ribbon one, and ending with the new one I got for my birthday. Oh man that one doesn’t have many falls but it sure in the heck packs a punch. Again I was soon flying and master pulled me off the bed by my hair pushed me down on my knees and shoved his cock deep down into my throat. I was fighting to breath in between gagging but willed myself to relax so I could please him. He came over me… my eyes, my mouth, my hair… tossed me on the bed and fucked my ass until he was completely satisfied. When he was done he told me to go start his supper. I stopped to grab my sweatshirt and he said no clothes for the rest of the night. The whole time I was making his supper I could feel his seed drying on my and inside of me. When supper was done I was dismissed once again to go shower and that was a little emotionally hard for me because I wanted to sit and eat with him… if I wasn’t allowed food now was he going to allow me to eat later? I stayed in the shower trying to calm myself and accept that whatever he was going to do was his choice and it was designed to help me grow in some fashion. Easier said then done… I wanted to eat. When I got out Master called me to him in the living room and he had a plate of food cut up into pieces sitting on the table next to his chair. He told me to stand feet apart with my hands on my head as he poked, prodded, and inspected ever part of my body before declaring me acceptable. He decided I was to be his entertainment for the night and started listing off position commands. He would bark out a command and I would scramble to meet his order. He would walk around correcting my stances subtly and if I achieved what he considered perfection I was rewarded with a piece of food, which he fed me, if I couldn't get it I was rewarder with one swift lash of his crop. I had a lot of mixed emotions it was a little humiliating yet at the same time it turned me on so much by bedtime I was searghing for his touch once again. On that note the night ended well and he allowed me to fall asleep wrapped in his arms.

But that's why I havn't blogged much as I haven't had much time to think much less write and hopefully this all makes sense even now. Hope everyone is having a great weekend ~smiles~

Play party update

2006-03-21T16:39:00.000-06:00

Well the munch was great. Jack Rinella gave an awesome talk on the art of negotiation, which I enjoyed completely but quite honestly it all seemed like a lot of common sense. Master bought me his new book, which I started reading yesterday and so far it’s great. If you haven’t read his work I strongly recommend it. So many books are based on a Masters perspective or a slave’s perspective but his books have both his and his slave’s thoughts and idea’s on topics interwoven throughout making for a really nice combination.

Master also bought me a new flogger for my birthday, isn’t he a sweetheart? It’s dark blue and it’s got 5 tails of 3 braided together so it leaves a bit of a heavy sting.. YUM! Though to break it in the group thought he should initiate it with the customary birthday spanking, got to love letting a group of kinky folks decide those kin of things… I did try and protest by pointing out my birthday actually wasn’t for 10 more days but that didn’t seem to be very effective and soon the 34 spanks were soundly delivered with a promise of 34 more later that night.

Afterward we went back to the hotel, changed and headed down to the party. The scenes going on were fantastic one in particular was a knife scene. Don’t know why but those seem to get my attention. It was the same Dominant that did the knife play at the camp out and watching his work is exquisite. (Read more about that here) Just watching the cold steel dance over a tautly stretched body is fascinating. Master and I joined in rather quickly. He told me to strip but to leaving on my garter belt and nylons. He started off with a flogger and then switched to the new one he bought that afternoon warming me up in more places then one. T then stepped up and switched places with Master using his tomcat. I had been sort of tapping my fingers on the wall with each strike of the flooger not really bratting but being somewhat relaxed and T’s first strike was extra sharp. He came up placing his hand over mine pushing it against the wall and asked if he had my attention now and I nodded and told him Yes Sir and then he continued. Then Master stepped in with the single tail and soon T joined in with his single tail and they were working in tandem and it was totally awesome. Soon I hit subspace and was flying high. Smiles they were being kind since the night was young and I know some of the lashes were nothing more then small wisps of wind and the snapping of the tail right above my skin. The next thing I remember is being wrapped in a blanket and sipping water. The first great event of the night was over and I was wanting more.

After we finished Master did a great scene with a girl on a cross and I enjoyed watching him work her over. I love watching how he can make their body react and dance and often wonder if I look the same way under the lash of his whip. There is just something about watching him work and watching people stop and watch a scene he is conducting. There is a great sense of pride I get from knowing they are watching my Master and his skill and deep inside it makes me proud that I belong to him… it makes me want to so much more then I am for him... to give him everything since he has so much he has given me.

After that Master sat and chatted awhile with some friends and I still was sorta vegging out kneeling at his side. The mention of my rapidly approaching birthday resurfaced and I found myself over more then one knee squirming and squealing while counting out 34 spanks before being passed to the next waiting knee. Then Master got in the mood to try out a suspension scene that was wicked cool. My arms bound above me, the pressure on my shoulders, the blindfold throwing my world into total darkness, his hand everywhere on my skin, moving over me. Wrapping his fingers in my hair pulling my head back, our hot breath mixing together before he kissed me… my body shuddering as I wonder how deep the torment was going to be. Lightly he used the cane tapping it against my breasts, my abdomen, my thighs, my ass warming me up as he gradually increasing the strokes stopping only to knead my flesh, to take it in his mouth to suck, nibble, and bite, my moans echoing throughout the room. Circling my body, slapping my ass with his hand, working my flesh over with his cane alternating between light and heavy strokes, playing with my senses, never know what to expect or where. My body in tune with his every movement aching and begging for his touch. Sensing my need his hand grabbed and cupped my pussy squeezing hard then slapping it over and over as my body swung back and forth meeting each blow. More cane strokes, more slapping, my body on fire with both pain and desire. The only aware of the distant sound of his voice, and my own breathless moans as he pushed my body and senses to their limit and causing me to come covering his hand in my juices. Deep in subspace I don’t remember much past that. Master sat against the wall holding me and rocking me until I descended from my distant world. We watched one last scene said our good byes and headed home both in the need for much much more. ~smiles~ it was a wonderful night.

Ps... Just a side note I didn't get the chance to try the needle play as T forgot the needles back home but hopefully I will get the chance again very soon :-)

Who do you belong to?

2006-03-17T22:19:00.000-06:00

Last night
Yesterday while I was making supper Master came up behind me pressing his body up against mine, wrapping his arms around me and cupping my breasts in his hands and squeezing. Suddenly I was uncomfortable and tried to pull away from his touch… Big mistake! Did it hurt? No, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind and haven’t really been for awhile. I have been completely and totally protective of MY body. Oh wait it isn’t my body, it in fact is my Master’s property. DUH why couldn’t I remember that 5 minutes earlier? Master pulled me back into him cupping my breasts hard this time and growled into my ear. "Who do these belong to?" "You Master" I whispered back. "We will see about that tonight slut" he said giving them one last pinch before releasing me and walking away.

After we put the kids to bed Master told me to follow him into the bedroom and I obediently fell into place behind him wondering what he had in store and cursing myself from pulling away from him. When I entered the room I noticed master had placed 2 chairs about a foot apart with their backs against the wall. He told me to strip and again I obeyed, he told me to kneel with one knee on each chair facing him and interlock my hands behind my head.

I knelt on the chairs watching Master move about the room collecting what he wanted before returning to me. He stood in front of me and told me to look at him. I willed myself to look up and he instantly locked me in his gaze. His hand reached out and started caressing my breasts and pinching my nipples and I tried to look away but with a hard twisted pinch my eyes were back where they were suppose to be. Master continued to knead, pinch, twist and pull at my nipples, his fingers squeezing my nipples between them, until they were engorged and erect. He took one then… the other… into his mouth, sucking, and teasing them with his tongue, until I was all but insane with want. He picked up the rope while cupping my breast in his hand and wrapped the rope tightly around it over the back of my neck and bound the other breast the very same way. He picked up the crop caressed my breast and asked me again."Who do these belong to?" "You Master" I answered him knowing the first strike of his crop was going to soon follow and as expected he didn’t disappoint me. The crop cut straight across my nipple and he asked again and I responded and again the crop slashed my other nipple. He stopped and began pinching and pulling my nipples again before picking up the crop once more and finishing his work. Soon my face was streaked with tears and my whole body began to tremble with want for him. He paused to enjoy his work and allow his hands to travel over ever mark and welt he left on my body. I was paralyzed, my cunt on fire as he toyed with me, teasing me mercilessly making me beg with nothing more then my eyes to allow me to cum, "not yet" he whispered into the silence of the room "not yet" what a delicious torment. His fingers floating over my clit before suddenly being thrust deep inside me fucking me hard and fast. My thighs trembling from excitement and strain, as he continued to plunge his fingers in and out of me… "Who’s pussy is this? He asked… "Yours Master" I cried "then cum for me slut" and wave after orgasmic wave washed over me. Slowly he slid his fingers from me holding them to my lips making me suck each one clean tasting the sweet juice of my pleasure. After he released me he allowed me to kneel before him and provide him the same orgasmic pleasure before we cuddled into bed allowig me to drift to sleep wrapped in his arms.

The most intense part was not once though the evening did he let my eyes drift or falter. The entire time his eyes pierced my soul and looked deep into me watching the suffering, the torment, and the passion all extracted from his hands as he worked and as I looked back into his deep blue eyes I was totally consumed by his power and strength.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow afternoon is March’s munch and play party and I realized I am starting to get a bit freaked (okay okay a hellofa lot freaked to be honest!) I don’t know if it’s from the fear of the needles or fear of freaking out (in the event I do) in front of a group. I have never tried any type of needle play… I have always wanted to but now that the time is actually less the 24 hours away it’s suddenly to real. Part of me wants to beg and ask if we can try it out in the hotel room before trying it in the main room and part of me is wet at the anticipation of being put on the spot. The whole thing is just giving me shivers right at the moment got to love that feeling.

Everyone is very supportive however and even if I panic Master said he will be right there with me and I know with his support I can tolerate and accept anything. Wish me luck, hopefully it won’t be as bad as I have worked it up to be in my mind. Here’s to hoping I will have lots of great reports to blog about Sunday. Until then enjoy the weekend.

Obedience and submission

2006-03-15T09:24:00.000-06:00

I came across a poem by David Stein called Slavery is not… It’s really very good and touches on several aspects of the lifestyle and makes you say wow yeah that’s true. You can read the whole thing HERE. Most of it made total sense to me except for one part and I am still struggling to understand it

slavery is not about submission...
... slavery is about obedience.

I read this and I immediately felt like there was something about slavery I didn’t understand. Some inner secret that slaves who read this and excepted knew and I wanted in on that type of enlightenment. I want to be that type of slave, the one who understood it wasn’t about submitting but always obeyed without hesitation… without thought or regard to how or why and if she could.

To me obedience and submission are the hallmarks of slavery they go hand in hand. There can not be one without the other and to separate them would leave a vast emptiness in the foundation of slavery. If I am obedient I submitting and by submitting I am showing my obedience to the one I am submitting to. In a way I understand Mr. Stien’s line of thinking and while I agree that slavery is about obedience I can not agree that it is not about submission. Limiting slavery to obedience is looking at only an idealistic concept of the perceived notion of what slavery should be and not the reality. If one says slavery is about obedience it inherently implies that it is about submission as the definition of obedience states that the act of obeying is a dutiful or submissive behavior with respect to another person.

I, like many other slaves was taught that a slave makes the initial decision to surrender their will to another and doesn’t revisit the issue of whether or not they will obey or submit thereafter thus leaving obedience their only option. (If only it were that easy slaves around the world would rejoice ~oh happy day~) but that essence of quiet acceptance and surrender to another takes continual obedience AND submission in conjunction with each other. In a perfect world there would be only obedience and ideally as slaves that’s what we strive for. However, owners often push their slaves stretching their limits and we, as slaves have to reach deep within ourselves and submit our will to that of our owner. And while slavery hinges on obedience it doesn’t negate the fact that a slave at times may asks themselves "can I submit to this?" or "How do I feel about that". In my opinion to say slavery is not about submission devalues the fact that slaves do make a conscience choice every morning to obey regardless of how hard it may be. Yes we obey but we obey because we have submitted regardless if that submission was a one-time only event or if every morning we reaffirm who and what we are.

I am not sure after writing this I am any closer to the enlightenment I was seeking but what I do know in my heart is that I will surrender to my Masters demands with the same quiet acceptance I have learned from both obedience and submission.

The Weekend

2006-03-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

Warning before you get to far into this post I want to warn everyone up front that this post has no specific topic but will randomly jump from one thing to another without rhyme or reason. Second of all it’s going to include a lot of family, religion, and other non related D/s topics as well and while I know some D/s blogs shy away from talking about these things I can’t. Yes this blog talks a lot about our Master and slave relationship but its focus was never meant to be just that. It was designed to be a statement of my life and to deny any of the above would be leaving out a lot of who I am and that would just be wrong. So it such topics bother you just skip this one.

Mmmm, this weekend things started to jive again for Master and I… YAY! The last few weeks Master has been walking on eggshells around me and I have been nothing more then a basket case. It’s absolutely amazing to me that a man who can be the meanest frickin sadist driving me to tears routinely can turn in to the most gentle, tender, caring and loving person if I am hurting for reasons not caused by his hand or that he can’t fix. So he hasn’t pushed me instead he opted to give me some space and let him know when I was ready and quite honestly I didn’t think I was going to be ready for a long while. Then it happened, Saturday after we got done running our errands I jumped in the shower and asked Master if he would wash down my back. Before I knew it I asked him to join me in the shower and within seconds he was behind me. He soaped my entire body down paying extra special attention to my ummm needy parts and then it was my turn to wash him. I love soaping his body up and running my hands over his muscles and he knows it so he makes extra sure he flexes for me…. Yum. Then I knelt down and washed him and he started getting hard and growing in my hands with the slightest of touches (Heck it’s been over 3 weeks) so I couldn’t resist slipping my lips around him and taking him deep into my mouth. After that things fell right into place and he pulled me up and faced me against the back wall of the shower placing his hands over mine and whispering deliciously naughty words into my ear while the water poured down over us. He started lightly spanking my bottom with his hand and soon I found I was pushing my ass out to meet him so he started spanking me a bit harder. As the echoes of his hand meeting my flesh bounced off the shower walls he entered me from behind and well the rest is wet hot and steamy and I’m not talking about the shower either.

It seems all he needed was my go ahead… to let him know I was ready physically and emotionally. Okay so this may not seem very master/slave like but ya know this is a whole situation is new for us. It’s something we never experienced and with God’s grace something we will never go through again. So we had to feel our way through it together as a couple . What I love about Master so much is that he takes these things into consideration and wants to make sure I am ready and won’t push me until he knows I can handle being pushed and then he goes all the way. It shows me how much he loves, cares and respects me. So now things are back on track and he is in full Master mode once again and I love that too. Have I said yum yet?

Religion & Family

Master and I went to church Sunday morning but it wasn’t our church. It wasn’t even catholic it was an Assembly of God worship center that the children go to on Wednesdays with some of their friends to participate in their kids program. Now both Master and I were raised catholic and have been active in the Catholic Church all our lives and our children are as well. However Master and I don’t think there is one right or wrong religion as long as they are focused on serving the Lord and therefore we want the kids to be able to make an informed decision as to what religion they want to belong to as they mature. So they go CCD (the Catholic Church) for class after school on Wednesdays and we attend a catholic Mass every Sunday. They go to the Assembly of God for a church program (and they seem to really enjoy that) and they even go to a Baptist vacation bible school every summer with another friend. So see lol they really are getting out there and getting to experience different things, which I am very happy they have the opportunity to do.

But here’s the thing… Sunday while Master and I were at the church program for the boys I loved it. They did have 2 baby dedications that day and I did cry through both of them and once again I grieved for my own loss but even then I loved the feeling I got from being there. It wasn’t the traditional get in, worship, and get out that I am accustom to with the catholic church. These people really enjoyed being there and were in no hurry to leave. They were excited and passionate about their worship and in all honesty so was I. It was a overwhelming feeling that I realized I missed and quite honestly I have found that the catholic church lacks. After their worship they invited us to stay for a pot luck lunch (something they do after worship every other month) and we were invited right in and ushered to the front of the line despite our objections that we would take our turn like everyone else. Why am I going in to all this? For a long time I have been disappointed in the Catholic Church, their lack of progress and passion, their lack of working together as a family. There are no children’s programs, no children’s worship, or women’s bible studies and they would never dream of having a potluck just to get together. It’s funny as Master and I sat there eating lunch I whispered over to him and said " can you think of the only times Catholics get together to share a meal?" Without missing a beat he said funerals and weddings and I find that sad. So what’s the big deal? I was raised to believe in the sacraments. The sacrament of baptism, communion and confession and part of me can’t let them go… I am afraid to let them go. I don’t deal with change well and what if by some chance I ruin the life of my children and their chance for eternal salvation because I took away their opportunity to receive those sacraments. Right now that part of me feels in limbo and I want that passion and excitement back in my life. Soooo if any of you out there have any advice or can help me I would be eternally grateful.

Well I have one other thing I wanted to post about but think I’m talked out for the moment and it appears it has finally stopped snowing … 10 inches later. The kids totally enjoyed the snow day today lol and I am thinking another one is in store for tomorrow so I will post more then. Until then have a great night.

My Rules

2006-03-10T18:53:00.000-06:00

1. These Rules, your "care and maintenance" instructions, and charges or tasks I give you are to be obeyed, and carried out as quickly and beautifully as possible, and are to be done to the BEST of your ability. Because My expectations are reasonable and well within your ability, they should always be met.

2. The safety and welfare of our children will always be your first priority and will come before any and all outside obligations. Your first responsibility is to your children and your family.

3. You are to refer to me simply as "Master", as that is what I am to you. Your place is on your knees before me when we are alone. You will always act in a way that brings honor and pride to me both in and out of my presence.

4. "Care and maintenance" tasks are to be performed daily (where applicable), without further instruction. I must authorize any deviations from the routine we have set up. I.e. changing brands of shampoo, lip stick color, perfumes, ect.

5. Household chores and tasks are to be performed daily according to the schedule prior to any personal or "free" time.

6. Exercise CV at least 3 times per week, for 20 minutes (warm up and cool down not included). Do 3 sessions of stretching or yoga or flexibility per week.

7. If expectations are not met, you will report to me as soon as possible or I will call on you to discuss the matter. You will acknowledge your failure to meet the expectation, as it will be a matter of fact. If you feel that you are deserving under the circumstances, you may request "mercy". This means that you feel that there are mitigating factors, or that I should "go easy" on you. If you feel a limit has been reached, or you wish to halt whatever is happening and step back to re-evaluate our Bond, you may ask for "pity".

8. "Mercy" and "Pity" are to be used in the context of discipline, in response to orders from me, and in play; both in public or private. Only these words have the potential to relieve you of your duty to obey and serve.

9. If you are to be punished for your actions or failure to act you will retrieve the implement I request and kneel before me, acknowledge your failure and ask for my correction. Once your sentence is passed I will tell you to "make the offer" you will then kiss the ground inches before my feet, kneel up right and kiss the implement, then present it to me in both your hands above your head. At no time during this process should your eyes leave the floor.

10. You are responsible for learning and responding properly to my hand signals in public and in private. This skill will increase the beauty and efficiency of your service to me. Learning to communicate without words is beneficial to our bond. If you rely on spoken commands only, you will never learn to anticipate my wishes

11. When you first awake; kneel, face east, and speak to Me. you may wish Me good morning, dedicate your day to Me, etc.

12. Prior to going to bed you will kneel and ask permission to sleep in my bed for the night. If I will not be home at your bedtime it is recommended you ask before I leave the house. Failure to do so will automatically result in you sleeping on the floor.13. If I am working 3rd shift your weeknight curfew is11:30 PM and weekends (Friday and Saturday) is 1:00 AM, unless special permission is granted. This does not me you stop what you are doing at 11:30 it means you are in bed and the lights are out. Exceptions to "lights out" are emergency only.

14. If I expect you at a certain time or place and you cannot be there, call me, if I can not be reached leave an email, voice mail, or even just a "missed call" on my cell. I do not like to not know where you are, or wonder if you are okay.

15. Your input and response, especially in the areas the lifestyle are appreciated, at the appropriate time. If you have non-limits concerns about a punishment or instruction, you are to write it down and share it with me in 7 days (if you still have concerns or wish to discuss). If you have other issues or concerns, ask permission to discuss them with me directly. As you know, don’t bring up an issue if you are unprepared or unable to discuss it immediately, as I don’t like that at all. In positive and pleasurable matters, I deserve your response and input. Imagine playing one of your instruments, but not being able to hear the music -- not very rewarding. Learn to share with me what you feel, how your body and heart respond to Me, and what your thoughts are.

16. Very Important. Of all your treasures, I most value your mind and heart. Therefore, these are the things I most want to possess and which you must learn to surrender totally to me. When you are troubled tell me immediately. No concern or event is too small or too big to share with me. I am entitled to your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

17. You will always advise me of where you will be. If you have regularly planned activities they should be noted on the calendar. If they are not you will not be allowed to attend. If something unexpected comes up you need to email, or call to let me know where wish to be. If I am unavailable, I will try to make it possible for you to leave a message. If you cannot, your inability to tell me where you are is acceptable, so long as you have attempted all reasonable means to advise me.

18. When you are first greet me after any absence longer then 1 hour, you are to greet me in the way I have taught you. Afterwards, you are to ask and receive permission to speak. If casual conversation is appropriate I will let you know.

19. No sexual release is permitted without permission. During play you will be told when it is acceptable for you to release. If you want or feel the need for such release you are to say "I surrender to You, Master" and await my consent once received you will thank me for allowing you such pleasure.

20. When we go out to eat you may make a request off the menu before the server arrives at our table. I will take into consideration your request and order your meal as I see fit. At this time your eyes should be downcast and there should be no contact between you and the server.

21. You are not to judge, criticize, complain or gossip about another. This is an arrogant, destructive behavior that isn't tolerated in my home.

22. You are encouraged to take the initiative, and be an active part of our life and Bond. I am pleased by the acts and services you provide of your own initiative. I do not want one who only does as I command. This is the mark of an unimaginative and lazy slave, which I know you are not. Your intelligence, mind and imagination are valued possessions to your Master; they should be used to the best of your abilities.

23. You may ask permission to break form, when needed. You may ask to speak informally, or to "speak freely" -- though I don’t feel that I very often discourage your expressing yourself. Not all such requests will be granted, or granted right away.

My Submissive's Prayer

2006-03-10T18:36:00.000-06:00

Grant a girl the strength to submit herself completely...
mind, body, and soul.
To hide nothing and pour forth all that she is,
and all that she is capable of becoming at his hands.

Grant her the courage to trust Him completely,
even when she doesn't understand.
Allow her to draw from His strength
so we may always stand united as one.
Allow her the wisdom to know when to listen and learn,
and when to speak her mind with respect, honor, and devotion.

Allow her the confidence to conquer her fears
and grow to embrace them.

Allow her the strength to endure His discipline in the spirit it is given
and learn from what it offers.

Allow her to experience love in its most pure and raw form,

and how to love Him as deeply in return

Allow her heart to experience pain, sadness, and grief

so that she may know what true happiness is.

Teach her to overcome her obstacles
and rise above each challenge set before her.

Bestow upon her the faith to find inner strength when things are there darkest providing comfort, peace, and solitude to her family.

May our hearts beat forever as one,
so this girl will always know His needs, anticipate His wants,

share in His Joy, and shed tears in His sorrow

Fill her with the passion to gaze into His eyes each morning,

and see Him for the very first time.

To bring a smile to His lips as she blushes under His eye.

Remind this girl to be happy for this moment...

For this moment is her life.

And may she always remember how far we have traveled together...

And how far we have yet to go.

My Submission

2006-03-10T18:31:00.000-06:00

~ A girl must give up all that she is In order to become free ~

Imagine a woman who accepts who she is even when she struggles. A woman who lives only feeling complete by serving another. Who trusts and respects herself for who she is and what she has to offer. Who listens to another’s needs and desires, and meets them with tenderness and grace. Imagine a woman who can author her own life yet chooses to let another write it for her. A woman who can move on her own behalf but desires to walk only for her One. Who surrender to another her truest self, dictating the rest of her life. A woman, who names her own fate, one she knows will not be an easy path to walk. Imagine a woman who is reminded of her place when she forgets and gains the strength to carry on from that knowledge. If for a moment you can picture that woman then you have looked into the deepest recesses of my heart.

I am mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am nurse, a teacher and a student; as well as a lover and a soul mate but not one of those roles makes me feel as alive as the fact that in my heart I am a slave. It is not something I chose nor is it something I could ever deny. It is a desire to surrender totally and completely with all that I am and all that I am capable of being. It is a need so great that it is just as vital to my life as it is for her heart to beat within my chest. Can life exist without the heart and its capacity to love? If it could, would it be worth living?

The desire to surrender my will to another is a craving embedded deep in my soul. It is a hunger a thousand times more powerful then any life giving force and must be quenched for survival. I have tried many times to step away from the hunger of my nature, but not for long, for soon it would creep up and surface and effect every part of who I am. Without it I become lost and that feeling only grows more intense until there is a struggle to survive. It is a need to place my life in the hands of another giving heart, mind, body and soul completely and unquestioningly to their needs, their wants and their desires. To please and grow beyond the confines of what I could achieve on my own. For my goal in life is to be found pleasing, graceful and obedient and the giving of my heart knows no boundaries. A harsh look or a disappointing tone will cut straight to my soul breaking my heart and leaving my body trembling and aching for days. But a simple smile from Him and my world is once again complete.

Submission is where fire & water meet,
where yin and yang reside.
It is the sea of essence & energy,
and the door of life or death.

I have spent many nights shedding tears of frustration and many more tears of joy. From those tears I have learned many lessons -- but mainly that life is so very fragile and happiness is so very important. I have learned that each tearful moment I am allowed to embrace who I am, is special and must be cherished. For only in submission have I found strength and it enlightens and empowers me to become closer to who I am. I have learned to ride on the peak of my fears and the depths of my perception of terror - for it is there I have come to know my greatest fear of all and will crave to go there again and again.

Friends have suggested that I take some time off from my this need and try and "find" myself. ~ Smile ~ how does one take time off from the nature they were born to be? This isn’t my job or my hobby. It is my life, my personality, and my disposition. They simply do not grasp the depth a slave feels when they are on their own. There is freedom in giving up control and happiness in pain if your heart is open to it. I knows the life of a submissive isn’t for everyone but it is where my heart resides and where I have found my home.

Tagged

2006-03-09T08:17:00.000-06:00

Ms. Theresa tagged me and again it was a lot of fun but ya know now I am going to have to start thinking of one to tag her back with. hee hee hee

7 things that tick you off
1. Automated telephone systems
2. Inconsiderate/inattentive drivers
3. People that don’t put their children first
4. The court system
5. That there aren’t enough hours in the day
6. Right now… that my kitchen sink is leaking
7. When things you want are just out of your reach.

7 things that make you happy
1. Master
2. Our children
3. Friends
4. A good book, a cozy blanket and a warm fireplace
5. Spending time on the lake with my family
6. Dancing in the rain with the kids
7. Listening to summer concerts in the park

7 things you wish you could get paid to do for a living.
1. Housekeeping
2. Getting spanked
3. Reading
4. Making pottery
5. Playing the harp
6. Being Master’s slave ~wink~
7. Did I mention being spanked?

7 people I tag… hmmm
lol since I have checked everyone’s blog and it looks like ya all have done it except
taylor and
scarlett
kaya
so lol I tag them.

Short & Sweet

2006-03-08T18:59:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a short and sweet little update post because I am beyond beat. I am tired, exhausted, drain, worn, haggard, and fatigued. I’m not sure why but I’m totally lacking the energy I had a while ago. Nothing is happening on the Master slave front as Master is still handling me with kid gloves and to be honest right now I am happy to just stay there. My sex drive is nonexistent and right now that doesn’t bother me either. Sighssss I don’t know part of me wishes he would demand me out of this state to force me to get back into the swing of things and stop treating me like something bad happened and then the other part of me would fight tooth and nail to just keep hiding out because right now it’s where I feel safe. I am hormonal, emotional and just plain unbalanced and burst into tears for no reason what so ever at any given moment and today seems particularly hard and I have no idea why. I feel like I should be over this and moving forward but I am just stuck and can’t yet. I think I am just going to go hide under my covers and go to bed for the night…

Limits

2006-03-06T20:44:00.000-06:00

Master and I have been in the lifestyle for about 10 years now and during that time I have attended a lot of munches, gone to a lot of groups, and read my fair share of articles about limits. To be quite honest in the beginning I loved the thought of saying I had no limits... there was a rush I got by the thought of being totally and completely owned. Then I matured and thought a lot about what I would do, what I wanted to try, and what I wasn't willing to do under any circumstance. ~ Waits for the collective gasps ~ Over the years as Master and I have grown together my "won't do" list has become almost non-existent and my "will try" list has increased exponentially. This is typically common as the level of trust in a master slave relationship grows.

So seeing the topic come up in blogville I thought I would toss my 2 cents out there and hope no one tosses back change. Limits are such a touchy subject because there are those that cling to the theory that in order to be a slave one is not allowed any limits other then the limits set by their Master. Then there are those that say yes I am a slave but I do have limits and there are just something I will not do under any circumstances. I personally see nothing wrong with either side as long as any and all actions fall into the category of SSC (safe sane and consensual).

I am a huge huge huge believer that prior to accepting a collar communication on this very subject is a must. It is essential for the success of the relationship that a slave and a master discuss and establish each other's limits so that once the collar is placed there are no surprises for either party. That being said I don't think not having limits allows a slave to consider herself off the hook for choices that are outside the realm of SSC. I don't think a slave should ever allow the statement that "I was only following my Master's orders" to be a valid defense to any wrongdoing. Being a slave doesn't give you the right to shut off your brain and follow like a blind sheep into a world of destruction. I also would never advocate a new relationship to be without limits and boundaries as this is something a couple should grow into.

I like to consider myself a no "limits" slave within boundaries. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but the reality is there are simply things I will not do. Those activities typically fall under the boundaries of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). I wouldn"t dream of telling my Master no unless I felt the situation was not safe, not sane, or not consensual. I don't necessarily mean my consent but the consent of a third party.

For example there are the age old question asked by those that try and out question you or shake the faith you have in your role and ask what if he ordered you to have sex with a child, animal (bestiality), or a dead person (necrophilia). To me this is an easy question to answer as a child, animal, or the deceased can NOT give consent thus it violates the core foundation of SSC. I have also had the opportunity to field questions, as far out as what if he wanted to amputate or alter part of your body. Again this would fall under the question is it safe? I can't forsee amputating anything as safe so again I would point out it violates the rules of SSC. All illegal activities also fall under this category as well... what if he ordered you to do drugs, rob a bank, steal from a store, or have sex with a stranger? All these activities are not safe and are prohibited in my mind by SSC.

Does this make me less of a slave? Some say yes but I don't believe so; I like to believe it makes me a responsible human with morals that can't be shaken just because I have given myself to another. I always love those submissives who come back with the "then you aren't a real slave because real slaves obey regardless... they aren't given the opportunity to say no". To them I always point out that even hundreds of years ago if a slave thought their life to be in grave danger they in fact would run... why would I be any different if pushed into a place I felt my life was in jeopardy?

What it comes down to is that fact that I know my Master well enough to know he would never ask me to do anything that violated any of the rules of SSC so therefor his limits are my limits and vice versa. So this has never nor will it ever be an issue for us but I still do have these guidelines in place and to not acknowledge them would be wrong and make me something I am not. I strongly encourage anyone entering a M/s relationship to be honest with themselves and how far they are willing to go and to find themselves in the same position with their partner before declaring themselves a no limit slave.

I thought since I spent all this time talking about what I wouldn't do I would share my list with you.

1. No Children, no animals, no dead people, no non-consensual 3rd parties.
2. No long term separation from family
3. No separation from religion.
4. Nothing illegal by state or federal law
5. Nothing that would cause the loss or suspension of my nursing license.
6. No permanent physical body damage i.e. amputation, bone breaking, internal bleeding, blood vessel damage, damage that involves loss of mobility or function, scarring, burning of the body, or dramatic loss of circulation, no deep tissue needles and or punctures.

Hope I haven't bored anyone to tears yet.

Pride and Ownership

2006-03-03T21:20:00.000-06:00

For the first times since everything happened the house is quiet and I am home alone. I was a little anxious about having time to myself not sure how I would handle things with no one around but I think I am doing remarkably well. The last week has been a strange one full of mixed up emotions and me meandering from one thing to the next with no real recall of why or how but for now that's okay. The main goal is getting through it and with each passing day I am doing better.

Master has been waiting on me hand and foot while playing a combination of Mr. mom and that deranged chef from the Muppets. Yesterday he was emptying the dishwasher and I suddenly became very possessive jumping in front of him like a wild woman gone mad grabbing for the dishes like they were made of gold. This is my job and how dare he take it away from me? I broke out in tears clutching the dishes to my chest and rambled on about how I was still the slave in this relationship or was he looking for someone that didn't take so much of his effort? He sternly told me to stop as he pried the dishes clutched in my death grip away and walked me back to bed.

As a slave I understand if Master wants me to lay there and relax then that's what I'm to do. Yet knowing that and actually doing it are two different things. Now I admit I have dreamt of a time when I could lounge around while hot sexy men in loincloths fed me grapes dipped in chocolate while they showered me with expensive wine. But I've discovered that it's hard to do nothing while those you were born to serve are serving YOU. This was one of the hardest orders Master has ever given me. I take great satisfaction in doing my work and and serving him and to have him take over what I consider my territory was like ripping out a piece of me. The more I pondered on why this upsetting me so much I discovered it came down to two things, ownership and pride.

These tasks and chores are my responsibility, my territory, my job, and my domain, if Master didn't need me to do them then what value was I worth? What i was doing wrong was considering these tasks mine. To consider them mine was an act of possessiveness and as a slave I have no right to take such ownership of anything even as simple as cleaning the toilet. As Master's slave he has determined I am to own no property. Even my car is solely in his name and his alone. (Now before anyone gets his or her panties in a bunch I am not foolish enough nor is Master ruthless enough to not make sure I am totally provided and cared for if anything were to happen) But the fact is all property is owned by Master and it is not mine to sell, give away or keep if Master decides differently. Anyway getting back to my point I was trying to take ownership of the work Master expects of me. (It's my work dang it and no one else can have it! Okay try and tell me that isn't sick). But when you are given ownership of so little you grasp and cling onto what you can like it is the very air you breath. You take pride in what you do and how well you do it, which leads me to my very next point.

I take great pride in my service to Master. I give it my all and at times feel like no one can give him the care, love and devotion that I can and that can lead to trouble. After all I am a slave, I am property, something he owns and if he chose he could train another piece of property to do what I do as well as I do it for he was the one who trained me. The question comes down to as a slave am I given the right to be proud? So I asked Master that very question later in the evening and he said yes I am allowed pride in what I do and who I am. I am allowed to show pride in my work and who I belong to. What I am not allowed is to become too proud allowing it to blind me to my fragility and my frailties. I am not allowed to let it lead me to think of myself as Herculean, or a "cut above" anyone one else that could potentially do what I do. In a round about way that’s what I was doing. I was allowing my insecurities to push away the help Master was offering me out of care and love and that's just not something a slave should ever take for granted. Amazing what that man can teach me with out even trying to isn't it?

Okay I will stop rambling and post this lol see what can happen to a slave who's been on bed rest for to long?

Open minded?

2006-03-03T16:54:00.000-06:00

I found this lil quiz over at Bonnie's and thought I would try it for myself. I consider myself to be fairly open minded but ya never know till the quiz tells ya.

You Are 72% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.

Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.

But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.

You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Disappointment

2006-03-02T09:49:00.000-06:00

First I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers those were the kindest most wonderful words I have ever heard.

Master and I went in to see the Dr. yesterday at 3 and unfortunately he didn't have the news we were so desperately praying for. My serum level dropped to 55 from 280. A sign that I had indeed miscarried over the weekend. This wasn't altogether unexpected after my visit to the ER but at the same time my heart was breaking. Even with knowing the risk deep inside I felt like everything was going to be fine so the news was a huge blow. I did manage to hold myself together in the office and to the elevator but as soon as we stepped in and the doors closed that was it. I sobbed the rest of the way home. Master did his best to comfort me. When we got home he tucked me into bed and let me cling to him while he whispered words of how much he loved me and that everything would be all right. I closed myself off from everyone and master had to field all the phone calls from those who knew and he called and told his family what had happened but I just couldn't bring myself to even listen to those calls. I lay there grieving for the loss I only knew for 3 days. Master asked me if I still felt like I wanted to keep trying and the answer was yes absolutely.

I am a little disappointed they have told us to refrain from trying to get pregnant for at least 2 cycles part of me can't help but think that it just puts us 2 more months away from what we are so desperately trying to achieve. Master gave me a sleeping pill and held me tight helping me get through the night and I am thankful for his strength and his love.

This morning I am still sad but I have accepted what happened and am feeling a little better. I know in my heart that God has a plan and I just have to have faith he was watching over me this last week and decided this was for the best for me, our family, and the life that may have been. Who am I to question that? I have a wonderful support group and 2 beautiful children that I love dearly so to dwell on what could have been rather then what is would be wrong and selfish.

Right now I am all out of words so I’ll just post this and maybe something will come to me later. Please no I am all right and that my faith in god is not shaken if anything it has grown stronger and I know that he will provide us with yet another little one in the future. when he feels everything will be for the best. thank you again for all your love and support and for bearing with all my crazy emotions.

Oh my God!

2006-02-27T18:11:00.000-06:00

Oh my God! Oh my God! I wasn't sure I was ready to share this yet or not my emotions are all over the board teetering on extreme joy to profound fear. So please bear with me as all these thoughts spill out and I try and gain control.

IT HAS FINIALLY HAPPENED! You know what it is? Come on take a guess...the moment I have been hoping for... praying for... has happened.

Friday morning I woke up with what I thought was the flu. Spent all day Saturday in bed and when I wasn't in bed I could be found in the bathroom. I slept restlessly all night and woke up Sunday morning for church about 7. As soon as I got up I just knew something was wrong... one of those things you could just feel deep inside but I tried to push it off and ignore it thinking I was just being wimpy. By 9 I started bleeding and passing clots and freaked out (I had just had my cycle on the 14th of the month) So I called Master at work half in tears and explaining that something was wrong and I was scared. He was home by 9:30 and took me to the emergency room. We got in immediately and the staff was fantastic starting several tests and giving me something for pain...got to love that.

Low and behold after 3 years of trying I am thrilled beyond words to say I am 4 weeks pregnant. I couldn't be happier part of me wants to shout from the rooftops and tell everyone I know about our wonderful news. I want to call Masters's parents and tell them... I want to share the news with the rest of the family but we aren't yet and here's why. The cramping and bleeding may be a sign of a threatened miscarriage but it may not. It is not a sure sign. In the ER I couldn't even force myself to ask the big question. Some nurse I turned out to be not even able to ask about my own health care huh? I knew the words but every time I tried to get past the second word in the sentence tears threatened to spill and I had to remain silent. I just wasn't ready to except that such wonderful news could be accompanied by possible devastation. Thankfully Master asked the questions I couldn't and a follow up apt was scheduled for tomorrow morning for another blood serum test, which we'll find the results out on Wednesday at 3. I was sent home with orders to take it easy and stay in bed for the next few days. I hate waiting. I hate that there is nothing I can or can't do to protect what I want so desperately. Right now it's all in God’s hands and all I can do is trust in him and lean on my faith. Master has been wonderful and laid with me all evening yesterday keeping my spirits up. I want so much to be happy and thrilled and inside I secretly am but I don't want to show it to much I don't want to get those hopes up just in case. I don't want to tempt fate but at the same time I keep thinking nothing is going to happen to me I'm strong and healthy. Does that make a difference? Let's hope so. I am afraid to plan and to dream quite yet but at the same time I can't help but not to. I just had to journal it because keeping it bottled up inside was killing me. I am off to go lay back down and get some rest again. I will let you all know what happens on Wednesday when we find out. :-) yay yay yay goes to dance from her bed so Master can't yell at her for being up...

A Need for Something?

2006-02-24T19:35:00.000-06:00

My initial post was going to be something to the affect of ~shrugs~ why bother? I mean really what’s the point?

I was letting myself get bogged down by the "what if's" I was originally afraid of when I started this blog. "What if" no one likes it? "What if" I have no clue what to say? "What if" I sound like a babbling schmuck? "What if" everyone finds it boring?

I was allowing myself to believe all the above was true because of the fact that I wasn't getting any feed back... not even a hi or you suck, Hell Master doesn't even post to my journal (he claims he tells me what he needs to in person). I was feeling suddenly like maybe I seem standoffish or like I couldn't be a good friend. I was feeling sorry for myself and like the whole idea of the blog was pointless but then a friend helped me to remember that I'm not posting this for popuarity but I'm doing it because it helps me. It helps me work through feelings I'm struggling with and it helps me understand when I want to rebel. It's where I can express my hopes, my thoughts, my beliefs, my frustrations, my anger, my despair, and my love. In the beginning of my journey my journals use to be much different filled with tons of harsh realities, lol and a few "I HATE HIMs" but now looking back at this one it is merely filled with more acceptance. (okay so it took 10 years) It doesn't matter what Master is going to choose to do to me or how he is going to do it. I will merely accept it and move on. Okay perhaps that doesn't make for interesting writing.

I sat there and debated a long time about asking Master if I could delete it. Just clicking the button and move on and then another wonderful friend all but smacked some sense into me and I realized it's not about the masses but it's about the people who have touched my life since I began this blog. I have made a few very wonderful friends... some I talk to nonstop through out the day and others I only stay in touch with once in awhile. But because of the people I have met I have grown and for that I want to thank them for being so special.

I let myself get caught up in this need for acceptance from the outside. Need for camaraderie and support. Not in acceptance of my life but acceptance of friendship which is so not like me. I’m not sure why it happened or where that need came from but I found it very hard to control. I happened to surf by my wonderful sister and best friend's blog and found this post... (see below) She always knows just how to touch my heart when it's wounded and for that there aren't enough hugs and thank you's in the world. I don't know for now I think I will leave the blog and continue to do my own thing and perhaps I will ask master if I may turn the comment section off that way it won't be where I incorrectly replace my focus. Signsss okay this all may be a I've got the flu and am feeling totally horrible and shouldn't be allowed near the computer type post but I'm to tired to post something new so I's going to post it anyway.

This is the post I found over at my sister's blog... sh'es a talented and gifted writer I suggest checking it out. Again thank you sexy you will always be in my heart and since the time we met you were one I could lean on and learn from. ~Kiss and hugs~

A Post for my sister
dearest intricate,
First, Sir, in case You are reading this my sister didn't ask me to write this. I write today because I need to her to see what I see in her. Never before I have had the opportunity to witness such grace. To see and know the words, the feelings, the happenings are real. That alone has helped me flourish and fight so hard to find my own way to a better path. It would be so easy to say that life is great Master loves me, and we live in our perfect suburban D/s relationship. I am honored that you share your failures, and your triumphs. I cry with your sorrows and laugh when you are jovial. I will never be half the slave that you are and I will always envy your perseverance. I don't know who reads your blog but certainly beyond doubt its wonderful and I hope that they take one tenth of the joy from that I do.

All my love
scarlett

Saturdays Munch

2006-02-21T20:51:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the munch and it was great. We had a super excellent speaker who was not only informative but was hilarious. He talked about the use of steal and ironwork and he gave some very cool demonstrations placing some chains and cuffs on people permanently (though they could be removed with bolt cutters). Was awesome! He had a few collars that I was able to try on that were so heavy I couldn't imagine having to wear them for days at a time. I also got to see a lot of friends I haven't seen in awhile and Master and T made plans for next moths play party. After next months munch there's a party at a local hotel and I am really super excited that Master said we could go and even spend the night at the hotel. Master isn't into needle play, it just isn't his thing but T is and Master said he would allow him to do some needle play with me. I have done a few scenes with him before and they were always super fantastic so I can't wait. He was telling us about this one scene he would like to try where he inserted the needles and then wrapped black ribbons around it in a star shaped pattern… yum I so can't wait. Then he started talking about some new accurpuncture needles he bought and how they can go pretty deep ~shivers~ that sorta freaked me out. Okay this is one of those oh my god I want it but how the hell am I going to handle it. If anyone has some needle play advise now would be a good time to share it. I can talk all big but I just pray once strapped to a cross I don't freak out the minute a sharp point pierces my flesh. Ack okay I am now freaking myself out again.

WARNING WARNING WARNING
Sadistic men should never be allowed to gather in groups!

Anyway afterward the munch ended a group of us went out for dinner and decided to come back and hang for a small play group which turned out to be a total blast. T did this cool fire play thing and there was lots of chatting and talking. T told Master about a barbecue the end of July at a campground in the cities that was a huge BDSM play gathering and invited us to spend the night at their house and go with them and that sounds mega exciting. It just so happens that the kids will be at Master's parents for that week so master was going to put in for vacation time today so we could go. WOOHOO. After a lot more talking the guys decided they needed to set a little challenge for us girls. Apparently we were looking a bit to comfortable so they had the 3 of us write our name down and put it in a bowl and then each one of the guys pulled out a name and that was who we were teamed up with. We were told to strip, which for me was a huge embarrassment. The moment my clothes came off I heard a few comments about the fact it looked like I had recently been punished and master delighted in my misery over the fact that I had to relive my mistakes and confess them in front of a group. The girls were wonderfully supportive... the Doms were less then sympathetic to say the least. Anyway each one of us were given a pair of wrist restraints and tethered to a joist in the ceiling. The dom we were partnered up with (who couldn't be our own) got to pick their favorite instrument of torture and the goal was to see which one of us they could cause to scream first. Our goal was not to be the first to let out a blood-curdling yelp. These are the kind of games and challenges Master loves... I don't know how many of them I have played over the years but they never seem to get old.

My heart was pounding so hard I thought my eardrums were going to burst. I was both excited and scared to death. I was positive I was going to let out the first scream and lose because I was still pretty sore and bruised from the whipping master had just given me on Thursday. I pointed out I deserved a handicap do to my "condition" but you guessed it that didn't fly. I just couldn't lose... I didn.t want to face whatever torment these three deranged minds would devise for the loser. I knew l wasn't going to lose god bless her but she's the biggest pain slut I ever met. Master's arm would fall off before she woud give in. T chose a single tail (I dare say he is an expert with one) and struck the first hit to m. Then S to me with a cane, which cut deep into the welts and bruises I already had and I knew he was going to use them to his advantage. Finally Master chose the tomcat (his favorite) to use on l. They continued on one at a time for quite awhile each of us holding our own as they were determined to elicit the first cry of pain from their prey.

There comes a point in time you just have to will yourself to let go and you find that space however it comes to you. I have heard some submissives say subspace just comes to them and they naturally drift. I have never been that lucky my brain starts to panic and I enter into that fight or flight syndrome and need to act. So I do what I need to in order to get through it and enter that "zone" for me its counting. I will count anything I will count in my head over and over. I count the times I blink, the breaths I take, I will count nothing at all but just run the numbers through my head until I slip over the edge. m was in front of me so I counted the marks the whip left on her and kept telling myself it would only be one more I can handle anything one more time... and the next time I would tell myself it will only be one more time lol I don't know how many times I told myself that but it worked and I didn't let out the first scream... thank god. But let me tell you as soon as m did I followed right behind her. After we were down m's contribution for losing was to be used as a footstool for each Master for 20 minutes... an hour in all (a task that excited her beyond words) and the evening finished with conversation. Once everyone left Master and I went back up to the house and had a wonderful night together. I thanked him for letting me play though the cane hurt I would have been devastated if I had been left out. I thrive on the challenge made me so hot that Master and I had a little fun of our own. All in all it was a great day and I can't wait until next months munch.

Victory and slavery

2006-02-19T18:41:00.000-06:00

My Name was here --

[noun]:

A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Oh my gosh how totally accurate is this as of lately? Almost scary. My last week has been so full of ups and downs that I didn't want to post this, matter of fact wasn't going to because I hate hate hate when I screw so far up it's beyond embarrassing. When you have been a slave as long as I feel like I have you simply don't make these type of mistakes and when you do it's hard to face up to them. Though Maser said a little humility might be good and if I have to list my infractions publically it may prevent them from happening in the future and therefore I would post them. So here it is. I'll go into the long winded explanation later but the short list of sins runs something like this...

1. Neglect the housework
2. Exceeded my telephone time limit
3. Neglected dinner
4. Neglected to call the mileage in to the tax people
5. Was disrespectful and challenging

Master is a firm believer in the fact that an explanation is nothing but a long winded excuse but this is my journal and I can fill it full of explanations and excuses if need be so here it goes...

A few years ago some friends and parents talked me into running for a local school committee in which funds would be distributed through out the schools in the best interest of the children. With Master's permission I agreed thinking I would never win and low and behold I was appointed as a member. The following year I was appointed vice president and now this year I am president. I enjoy it tremendously and take a great sense of pride in the fact that I have done many of the things I set out to do in order to help improve the education of our students. Though this last week was extremely stressful as there were several departments competing for funds and some of the BOD had very differing opinions on how the money should be distributed putting us at odds. When I ran for this position I always made it very clear that my first priority for the district was always going to be literacy. (The reason being is that several of the schools in our area don't have title 1 or sage, both programs designed to aid students who are struggling with reading skills. now you ask yourself why wouldn't a school have these programs? the Gov't gives out the money necessary for these programs based on the amount of free lunches a school supplies. what have free lunches and reading have to do with each other? NOTHING but I digress).

Now before I bore you with all the details... what does this have to do with D/s?
I let this position interfere with my responsibility to serve my Master and his home. I got to wrapped up in the outside world and forgot my obligations to my Master a huge no no for a slave girl. Tuesday at an early morning meeting I found out that there was a chance the vote might be swayed against the literacy program. So Instead of getting back home I ran to discuss this with the committee that heads the program and then to the school board office to see what other information I could gather to further my cause. The end result was that I didn't get done any of the tasks master expects of me. Wednesday and Thursday much of the same happened I put off my housework and didn't make dinner Wednesday. Thursday I spent the entire day on the phone, calling people and convincing them why it was so important to vote in favor of this program. Truth be told a small part of me personally didn't want to lose. Anyway Thursday night came and I left the meeting victorious. The literacy program had been awarded the additional funds required and I had kept all the promises I had made in order to swing the vote in my direction. I was thrilled beyond words. I felt energetic and in my own little way powerful. I had set out to get what i wanted and i had gotten it. Now for the school this was a great thing... for me personally this victory was my downfall it allowed me to become to full of myself. Upon returning home Thursday night I grabbed the phone again and quickly called the people waiting on pins and needles for the results and left Master to tuck the boys into bed. I didn't ask if it would be okay I didn't stop to think about anything other then my own success. Yes master was extremely happy for me and proud but at the same time I he was becomeing very disappointed in my behavior and I was to wrapped in myself to see it. He got the boys to bed and called me out to the living room. It was at that minute I knew I pushed him to far. He told me to strip and pointed to the center of the room and made a fist, thumb on top (the command for kneel). Master told me he was very proud of me for what I had accomplished but that he was extremely disappointed that I had lost sight of my purpose as his slave. That while this victory was mine it was clouded by my failure. He continued to point out that I couldn't forget one thing in order to accomplish another and if that was going to be the case I would in fact be resigning my position in the morning. Instantly I lost control. This was my night. This was my win and how dare he pull this Master in control shit on my night... aren't I even allowed one pat on the back?? Before I could stop myself tears were blurring my vision and I jumped up and told him I would like to see him accomplish even half of what I do in a day. Then I knew I had pushed the envelope too far. He stared me down hard and for one brief defiant moment I stared right back but I knew I wouldn't win and I looked away and sank back to my knees. He told me I had just wrote a check my ass couldn't cash and to go get the belt. I didn't even try to stand, I crawled down the hall to our room and got the belt and had this sudden urge to stay and hide there, to not go back. It wasn't fair he saw this coming and just chose to wait until I was having a great day why couldn't this all wait until tomorrow? The thought of making him come look for me though wasn't one I was going to consider. I had gotten myself into this mess and once decreed I might as well settle in and accept it is going to happen. So I literally dragged myself back out to the living room I crawled with my head as close to the floor as i could and knelt in front of him. He told me to offer it to him and once again I followed the ritual I have become all too familiar with over the years. I kissed his feet, kissed the belt and gave it to him. He grabbed me by the hair and led me over to his chair and tossed me over it and whipped me beyond tears and near hysterics.

When he was done he told me to crawl down the hall and get a white wash cloth in my mouth. I sulked down the hall trying to contain the huge hiccuping sobs coming from my chest and all I could think about was how I had been taking several short cuts here in there in order to get done faster so I could spend more time on what I wanted to do... chatting, surfing blogland, reading, napping. I cursed my own stupidity and laziness and prayed that I hadn't let the house fall way to far below his expectations. Now mind you our house is never dirty or even messy for the most part but Master is a stickler on perfection when it comes to my house keeping efforts. When I returned he signaled me to kneel once again and took the wash cloth from my mouth. He asked me if I thought I was going to pass and still in between sobs I shook my head no. He stood up saying that was to bad he didn't think I was going to be able to take another whipping so soon and proceeded to walk around the living room and run the wash cloth over the furniture, the shelves, and the floorboards. He even checked for dust on the light bulb of the lamp. He moved the couch and the chairs out, there was nothing he left untouched and each time he came across something he deemed unacceptable he would hold it in front of my face and make me count off starting at 10. In these little tests we never start at 1. He went from room to room me crawling behind him and went over them basically in the same manner, my tears spilling the entire time until we finally ended in our bedroom. My total 22. There were 12 places in the house he deemed unacceptable. 12 places where something wasn't where it belonged, something was dusty, or just not up to his level of satisfaction. 12 places I had managed to neglect because I was to preoccupied with what I wanted to do rather then what I was suppose to be taking care of. Because I was trying to gain control or power in my own little way. He asked me if I was proud of myself and of course I answered no. He asked me if this was the level of work he could expect from me from now on and I answered no. He kept pushing that maybe he needed to lower the bar and that hit me so hard I was sick. He told me if I wasn't capable of meeting his expectations then perhaps he needed to lower his standards. For a slave to hear these words it's a fate worse then death. I couldn't stand the thought and threw myself at his feet begging him to give me another chance... to let me prove to him that I was better then what I had been lately. He said no he would have to reevaluate his expectations because it wasn't fair to me if he was expecting too much from me and i was always going to fail and it wasn't fair to him if I couldn't live up to his demands. With that he locked me in my cage, turned the lights off and shut the closet door (usually the door stays open when I'm in the cage) I don't think I slept all I could do was cry. I was heart broken my chest ached so badly to fix something and in the end i was absolutely powerless to control my own situation. I didn't want him to lower the bar I wanted to prove that I could be what he wanted but even that was beyond my control. I cried quietly into the early hours of morning and by then I was exhausted and my pillow and blanket were soaked. I heard Masters alarm go off at 4:30 and listened to the shower against the wall of my cage. Usually a sound that I find soothing that morning only renewed my tears. After Master showered and dressed he opened the closet door and let me out. Laying on the bed was the paddle and I all but threw myself over the footboard. I would have done anything to be forgiven I would have gladly taken any punishment he handed out just for a fraction of his forgiveness. He asked me why I was there and I listed the ways I had failed him. He asked me what the count was and I told him 22. He asked me if I was ready and I answered and with the first crack I felt like I was going to die. My bottom was still welted and bruised from the belt I had just gotten less then 8 hours earlier. By the grace of God and the help of Masters hand I remained in place and finally it was over. By then my butt was 30 different shades of black and blue (and still is... and the munch yesterday didn't help that much lol) but I had endured and it was over. Master let me up and I dropped to the floor grateful for the opportunity to kiss his feet and that he was going to give me another chance. When he had enough he walked over to the jewelry box and pulled the alligator clamps out. He clipped one to each of my nipples and pulled on the chain saying that that perhaps they would help me remain focused on my tasks and they weren't to come off until all my chores for the day were done. (Plus the additional 12 things I had neglected throughout the week). All morning and afternoon I relished in the pain as the clamps tortured my nipples.

I was grateful for the pain, for the reminder, for my place as his. I wanted the pain, earned it, and deserved it. Though I have to admit I tried hard as hell not to move but ya know when ya try not to move it seems like you move the most. All in all the lesson was learned and I will do a much much better job from now on at keeping my priorities straight.

Then yesterday was the munch but that's got to be tomorrows post because after writing this one I am way to wiped out to go into that.

Top 10

2006-02-18T03:12:00.000-06:00

I started to write my post and decided I am just feeling much too much sorry for myself and couldn't bring myself to talk about my personal life the last few days... As Master would say my mouth has been writing checks my ass can't cash lately (though he has certainly collected a good portion of repayment) so I decided to skip the poor me slave stuff and went off in search of better and exciting things to read.

I swiped this idea from Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts and it led to all sorts of hot wet and wild fantasy ideas so I just had to do it myself. Ahhh and what a way to perk up the day. My own list of favorite fantasy celebrity spankers... grins Master happily pointed out that almost all my fantasy men have 3 things in common. They almost all play law enforcement roles. (can ya tell I have a cop fetish?), they all are built (big muscular arms yum yum my favorite trait) and last but not least either shaved heads or short short hair lol so now you can guess how Master looks lol he's really built, got that military short hair cut and oh my lord he's got those arms! Now ya know why he can make that fricken belt hurts so damn much. okay I btter go find him for some early morning fun ~winks~

1. Jason Statham (The Transporter) Ya just got to love any man that can toss ya over his head like that.

2. Vin Diesel Again what arms YUM!

3. CSI's George Eads

4. Christopher Meloni ~ Law and Order's Detective Elliot Stabler

5. Colin Farrell (S.W.A.T.)

6. Nicolas Cage

7. Judson Mills (Walker's Ranger Gage)

8. Michael Chiklis (The Shield's Detective Vic Mackey)

9. Steven Seagal

10. Chuck Liddell

I asked Master who he's like the chance to get over his lap and he could only come up with 5 and here they are...

1. Marg Heldenberger (CSI's Catherine Willows)

2. Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order's Olivia Benton)

3. Nia Peeples

4. Jennifer Lopez

5. Patricia Heaton

Anyway on a more upbeat bit of news our local munch is this afternoon and I am so looking forward to the support I can get from some friends there and maybe help me get through my current struggles well and some playtime would be nice.

Just a bunch of muck

2006-02-14T23:12:00.000-06:00

Scarlett hun this is all a repeat to you lol so skip it ~kisses and hugs~

I often find it very hard to complain in my blog because I have a wonderful sister who I go to when I feel the urge to rant and cry and she listens (God bless her) and talks me through these moments and then usually I feel much better. Last night was no different then the million other times I have cried on her shoulder. I have been feeling really frustrated and withdrawn lately and I have no idea why. I find myself wandering from room to room in search of something and not knowing what it is. The last few weeks I have felt like I'm no longer pulling my weight. Master had me stop working full time and now I'm only working part time (every other weekend) and I just don't feel like I am doing enough. I feel like my working less is causing him to work more and it fills me with this horrible sense of guilt. It makes me feel like I am a burden that he has to provide for. Don't get me wrong I love being home and I love my time with my children and I am grateful for the opportunity but I don't want him to feel like I'm not doing all that I could be doing. I liked to feel productive and like I was providing something for our family. As my sister suggested I have talked to him about all of this and was told this is the way he prefers it and that he in fact isn't working any more then he has in the past but now I am just home to notice it. ~sighs~ it still doesn’t make it any easier and I just don't know how to get over the feelings of guilt. Maybe it just all seems overwhelming right now because Master went into work again and I am totally PMSing which means another month has come and gone and again I didn't manage to conceive. Now hat I am totally done and beyond tears I think I will head off to bed and pray for a better day tomorrow. Oh and happy Valentine’s day

Oh thank goodness

2006-02-11T10:18:00.000-06:00

I found this lil quiz over at Theresa's and just had to try it... lol at least I learned something in school... wasn't sure for awhile there... talk about testing you're memory. 8th grade math hell I'm still working on 1st and 3rd grade math with the kids

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Submissive thoughts

2006-02-09T05:56:00.000-06:00

Now for any of you who have ever read my blog you know I typically don't comment on other peoples blogs or comments. I typically do my own little thing and go about my merry day and not disrupt the flow of the universe but this time something just struck me to the point I felt the need to look at it a bit deeper. I want to preface this post first with the fact that I am a huge believer in the fact that the beauty of the lifestyle is that there are no rights and no wrong between 2 consenting adults. What my Master and I do works for us though it may not work for someone else and vise versa and that's okay because everyone in this life deserves to be happy. But I found this comment on kaya's blog and I felt I needed to touch on it to some degree. Now before everyone gets up in arms I want to first say I am a dedicated kaya reader, I love what she has to write. I am totally inspired by her love and devotion and admire her greatly though I will admit sometimes the things she endures scare the life out of me. But on the same hand I am sure some of the things I have endured and written about may do the same to her and that's okay because we both consent to the lifestyle we lead.

Now the comment by this anonymous poster was (and I hope she doesn’t mind me coping from her blog)
I have a question: How would you feel if your daughter did this? Would you want her to end up like you are? Don't you want a healthy realtionship for her and her self-esteem? Are you a good role model for her?

Of course her friends all jumped to her defense and attacked who they perceived to be the attacker (as any good friend would) but in all honesty perhaps this person was seeking knowledge and just went about it the wrong way. (Can ya tell I'm a glass half-full kind a girl? I hate to think anyone would purposely be negative). Now I agree perhaps the post was in bad timing given the way she beautifully bared her soul for us and I absolutely agree that not signing their name was in poor taste. But the question itself I believe to be very valid. I can't nor would I ever dream of speaking for kaya or anyone else for that matter but I know it's a question both Master and I have discussed over and over once we had children. Matter of fact there are still days and times when I consider if the way we have chose to live is influencing them and if it is for the best.

Now I am not sure if the poster is in the lifestyle or vanilla, but I do believe in trying to educate (or enlighten) as much as possible. So on that note I am going to answer these questions for myself because perhaps they will shed some light for Mr(s). anonymous. These are only my opinions and your mileage may vary so take them for what they are worth.

How would I feel if my daughter did this? That's a hard one as I only have sons at this time though Master and I desperately want a girl. So I can honestly say we have looked at this from both sides of the coin. My emotions are mixed if either of my sons grow up to be like their father I would be more then proud. Their wife would have someone who cared for her, loved her, honored her, and would do anything in the world for her. Both Master and I have worked extremely hard at teaching our boys that it is their duty to always protect women. On the same hand we have been very careful to teach them it is not a woman's place to have to wait on a man. That I wait on daddy because it makes me feel good but not because I "have to". I don't want them to grow up thinking that if they fall in love with a woman who prefers to be independent there is anything wrong with that. I want them to know that women are strong, confident, and capable of anything and that men and woman can share equality in a relationship and sometimes that's a hard balance to teach when they see a mother who submits to everything their dad says. I would feel the same way if I had a daughter. I would want her to know I do this because it's what fills my heart and would show her every opportunity out there to be all that she is capable of being and that she does not need a man to make her life complete. On the other hand I would be very disappointed if she didn't take care of the one she loved to some degree and selfishly held the relationship to her wants and needs only.

Next question... Would you want her to end up like you are? Exactly like me, no? I would want her to be her own person. But like me yes. I have set out to accomplish many things in my life and I have achieved most of them. I would want her to get an education, travel, know herself as a person, and not be afraid to accept who she is and what she wants out of life. These are all things I have done and would again be proud if she did the same. The pressure to follow societies norm is overwhelming at times but I would want her to have the courage and the strength to follow her heart and if that is to bow to her husband and submit to his desires then yes I would want that for her. Would I worry? Yes probably, there are times slavery is rough, demanding, painful, and just plain hard but sometimes so is vanilla life. I would be more comfortable if she were in a M/s relationship then an abusive vanilla one. In the end what it boils down to is as her mother I want her to find true happiness.

Moving on...Don't you want a healthy realtionship for her and her self-esteem? Of course! What parent doesn't? The more important question would be... How is what Master and I (or any M/s relationship) display in our family not healthy? We are teaching them to love and respect each other as people. They don't see the arguing, yelling, or fighting in our house that they see when they visit several of their friends. They don't see the divorce or depression apparent in many homes in today's society. What they do see is a home life that is supportive, caring, and loving. They see a mother who goes out of her way to take care of their father and a father that will protect their mother at any cost. Not your typical vanilla view in many homes now days. So in all reality which lifestyle is healthier?

And last but not least… Are you a good role model for her (him)? Like any parent I am sure I have made mistakes. Hell I'll be happy if I haven't made enough to damage them for life but what I do know is that I have done my best to teach them how to be a good, honest, kind, and caring people and isn't that what a role model is? Someone that provides them with the ability to discover who they wish to be as they mature? Someone that gives them the opportunity to encounter life and learn from it? That provides support? That is always there for them? I could go on but I think I made my point. What have those things got to do with a submissive's sexual fetishes or the fact that they obey their husband? Absolutely nothing. To question if a submissive is a good role model is to question everyone that is different from the perceived norm. Look at extreme fighters, are they good role models? Homosexuals? People with differing religious beliefs? Different races? The answer is yes they are all good role models and if we really wanted to we could keep excluding people for one reason or another but then you lose something very valuable. I have worked in trauma care for several years and I believe in my heart I can tell you who the bad role models are (the parents who are to involved with drug and alcohol, the ones who don't know where there children are, the ones that beat or shake them to death in the middle of the night because they cried and woke them up, the ones who never take a moment to sit down and hold them, hug, them, or kiss them. I could go on for hours but i will stop) and I have not seen any of those traits in any of the submissives I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

So in short I think kaya's a wonderful mother and role model. Perhaps Mr(s) anonymous needs to go back and look at some of the other posts and pick up on some of these traits that kaya so beautifully displayed as both a role model and mom for her children instead of seeing only what's right in front of them. Look deeper into someone's life before assuming the worst. I am hoping that's what Mr(s) anonymous was trying to do with the questions at least... learn instead of critize.

Batteries better be included…

2006-02-07T21:52:00.000-06:00

Okay ladies how much would you be willing to spend for a vibrator? $25? $50? $150? Do I hear $500? Anyone for $1000? What am I getting to pricey for you? Well if not you can purchase this one from Lelo for the low low bottom basement price of $1,500! Yes you read that correctly. Lelo markets this little beauty as the essence of fashionable and deeply vibrating pleasure couture. This spendy trinket is made of sterling silver and handmade in 18 K gold-plate.

Call me cheap but I am tellin you right now if I paid $1,500.00 for a vibrator it better do more then provide deeply vibrating pleasure. It better crawl its ass out of the drawer, whisper sweet nothing in my ear, and provide me with hours upon hours of earth shattering, muscle clenching, animal screaming, sheet grabbing orgasmic bliss after which it better go clean the rest of my fricking house. But don't worry it comes with accessories... included in the fifteen hundred dollars you get a fashionable moleskin carry pouch, a wooden gift box, a universal charger, introduction manual (wonder if this comes with step by step instructional pictures), and a 1-year LELO warranty. (Try explaining that to customer service...well what were you doing with it at the time of operational failure Ma'am? Ummm well uhhh I was errrr nevermind... click) It also is "splash proof" for he times you are just so wet you ummm splash? Now I've dripped, I've gushed, I've sopped, I've even pooled and puddled but I have never once in my life splashed. (Hmm perhaps a new goal?) It's also "very quiet" a bonus for those times when the buzz of the vibrator is just so annoying you can't seem to focus on the pleasure. Hmm never had that problem. Now I like to be as trendy as the next slave out there but I am thinking my ol' metallic pink and blue vibrator will have to do me a few more years cause I just can't see master coughing up the cash for a pretty new gold one from Lelo. ~Rolls her eyes~ vibrating pleasure couture

Obedience and other stuff

2006-02-05T18:04:00.002-06:00

Yayyy Chuck Lidell won the 2006 UFC Championship! Which in all honesty doesn't mean much to me other then that fact that Master and I made I little side bet (which I won thanks to Chuck). So this little slave girl got served breakfast in bed this morning ahhhh I think I could get use to being waited on. ~smiles~ When Master and I were making the bet he asked what I wanted the stakes to be... Of course you already know I picked breakfast in bed. Then Master asked me what he got if he won and I said you can do anything you want with me when you get home. (woohoo for me I win either way) To which his reply was I already get to do whatever I want with you. ~ Shrugs ~ guess that's the draw back to being the Master you don't actually win much in a bet. lol

Yesterday morning he also told me a few of the guys (and of course there significant others) were coming over to watch the super bowl. EEK thanks for the advanced notice. I think he does that just to watch me scramble and see if I can get things together in time. Well of course I wasn't going to let him see me sweat so off to the grocery I ran and got everything I needed and threw it together with time to spare. I do have to admit I cheated to save time and bought things already sliced and diced instead of doing it myself. The awesome thing about a Super Bowl Party is it's probably the least fussy, most unpretentious party you can host. At what other party can you get away with serving nothing more then finger-licking mouth smacking snack foods? I mean after all, your television set is the focal point for Pete sakes.

So after dumping some roasts and onions into the crock pot for hot beefs and pulling out the platters there was nothing to do but wait for morning and wait is what I did. I chatted with a friend online until about 11ish and then went and took a nice hot shower, did my hair and makeup, slipped into a black lace nighty, lit the candles, and knelt in the middle of the bedroom waiting at midnight as instructed for Master to return. Midnight came and went and nothing. 12:30 came and went and nothing, 12:45 and still nothing. At times like this it's easy to get angry and frustrated cursing him for his insensitivity but I have learned that he doesn't have to be on time for property. I mean his kitchen table wouldn't be hurt if he was an hour late so why should I be? I guess what I am trying to come to terms with is it's okay to be upset but I can't let that affect my attitude or my service to him. While I was knelt there watching the minutes slowly tick by it was a struggle to remain in position. My muscles started cramping and aching, my feet were falling asleep and my thoughts drifted to the fact that I could, if I wanted to stretch out or lay on the floor and wait and he would never be the wiser. Or would he?

The answer to that is yes he would. Why? One because I would feel such guilt at not following his orders I would confess and two because he always seems to know. More importantly I have learned over time that yes I can take the easy way out, cut corners, or cheat here and there and get away with it but who does that really hurt? Sure he may be disappointed or angry but really in the end it hurts me and it hurts my submission. If I start cutting corners here and there where is it going to stop? In a Master slave relationship obedience can not be conditional. It must be all day, every day, totally, completely and without question. A single act of willful disobedience can disrupt the entire relationship often signaling an end to the relationship, as it was known. From this a new relationship emerges that may or may not be similar to the original relationship, which was based on full and complete obedience. Think of it like a single drop of red dye placed into the cup of water, the effects of disobedience may pale with time, but may never disappear completely.

So needless to say I remained where I was and luckily Master came home exactly at 12:51. I was both excited to see him and proud that I had obeyed his instructions to the letter. It is often surpassing these little tests or challenges he sets that give me strength. Our night was wonderfully filled with his hands pulling and teasing every part of my body and the floggers working over every inch of my flesh until neither of us could withstand any more and collapsed onto the bed for a night of passion. All in all not such a bad end to the night... Now I better get back out to see if anyone needs anything.

Tasks

2006-02-04T23:06:00.000-06:00

Master left a short while ago to watch the UFC with the guys so I have the night to myself, which I plan on enjoying. (though master and I have a little bet going so I'm pulling for Chuck Lidell) The only tasks he left me were to get the journal post done and to be ready and kneeling for him at midnight when he returned home. Though for some reason I just can't get my thoughts together enough to post. It seems this is just one of those times I'm struggling to write. I've tried to, attempted to, and ended up walking away. It feels like I have been sitting here staring at this blank computer screen for what seems like hours and haven't managed to type a single sentence. That frightens me to death. Sometimes I feel like I just can't think anymore. That I have become so much of Masters possession, accomplishing tasks not because I have to think about them but because I have been trained to perform them. At times I'm scared that I can no longer think for myself. I want to reach in and shake my brain, mold it and reconfigure it until it can function like I want it to. Argggg I don't even know if this is making any sense. I just give up.

Thursday was totally filled with highs and lows. Master had me stop what I was doing at the beginning of every hour and bring myself almost to orgasm, which I obeyed to the letter. It's so horribly delicious when you can feel your body on the verge of giving over. The moment when everything begins to tighten, your eyes start to lose focus and your breath hitches and so horrendously frustrating having to pull away and not give into the pleasure you know that's waiting for you on the other side. By 9 pm I had done this 15 times through out the day and was nothing more then a wet quivering, pulsing pile of raw flesh ready to be completely consumed and used by him. My body craved and needed him so badly I could hardly contain myself. When Master was ready he called me into the bedroom and had me climb up on the bed. He thrust his fingers deep inside of me and smiled telling me to beg him to let me cum for him. Over time the words have gotten much easier yet it still brings a warm blush to my checks as I say the things I know he wants to hear. He put on the blindfold (I love being blind folded there is just something about it, being totally unprepared and vulnerable). He made quick work of tightly wrapping a rope around my breasts until they were huge firm round balls and then looping it over the frame of the headboard. He then secured my wrists together and to the headboard as well as spreading my legs to their limits and securing them to the headboard up and over my head at each post. He has a tongue like no man I have ever met and had me sweaty and panting in moments but forbid me to cum then he inserted a vibrator into my pussy and strapped the butterfly against my clit before plugging my ass and told me to enjoy. With that he snapped off the lights and shut the door. With in moments the first orgasm hit (hell I was already on the verge) shortly followed by another, and after awhile another, and yet another. It seemed like my belly was wracked by one long spasm after another and I remember after awhile my muscles growing tired and each orgasm was taking more and more out of me. He only sound in the room was the buzzing of the toys and panting of my own breath and then it came, the swish of the crop suddenly followed by the burning pain on my breast and a bit of screaming on my part. Master worked me over with the crop until I surrendered to him 2 more times and then he pulled everything off and fucked me himself over and over. I was aching and floating at the same time. I thought for sure I had nothing left in me but he found it and pulled it from me, like he always does. Afterwards he let me down and we fell asleep together. I love his nights off.

On a side note Master did allow me to watch survivor the other night however it was survivor with a twist. He told me I could either choose to watch the show and not hear it or hear it and not watch it, so I choose to hear it and not watch it but so far it sounds fantastic. So for that I am grateful.

2006-02-02T09:14:00.000-06:00

Okay this is going to be a really speedy post so it may not make a lot of sense and be all jumbled up because I don't have more then 5 minutes to spare at the moment to go back and proof read it.

The gist of it is that Master and I haven't had to much alone time lately with the twins and all so I was really excited that he had today off. Last night he took me to supper while the boys were at church and said he couldn't wait to have his way with me and I couldn't wait either. Promises of being tied, beaten and fucked all day long floated in the air and I was more then ready. Needless to say at 4 am our phone rang and I rolled over smiling happily knowing he was going to say no thanks not today but instead what did I hear? I heard yeah what'd ya got, sure I'll take 73. I quietly pouted to myself for a bit and tried to get over my disappointment knowing if he was going into work I needed to get my butt out of bed start his breakfast and prep his uniform and I better not let my disappointment effect his day.

I knelt next to his chair and we talked while he ate I told him i was a little disappointed we weren't going to get the day together but that I understood ~sighs~ Then to my suprise when he was done he pushed his chair back, pulled me up over his lap, tossed my jammies over my back and delivered a yummy yummy hand spanking with lots of rubbing and teasing. though it was hard enough so I would feel his hand prints with me all day today. By the time he was done I was warm and happy all over and then he told me even though he wasn't going to be here with me today he would make sure I wasn't bored. ~ Smiles ~ isn't he so considerate?

After taking the boys to school here is my day. Part of me is way excited and then part is thinking it's going to be frustrating (in a good way of course).

I am paraphrasing but this is the gist of what he said.

While you're in the shower I want you to give yourself an enema and hold it for 15 minutes. As soon as your done insert the tail plug and it isn’t to come out until I get home... For any of you that may not know Master has this bizarre butt plug fetish. The stranger they are the more appealing they are to him. He has one that has a horse tail, which happens to be the one swinging from my ass at the moment, a ring toss game, and now this new trainer plug to hang weights from. (okay believe it or not it took me 5 minutes to convince myself to type that)
No getting dressed, I want you to remain naked all day (well sort of figured with a horse tail in my ass pants were out of the question... duh?)

Spend 1 hour on the treadmill going no less then 3.5 mph (that should be fun with the tail)

Other then the treadmill no walking and no furniture remain on your knees

Last but not least on the hour, ever hour until I get home I want you to use nothing but your fingers and bring yourself almost to the point of orgasm and stop. Then no washing your hands afterwards (ick the nurse in me is use to washing her hands like 100 times a day) Then emaill me tell me what you did and how you're feeling (I've been doing this since 6 am and man it's going to be a wonderfully frustrating day)

So anyway that's it in a nut shell. He definitely made sure I wouldn't get bored. So now I'm off to go run on the treadmill which should be interesting between the plug bouncing around in my ass and the tail brushing against the back of my thighs I am positive I will be up in arms before the hours up and I know there is no stopping for a break (I know there wouldn't be one if he was home) My only saving grace is that I am always a zillion times more embarrassed when he is actually watches me run with that tail swinging in my ass.

On a side note the new episode of Survivor is on tonight so I have to think of something out of the ordinary extra special to do in order to earn the privilage to watch TV for an hour this evening... any suggestions, please?

Diealectizer

2006-01-31T13:03:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh I found this over at Window into my world and it was so funny that I have got to try it... It's called the Dialectizer. You can enter a web address and it will translate it into different dialects. Like Elmer fudd, the Swedish chef, or redneck lol (cracked me up to no end... okay maybe Master needs to let me get out more). I swear my next serious pity me post is going to be done by Elmer Fudd and Master will think he's finally done it... pushed his lil slave girl over the edge... turned her brain to mush and left her a babbling puddle of goo. ~Evil grins~ that will teach him. Hey...I need to have some fun right? Anyway check it out lol it's great for a smile and laugh. Just for fun I reposted my last post in redneck lol I'm still laughing...

Yesterdays post lmbo

As it sh'd be...
Right now at this hyar moment ah feel secure, comfo'ted, an' at peace. ah feel like a blanket of tranquillity has spread on over our house an' all is right in mah wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah love this hyar feelin'. It's a feelin' of th' day gone right. Th' house is spotless an' ready fo' him, th' twins is sleepin', th' fellas is quietly readin' an' all thass lef' fo' it t'be comeplete is his return, as enny fool kin plainly see it's th' way he specks thin's when he returns an' it's whut ah's hankerin' t'give him, dawgone it. He called a few minutes ago an' said he'd be home in about an hour an' he wanted me t'go kneel in th' bedroom fo' thet hour an' wait fo' him, dawgone it. He knows whut kneelin' does t'me. It centers me, focuses me, an' brin's me inner comfo't, it suddenly puts me into th' right haid space. It's funny how emoshuns kin change so drastically fum one moment t'th' next. This hyar mo'nin' ah felt se'f pity, anger, resentment an' a whole tirade of off colo' emoshuns. ah wanted out, ah wanted t'be th' one in charge, an' part of me wanted t'make him suffer in unspeakable ways. But throughout th' day as ah wawked at mah taxs an' did mah cho'es ah foun' corntentment in mah posishun as his propuhty. Then ah reckanized he is th' one determinin' them emoshuns though ah's th' one expressin' them they is not allus decided by me. He decides how he be hankerin' me t'feel an' then puts his plan in moshun t'elicit them feelin's fum me. To watch me struggle, o' suffer, o' t'enjoy mah happiness an' excitement. ah's his puppet, his instroomnt, his toy an' he is a Master at knowin' how t'pluck, play o' posishun me. Smiles an' ah love him fo' it

As it should be...

2006-01-30T22:06:00.000-06:00

As it should be...

Right now at this moment I feel secure, comforted, and at peace. I feel like a blanket of tranquillity has spread over our house and all is right in my world. I love this feeling. It's a feeling of the day gone right. The house is spotless and ready for him, the twins are sleeping, the boys are quietly reading and all that's left for it to be comeplete is his return. It's the way he expects things when he returns and it's what I want to give him. He called a few minutes ago and said he would be home in about an hour and he wanted me to go kneel in the bedroom for that hour and wait for him. He knows what kneeling does to me. It centers me, focuses me, and brings me inner comfort, it suddenly puts me into the right head space. It's funny how emotions can change so drastically from one moment to the next. This morning I felt self pity, anger, resentment and a whole tirade of off color emotions. I wanted out, I wanted to be the one in charge, and part of me wanted to make him suffer in unspeakable ways. But throughout the day as I worked at my tasks and did my chores I found contentment in my position as his property. Then I realized he is the one determining those emotions though I am the one expressing them they are not always decided by me. He decides how he wants me to feel and then puts his plan in motion to elicit those feelings from me. To watch me struggle, or suffer, or to enjoy my happiness and excitement. I am his puppet, his instrument, his toy and he is a Master at knowing how to pluck, play or position me. Smiles and I love him for it.

Should it be fair?

2006-01-30T15:11:00.000-06:00

While I was locked in my cage the other morning the words were pouring out of me. I knew what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it but now that I sit here in front of the computer the only word that comes to mind is UNFAIR. (It appears I always think better in a semi vegetative state) Thinking back I don't recall the word fair ever coming up at my collaring. Sometimes I find myself asking if I knew this is what slavery was why am I hurt by the fact that it isn't always fair? The answer to that is simple I want it to be fair because well dammit even a slave should be treated fairly... shouldn't they? So then I asked myself what on earth possessed me to walk into something that I knew from the beginning wasn't going to be 100 percent fair? The answer is because it is what I wanted... no what I needed , it is something I can't live or function with out. Go figure.

People have asked me if I fear my Master and the answer is yes and no. I don't fear him he is gentle, kind, and loving. He provides everything I need physically and emotionally and I can't think of a time in my life that I was ever happier then I am now. However he is hard, demanding, strict and at times unfair just because he can be. So do I fear him? No. However I do fear what he is capable of... I fear his disappointment, his wrath and his punishment. He often is the shoot first and sort it out later type of man. His punishments are often swift and unmerciful and leave me trembling for hours. He is the kind of man that doesn't believe in second warnings... If I have been corrected for the mistake once in the past he figures I know better and if he warns me again that allowed me to push the envelope for a fraction of a second and that's something he doesn't tolerate. Thus mistakes are rarely made twice.

That being said Friday night I was attacked by a bout of insomnia and got up staying up until abut 4 am with out first asking permission to leave the bed. (Okay so my rational for this was that I knew he was tired and I didn't want to disturb him... I was only trying to be considerate) So Saturday night Master put me in my cage to sleep saying that this way he knew I would remain where I was put for the night. About 2-am I was sound asleep when Master opened my cage grabbed a handful of hair and yanked me out. Before I could comprehend what was going on he had me over the footboard of the bed belt in hand and delivered a spanking I won't soon forget. No talking... no listening... just punishment. My mind was reeling in confusion not able to grasp what was happening. Then it dawned on me he hadn't been to bed yet and I knew why he was mad. He had found out a prior "bad act" that occured over the weekend. I wanted the opportunity to object, to question, to explain, to defend my actions. (Right now I just can't force myself to go into the details of why). I did tried to explain my side in-between sobs and blows but my side didn't matter (and I'm sure it was coming out in a jumbled incoherent mess anyway). This was wrong, he misunderstood and this just wasn't fair. But to him all that mattered was that I failed him in a way he thought deserved to be punished immediately and harshly.

When he was done he pushed me to the floor and shoved his cock in my mouth. I wanted so badly to make it up to him to have him be pleased with me once again but it isn't easy to give a blow job with tears streaked down your face, hair matted to your head and snot running everywhere. I sucked as hard as I could but wasn't coming close to meeting his expectations. Hell I couldn't breath my nose was stuffed up from crying. He grabbed my hair and pounded against my face choking and gagging me as i fought for air until he was satisfied and tired of me. Then he shoved me away and told me to crawl back to my cage where I belonged, which I quickly scurried into, curled up and took refuge in. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and fell into a restless sleep after nursing my wounded pride. I woke up late in the morning still shaken and laid there trying to get a hold of my emotions. Why was I so hurt? I surely have taken harder punishment then this before…much harder.

Then it dawned on me it wasn't the fact that I was punished that upset me it was the way it happened. It reinforced the fact that I am his property. Nothing more nothing less. Property he can pull out, use, punish, whatever and shove back away without thinking twice. It didn't matter that I was sleeping, my time isn't my own and if 2 am suits his needs then 2 am it will be. It doesn't matter if I'm showering, or eating he doesn't have to wait until it's a convenient time for me; he doesn't even have to care. He can pull me out, do as he wishes and push me back like a thing... an object and all that's important is that I accept his authority and surrender to his decisions.

Last night I went to him and asked if I could speak freely about what happened and he wouldn't allow it. He said there were just times I would have to accept that he had made the decision he did and there was nothing to talk about. Part of me wanted to scream and rail against the injustice of it all. Okay fine he made a decision and I accepted it... I endured it but what was wrong with discussing it? He knows me to well, he knows when I want to discuss it it's because I want my oppertuity to prove my point. I want that equal footing and decision making in my training. But again I was confronted and had to swallow down the object treatment. The I did what I did for a reason and you don't have to like it and you don't have understand it attitude. It's harder then I ever thought it would be at times. Deep down I know he is right. Hell if he wanted he could have pulled me out and whipped me just for fun or because he was bored and there would be nothing I could say or do about it because the truth of the matter is in the end I am his property. Quite honestly I don't think I would want it any other way.

It's funny now looking back over this post when I started writing it I wanted to stomp my feet, scream and shout and claim how horrible he is and how badly I was treated.. but now I understand what he was trying to teach (or at least I think I do) and I thank my sister for all of her support and letting me cry on her shoulder and spout off my feelings all day yesterday. scarlett sweetie you're a doll ~hugss~

Butt plugs ~ugh~

2006-01-27T19:51:00.000-06:00

I am beginning to realize even when I think I know I don't. Now I haven't talked much about my daily routine training because how much can one say about ben waa balls and butt plugs? (except for the time I had to wear the balls to the grocery store in a skirt and no underwear.. afraid to death I was going to sneeze and have to go chase them down aisle 5) Anyway Master has added a new twist to my daily butt plug training and I am thinking the man just needs to make up his ever lovin mind! So anyway here’s the new twist...

Master requires me to wear a butt plug for an hour each day. His reasons for this are 2 fold... one obviously because it stretches the muscles so he can have his fun with out me howling in pain like a dying banshee and passing out and 2 because for me it's a huge mind bender. It's that dark and wrong mindset and for me the ultimate form of submission. He knows how hard for me to endure it therefor increasing his pleasure a notch. Twisted man. Anyway I digress once again He has now apparently decided yes we want that hole stretched open but we don't want it so open it loses some of the feeling for him. (not really sure when WE decided this) well how is this possible you ask. Can't have your cake and eat it too… Well apparently the wonderful people at Rupert Huse and sons have found a way. Master is now the very proud owner of and I the happy ever excited lil slave girl (can we say yippee?) of a trainer butt plug. How is this so different from a regular old but plug? It has this little nub with a hole on the end of it to hang weights from so you have to clench your ass muscles in order to hold it in place while the weights try and pull it out, thus stretching the hole while strengthen those muscles for his enjoyment ~ rolls her baby blue eyes ~. Of course there is the added bonus feature of the free weights swinging from your ass… On a side not this little hummer is stainless steel so Master has already mentioned it might be interesting to put it in the frig and make it nice and cold before insertion if I complained to much ~eep~ so I will sush now and stop the butt plug talk… I know I know you're all horribly disappointed…

On another interesting note my sister in law came to pick up the twins Tuesday evening and she paid me $50.00. (way cool) anyway she said she didn't know who to make the check out to and absent mindedly I said to make it out to Master (lol though I used his name… wouldn't want to freak her out too much). She said ohh don't you want it? and I said well he handles all the banking so I would just have to sign it over to him anyway. That got me thinking. I haven't actually held on to or seen my own money in almost 10 years. My paychecks are automatically deposited and Master takes care of everything. If I need something I ask and he will tell me to write a check or give me money for it. While this little revelation was a bit unnerving I guess I like it that way. There is nothing for me to worry about or deal with and the perk is if a tele-marketer calls I just tell them they must talk to my husband and if they continue to push I have the option to tell them he would whip my butt if I bought something with out his permission and they wouldn't want me to get into trouble now would they? ~grins~ that usually leaves them speechless and they hang up. What an easy life… well except for that dang plug lol.

Privileges...

2006-01-25T20:19:00.000-06:00

Washing your hair...
Catching a falling vase...
Covering your mouth when you sneeze...
Tying your shoe...

What do all these things have in common? Plain and simple they're all privileges that can be taken away on a Masters whim. I use to think I was deeply aware of the privileges that Master had allowed me. I thought that I was in tune and grateful for the bed I slept in, the fool I ate, the clothes I was allowed, the furniture I sat on and even the telephone I talked on. I knew 10 years ago when I accepted his collar that many things in my life could be given to me or taken away on his whim. Looking back I believe the actual words were

"Master, I freely and willingly affirm that I am yours, My existence is for your pleasure. I have no rights nor privileges other than those granted to me by you."

Wow I can honestly say at the time of that statement I didn't completely comprehend the depth of what would actually be considered "privileges". However, what a lucky lil girl that I am to have a Master who in his infinite wisdom has recently bestowed this bit of knowledge upon me clearing up any confusion there might have been in my own mind.

It all started Saturday night Master and I were snuggled up in bed watching TV and I was quite comfortably enjoying the movie with my head on his chest. Out of the blue he told me to roll over onto my side. Now the position he wanted me to lay in didn't allow me to see the TV. I know I should have just rolled over and been grateful to be in his bed but what did I do? I complained from that position I couldn't see the TV. He then looked at me, raised his eyebrow and said since when is this about you? Well blow me over that's right it isn't about me. Now don't get me wrong... the relationship involves me and he is always concerned with my happiness but his comfort or my lack of isn't about me... it's about his wants and desires. So I reluctantly turned into the position he wanted me in, stared at the wall and listened to the rest of the movie counting my lucky lil stars that he let me off with such a minor reprimand. What a wonderful man and understanding Master. ~swoons~ WRONG WRONG WRONG! I just wasn't worth interrupting the movie. After he turned the TV off Master told me to go kneel in front of the bed and I did... he lectured me for a long time about taking things for granted and how I was given so much more then many... (Hello? You have got to be kidding me right? He couldn't possibly be talking to me... given more then many? How can you say this to a woman who is only allowed to drink water, use the bathroom at certain times or sit on the furniture when he says it's okay? How can that be more then many?)

He told me to go get the wrist cuffs and blindfold from the closet and my breath literally caught in my throat... I couldn't swallow. Master has never restrained me during a punishment... ever and the fact that he was going to now scared the heck out of me. Before I could even process the command He said instant obedience and I jumped to do his bidding. I came back and knelt before him again. I kissed and offered them up he took them one a time and secured them to each outreached wrist and told me to place my hands behind my back. He then cuffed them together placed the blindfold on me and told me to go to sleep right where I was... no blanket... no pillow... only the floor and my body heat. I didn't sleep much that night I tossed and turned trying to find a position comfortable enough to fall asleep in. My back was out of the question, and my sides were uncomfortable with my arms secured behind me so I spent the night sleeping on my stomach and turning my head from side to side. Time is a relative thing in bondage and when you lose track of it, it seems to go on forever. I couldn't see the alarm clock so I had no idea how long I had been there or how long I would have to go. The ache in my shoulders started as a slow burn but grew steadily as the minutes ticked away I lost myself in time and self-pity.

When morning came I was repentant... and over joyous. I now realized how privileged I was to wake up each morning with out aches and pain, to have a bed, pillows, and covers... to sleep next to Master in any position. But Master felt the lesson needed to be ingrained a bit deeper into my subconscious. He removed the blindfold and told me he wouldn't be removing the cuffs and I was heartbroken. He said he felt they should remain on so I could see all the privileges he allows me through out the day that I have so easily taken for granted. He told me to go take a shower using only cold water as hot water is a privilege. This was the first of my many struggles throughout the day. Luckily Master requires me to sleep naked when the children are away so I had no clothes to worry about. This required me to get into the shower, stand backwards, bend at the knees and pull the tap on. The shower was more for proving his point then getting clean as I couldn't reach the soap, or wash my hair... all I could manage was to stand there and let the freezing water pour over my body increasing my discomfort. I attempted to dry off by rubbing myself against the towels hanging from the rack Which I am sure would have been amusing under different circumstances. There was no combing my hair since I couldn't reach my head (thankfully Master did this for me). Breakfast was the next struggle in my series for the day. As Master made me a bowl of cereal he point out if he wasn't there to make it for me I would be going hungry and then he placed it on the floor for me to lap at. (As were all my meals throughout the day) Once again Master delighted in pointing out that silverware is a privilege (Not like it would have mattered as I have found most often you need hands to use it anyway.) After Master ate and I lapped up my cereal he told me to clean up the dishes and left the room. I did manage this with little fuss but lots of aggervation and again came to understand even the quick use of my hands is a privilege he allows me. There were many events like this throughout the day and the pain in my shoulders only grew. (I would like to point out it's Wednesday and as I sit here I can still feel the ache and pain in the center of my shoulders) Something as simple as drinking a glass of water, answering the phone or wiping my own bottom after going to the bathroom had been stripped from me. By nightfall I subsided into my own distant world of suffering.
That evening before the kids were scheduled to come home Master knelt me down and asked me if I truly understood how privileged I was now and quite honestly I could say yes. He undid the cuffs and I discovered even the slightest move of my arms caused intense pain... and I broke down in tears as Master rubbed some feeling back into them. What all this taught me is that I am a slave that has been blessed 10 fold. Even though there are times i don't think so it is very clear to me now that my life as his is a very privileged one and after the weekend I won't soon forget it.

Grief

2006-01-20T22:59:00.000-06:00

Okay the good news is that my mom's health is slowly improving. I call my dad everyday at work for a quick update and he says some days are good and some are bad but the brunt of the crisis appears to be over. This has been my life for the past 6 years... Hoping and praying my mom has the strength to pull through one crisis after another. Each time I am thrown into the depths of despair wondering if this time is going to be the last time and I thank God that he in his infinite wisdom allows her more time with my children.

Now as for where I am at with all of this... What I wouldn't give for a peaceful night's sleep. Even a few hours of dreamless slumber. My nights are restless filled with one disappointing dream after another. I wake up, wander the house, check on the boys, pop on the computer (why I have no idea because I don't remember what I've done there. Hell I don't remember what I've done day after day lately) and then go snuggle next to Master again just to start the whole process over. My brain is mush... it's stopped functioning and I've been working on auto-pilot the last few days. The chores get done, the house gets clean, the kids get fed but it's not because of me... it's because of the many years of training Master has instilled in me. I could do it in my sleep. The muscles in my neck and arms throb, my chest feels heavy, and I feel like I have a thousand pins stuck in my skin. There isn't a moment I'm not near tears. I've been eating maybe once a day, mostly because I have a taste for nothing and no desire to bother with it.

I put in my last post that I was going to post it here and leave it here but I just can't. I try to forget about it and she just throws it back in my face. Yesterday the children had their school conferences and since our oldest was sick I made arrangements with my dad and he agreed to stop over and watch the boys so both Master and I could go. (He's one of those dad's that is always there when you need him no matter what) as I was leaving the phone rang so I picked it up and the number on the ID was my parents house. My first thought was just to hand the phone to my oldest son and let him answer it so I wouldn't have to talk to her and then I stopped and thought no that would be the immature thing to do and both Master and I expect more of me then that. So I needed to be an adult, be kind, and then hand the phone to my son. (I would never stop either of the boys from talking or visiting my parents... this isn't their problem and they don't deserve to be punished and as far as I'm concerned I don't want them to even know there is an issue). Anyway I answered the phone and said hello, which was followed by a moment of silence on her end and then a click. She hung up on me... wouldn't even say hello or ask for my son. (this is the type of immaturity I have dealt with all my life) My son asked me who it was and I forced myself to smile and say must have been a wrong number. On the way out I told my dad and mentioned he may want to try and call her back so she could talk to him and he just shook his head... I know how he feels we have talked about it in the past.

Why is this such an issue for me? I think in a dream this morning it came to me... I dreamt that my mom had come over and dropped this huge suitcase on my doorstep and said this is all your stuff from our house. I asked about a specific ruby and diamond necklace and earrings she borrowed years ago and has never returned (why this specific necklace came to mind I have no idea) and she said I wasn't worth wearing something so beautiful and walked away. In the background my dad was playing ball with the boys and some child I didn't recognize and then I suddenly found myself wandering trying to get home (not sure why because the dream started at my home) but no one had the time to help me. (If anyone knows how to interpet dreams please help me) I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't continue to have a healthy relationship with her and it feels like a huge loss. This isn't a one time thing this has been all my life and each and every time I pick up and move on but something inside of me feels just like I can't keep doing that. I want her to realize it isn't okay for her to hurt me and I won't keep accepting it. My dad use to say to me all the time colleen you know what she is like why do you let her keep doing this to you. The answer is I don't why... and I have no idea how to stop it other then walking away. Right now I just feel like giving up. In a way I think what I am feeling is grief.

I did a horrible thing last night and I know it. I shouldn't have done it and it was selfish. Master's work has been hiring out a lot of overtime and he has signed up to take what's out there so if they have a position open they call a hour before the shift start... I happened to be on the phone with a girl friend and heard the call cut in and looked at the id and sure enough it was Master's work... I ignored it... didn't answer it. I felt I needed him more then they did. I know that wasn't my call to make and if I had talked to him he may have decided to stay with me but I wasn't willing to take that chance. I just couldn’t bear to be alone last night. I know I have to confess and it’s best I do it before they mention that they tried to call. All I wanna do is forget about everything and sleep.

Quick post

2006-01-18T20:04:00.000-06:00

My oldest has now gotten what the youngest had last week so Master told me I didn't have to post tonight and could wait until tomorrow so I'm off to cuddle him

Good vs. Bad

2006-01-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

I'm warning everyone up front that this is going to be a long-winded incoherent rant solely for my benefit. It has nothing or little to do with M/s or BDSM so you may wanna skip it. What am I hoping to gain from this? I'm hoping to get it out here and leave it here and go on about my day with a new lighter improved attitude. I new bit of wisdom I took from kaya’s blog (Smiles in her ranting I have found wisdom).

My mom's health is progressively getting worse both physically and mentally and it's taking its toll. I can cope with her physical condition but what I'm struggling with is the mental aspect of it. It all started Friday afternoon. My dad called to say ya know mom is sleeping about 15-20 hours a day let's hold off on the kids coming over this weekend and let her recoup. Okay that makes sense and I couldn't agree more. In the mean while Master's brother called and asked if the boys could spend the weekend with them and go to the hockey game. Absolutely we encourage the boys to be close friends with their cousins. On Saturday night I called my mom to see how she was doing and ask maybe if she felt up to us stopping over to visit on Sunday after church. Before I could say anything out of the blue she told me to stay away from her and that my children would eventually see me for the horrible person I was. Just like that... no rhyme, no reason. Honestly this isn't something new I have heard it from her before whenever she feels I have neglected or not treated her properly somehow. She's gotten up and walked out on Christmas's and in the middle of the kids Birthday parties because she wasn't the center of attention. The thing is no matter what I love her, and I understand she has a very immature and childlike attitude about life. I have always felt the need to be responsible for her... to take care of her. I usually let her go for however many weeks she wants to "punish’ me by giving me the silent treatment and then call her and she will talk to me like nothing ever happened. So why can't I do that this time? I'm worried about her heath (God forbid) that anything happen I don't want it to be under these conditions, I would never forgive myself. I want to be there for her, I want her to feel loved and cared for, mostly I don't want her to be alone. She needs attention and love. But at the same time I don't know if I am strong enough to be attacked at every turn. Master keeps telling me not to take this all to heart that I know how she is and that she has said things like this in the past and to just let it blow over but for some reason I can't. I just keep thinking about her saying your children aren't stupid they will know what you are. I keep thinking what am I? What am I that's so bad? No I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes and given the oppertunity I would do some things differently but I do give my children every ounce of love and support I have. And I pray as my children grow up they understand I tried my best and gave my all to make sure they would grown into the fine men I know they are capable of becoming. There is not a day goes by I am not proud of them. I purposely try and do things I know my family didn't do with me. We sit down as a family every night at dinner (even when Master isn't able to join us) and we talk, we laugh, we discuss their day. We have something we call special plate and we all go around and say one thing we appreciate about the person who has the special plate that day. Smiles it's nice to see as they get older how they have developed. When they were young it was always I appreciate that he plays with me... now it's I appreciate he helped me set my bed or carried something. I go watch every wrestling practice or basketball game. I volunteer to help in their classrooms so I can be on their "turf" for a little part of their day. To me it's just so important to be there for them... to build these memories about the early stages of their life and help secure the foundation in which they view family. I didn't have that growing up... don't get me wrong I'm not complaining my mom had her own things she needed to take care of and my dad had his own things to deal with. They did the best they could under the circumstances and I will never fault them for that. (I mean I like to think I turned out okay) Why am I saying all this? I don't know maybe to convince myself that I'm not the bad person my mother sees in me. I just wish deep inside I could make everything all better and make all the hurt I'm feeling inside go away. I asked Master to take me out to the shed and beat me... I told him I would rather escape in the bliss of physical pain and he refused. He told me it wasn't healthy to mask one set of pain for another and I couldn't run to that as refuge when I wanted to hide. Instead he held me and comforted me and let me babble on and on... he let me cry, he let me get angry and in the end helped me to cope to a degree... now this is it I'm going to post this and move on and not look back. I'm going to pray from God's guidance and believe that things will work out the way he has planned. So that's it I'm done babbling and I hope no one is drooling and beating their head against the desk quite yet... Thanks for listening

10 Reasons We need a Submissive as President

2006-01-14T13:33:00.000-06:00

okay I am being totally cranky and unreasonable today... I have no idea why other then I want attention and Master is sitting in the livingroom watching TV. I am trying my darnedest to keep busy and not impose my own wants on his day but I have to tell ya I'm hoping and praying he will soon be standing in the doorway with a flogger in hand or some other fun loving toy. anyway while i was surfing I came across this and it cracked me up so i had to share it. enjoy!

10 Reasons We need a Submissive as President
Author Unknown

10. A submissive is ready to serve 24/7
9. She is very protective
8. She knows how to negotiate
7. She is not afraid of being told when she had done something wrong, most of the time she will tell on herself
6. She is faithful and honest
5. She will try her absolute best
4. She can take an ass whippin', walk away with a smile, and will not hold a grudge.
3. If she gives a blow job, she will proudly admit it and admit to swallowing too.
2. She is tolerant of all the many different lifestyles and people within them.

Number 1 Reason that a submissive is needed in the White House.
1. She will have one hell of an Inauguration Fetish Ball

Theresa's meme

2006-01-13T21:25:00.000-06:00

Okay Ms Theresa I finally got it done lol took me long enough I know… But it really was a great tag and got me to thinkin… Thanks

5 Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My smile
2. My ability to listen
3. My ability to remain calm in a crisis (lol typically a good trait for a nurse)
4. My passion
5. That I'm Master's slave

5 Things You Don't Like About Yourself:
1. My eyes
2. My inability to say no
3. That I often procrastinate
4. That I'm always afraid what other people think
5. My freckles

5 Things You Wish For:
1. I wish I was pregnant
2. I could protect my children from ever experiencing disappointment
3. I could please everyone
4. A falling star
5. A vacation

5 Things You Don't Wish For: (oh this one was hard)
1. Twins (not after this last week)
2. More chores
3. For my children to grow up to quickly
4. To ever forget the decisions in my life that have lead me to become who I am
5. To ever hurt anyone.

5 Things You Would Change: (This can be any area)
1. The tension at my children's school
2. My perception of myself
3. My need for approval
4. Master's job
5. All the hate that surrounds the world

5 Things You Have Learned To Appreciate:
1. The curve balls life throws at you.
2. Hearing I love you
3. The small moments I share with my family... like doing dishes together
4. Autumn leaves
5. Watching the sunlight filtering through the trees in the early mornings.

5 Things You Are Interested In:
1. Women's and children's healthcare
2. Religion
3. Education
4. Theater
5. Cooking

5 Talents You Have: (this was hard so I went and asked Master and this is what he thought)
1. Cooking
2. Organization
3. To motivate others
4. Music (instrumental... i can't sing for nuttin)
5. To tell people off without them realizing I just told them off.

5 Favorite Things:
1. Master's arms
2. The way my children smell after a shower
3. Classical music
4. French Silk pie (delightfully sinful)
5. Whips, floggers, clamps, chains... need I go on?

5 Secret Desires:
1. To live out a kidnapping fantasy
2. To switch places with Master for 1 day.
3. To be a princess.
4. To be needed
5 Whips, floggers, clamps, chains...

5 Self Truths:
1. I will not ever think I am good enough, smart enough, or talented enough.
2. I will never recapture my youth
3. I am the only one responsible for my own happiness
4. That I may not ever have another child
5. That no matter how hard I may try I can’t make everyone happy.

5 Lies you've Told:
1. I told Master I went to the Dr. to get my Rubella shot but never did... Still haven't gotten it to date.
2. I told the girls at the pto I will be busy tomorrow (didn't mention that it will be vegetating)
3. I once kissed an elderly patient on the forehead and told her she was going to be okay when I knew she wouldn't survive the night.
4. That I no longer binge and purge… (okay I don't do it as often as I use to but when I am really stressed it's the only relief I can find at times)
5. About my age to get into a bar before I was 21

5 Silly Things:

1. My sister and I test drove a stick shift car once and pulled into this driveway and realized that we didn't know how to get the car into reverse and ended up in his garage. Finally we had to go knock on his door and ask him to help us
2. I often replay a situation over and over in my head until I go over every possible scenario
3. I'm afraid of spiders.
4. I talk to my son's furby while I'm cleaning their room... lol my family is probably laughing going yup I've seen her do it.
5. when Master works nights I can't fall asleep unless the TV is on.

Now tag 5 People
The only person who I know to tag is scarlett (no one else I ever tag does 'em lol and I just tagged scarlett so unless you wanna do it sexy I won't tag you again. But I encourage anyone to try answering these questions there harder then you think.

Just For Fun

2006-01-12T13:57:00.000-06:00

I found this on Angel Brat's blog and just had to try it for myself. If you wanna give it a try it's a lot of fun so here's the link... Maybe you'll be more creative then I was lol

A Day of Worry

2006-01-11T22:08:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard the old saying when it rains it pours? Well that's what my day has been like. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from my mom's panicked friend saying that that my mom had just left and something was wrong. she said she wanted to take her to the ER but my mom refused to go (stubborn woman) She said she was worried and she didn't know what to do. so she took her car keys however my mom had another set. I asked her what was wrong and she said it looked like her face was sunburned, her speech was slured and incoherent, and she kept fading in and out. So instantly I am thinking elevated sugar levels causing her blood vessles to rupture which would explain the "sunburned" look (A little medical history my mom has had several heart surgeries including a triple by-pass along with many other procedures to implant stints to help prevent blockage. She's also diabetic and has several other issues needless to say in the last 6 years I have spent many a night in the CCU with her). I immediately contacted my dad who said he was on the way home and would take her to the ER. She was there all night and what they treated her I have no idea. She was released this morning but as it stands no one will tell me whats wrong and I can't seem to get any information. Every time I try to talk to my mom about what's going on and what the treatment plan is she says she bursts into tears and says she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm trying hard as I possibly can to be supportive and give her the space she needs to deal or cope with the situation but I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of fear and want to rush right home and be with her... I want answers that no one wants to give me and that makes me worry even more.

The to top it off while I was teaching CCD this afternoon one of the aide from my youngest sons class came to my room and said... do you have E with you today? I said no he went to class. She said we didn't see him but I'll go check again. With in 2 minutes she was back at my door and said that he wasn't there. As a parent panic instantly fills your heart at the thought that you don't have a clue where you child is. I had her pull one of the aides from another classroom (mine had happened to be sick this afternoon and she's a doll so I hope she is better soon cause I need her!) Within moments 6 of us were searching the school, room by room, floor by floor, we checked the bathrooms, the playground, the church and no sight of my son. My heart was pounding and I just remember I kept praying we would find him and finially after about 10 minutes we did. Sister D found him, he had gotten mixed up in another classroom by accident and he is such a quiet child he was afraid to tell the teacher he didn't know anyone in the room so he just sat down and was over looked. I have never been so relieved in my life he came out sobbing and I just held him reassuring him that everything was okay and that I would always be there to find him if he was lost. I asked him if he wanted to stay with me for the rest of class and he said no he wanted to go back to his classroom. So I walked him back to class and watched him sit down at his desk. I think from now one that's what I'm going to do. Over protective? Yes perhaps I am but I don't care I'm the mom and I can be that way if I want. Even though I know they won't ever see or read this I want to thank all the wonderful friends who helped cared from him as much as I do. My heartfelt thanks go out to you and your families and you will forever be in my prayers. May God bless each one of you for your kindness and love.

2006-01-11T08:03:00.000-06:00

Master just emailed me this from work... (can tell he's working hard huh?)

TAKE A LOOK AT THE PICTURE.SO, WHAT DO YOU SEE? CHECK THE EXPLANATION BELOW.YOU'LL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING.

You saw a couple in an intimate pose, right?

Interestingly, research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario.What they WILL see, however, is the nine dolphins in the picture!

So, I guess we've already proven you're not a young innocent child. Now, if it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 6 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted and you probably need help! (I know I did)

Ok, here's help. Look at the space between her right arm and her head, the tail is on her neck, follow it up. look at her left hip, follow the shaded part down, it's another one, and on his shoulder. See them now?

Tired!

2006-01-10T19:02:00.000-06:00

Kicks the flippen computer, mutters, cries, cusses the blogging powers to be and kicks it again... this wasn't the post I was going to post but blogger ate my first one and I'm so dang tired I just don't care.
Okay I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again... I'm tired and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. I know I'm whining but isn't that what tired people do? Sunday morning Master's brother called and said that their baby sitter broke her ankle and she needs to be off for the next eight weeks. Now I'm as sympathetic as the next person but exactly how does that affect us? Well let me tell you how. He goes on to say to Master since intricate's (okay he didn't say intricate but you get the picture) not working (not working??? When did I quit? Okay so now I put my hours in on the weekend but I'm still working last I checked... shesh) and you're really the only people we have to turn to on such short notice we thought she wouldn't have a problem helping us out. (gee thanks for asking). So what does all this mean? It suddenly means I spend my days running amuck. It means that these 2 sweet adorable life-sucking drooling creatures are dropped off on our doorstep Sunday night at 5 pm and not picked up again until Tuesday at 5 pm then they're dropped back off on Wednesday and not picked up until Thursday. (short version is I have them approximately 64 hours a week) AND NO ONE BOTHERED TO ASK ME! No one said hey are ya up for this? No one said would this be a problem? See being a slave it doesn't matter if I'm "up for this" it doesn't matter if it's a problem all that matters is that Master said yes intricate will do it. IE. meaning intricate really doesn't have a choice. I'm not saying Master doesn't give me a choice at times but there are times he doesn't and all I am is good manual labor. Sheesh is there a slave's union anywhere because I think I need to discuss this with the union rep... I've got a serious grivence to file.

But here is what I've learned. I've discovered after dressing, feeding and loading a 9 year old, an 8 year old, a 6 year old, a 3 year old and 2-1 year olds into the van for school I'm TIRED and the day has just started. Yesterday I had to take our oldest to the dentist and what was once a simple errand became the trek from hell and in the end I was TIRED! Now in all fairness Master has made allowances and said he will be a little more lenient on some (some???) of my chores. (How kind) but damn I'm still tired and yes I know swearing will get me corner time but hey at least while I'm in the corner no one will be screaming MOM. (Now only if I could learn to fall asleep standing on my feet) Add this on top of my chores, wrestling practice (which stated today) pto meetings and... and... and... ~ yawn ~ okay if i can find someplace in this house to hide I'm going to go take a nap.

PS... please know I am reading everyone's comments (thank you, thank you, thank you) and I'm reading everyone's blogs sporatically but I just haven't found the time to comment or reply... Why?? well because have I mentioned I'm tired?

The Rest of the Night

2006-01-08T10:43:00.000-06:00

Okay here it is the rest of my New Year's Eve scene. i know it took me forever to get done and i am wondering if i should pull all three parts into one post but for now I'll leave it like this. If you haven't read the other posts here they are... then it will make a little more sense
Post 1
Post 2

"Crawl to me cunt, show me how much you want this." Fine his terms but I could still play the game as long as he allowed it, I mean what other choice did I have? I slowly licked my lips and pushed the panic deep down inside. I placed my hands on the floor and crawled as seductively and slowly as I could towards him. I kept my head down but my eyes were locked firmly on his... His eyes have this ability to pierce my soul and give me strength when I need it the most.

I knelt before him and offered my wrists up. He tightly secured the cuffs around them before grabbing my hair and pulling me up. Master backed me against the cross securing my wrists in place and then made quick work of placing the cuffs around my ankles. He tugged at each clamp and decided to tighten them sending tiny shock waves of agony through my nipples before he started to flog me. His strokes were nice and slow warming up my breasts, my stomach, my pussy, my thighs. It felt divine and I enjoyed every moment of it. I was hungry for more but at the same time in no hurry to rush the night away. Master continued switching to heavier and heavier floggers until he was using the cattail and looked completely satisfied. Now I’m not sure how to describe this so please bear with me. Master lifted my legs and placed them against his chest so I was hanging from my wrists but my weight was balanced against him. Then one at a time he secured each ankle cuffs to the same ring my wrists were attached to folding my body in half but leaving me spread open to any little torment he could think of.

I watched him open the container of Vaseline and coat my pussy lips in the gel. He pinched and pulled at my lips teasing me mercilessly as he rubbed it deep into my tissue. When he was done he picked up the cattail and my mouth went completely dry again. My heart was hammering so hard in my chest I was sure he could hear it. Before I could say a word he landed the first strike against my lips. I swear that thing is designed to make the meanest of sadists salivate. Panic took over and I fought with everything inside of me to free myself. But there was no escape my legs were bound open and my pussy exposed to him for whatever he wanted to inflict on me. I cried, I pleaded I even begged but he wasn't about to stop... the night had just begun. I focused on my breathing and his rhythm and fell into that space where everything is gone around you and all there is... is pain. After my pussy lips were hot, swollen and raw he held the cat up to my mouth and instinctively I kissed it but that wasn't what he had wanted. Instead he held two fingers to his bottom lip (the command for me to open my mouth... sheesh through all this he expected me to concentrate?) He placed the handle between my teeth and told me to hold it. He reached over and picked up two clamps and let each one snap on to each of my pussy lips. Which just about pulled a scream from me that would have made cat's ears bleed had I not had the flogger in my mouth but I was to afraid to drop it and disobey his wish. He tore off two pieces of duct tape and pulled each clamp as far back as he could and taped it to the inside of my thigh before taking command of the cat back. I was shaking I knew what was next and soon it came each one of those nine knotted tails found a home to land on my exposed and hungry clit. It was immediate and intense and Master was enjoying my anguish and tears immensely, he'd stop and pinch my clit, slap it, roll it between his fingers and start again. Never seen a man more proud of his work in my life. He would alternate between my flogging my sex and my ass sometimes striking my back of my thighs until they were a deep shade of red and mess of welts. He is an expert marksman sometimes laying the knots deep into my muscles and other times not even touching me but snapping the tails just above my body so small wisps of wind would do nothing more then kiss my skin. (I need to find that man another hobbie... apparently he has to much time to practice).

After he tired of that he reached in and grabbed another handful of Vaseline and coated his own hand in it. He held it in my face and said you know what I am going to do with this? And again I panicked Yes Master I cried... he laughed and said oh you think you do but you will learn you know nothing when it comes to what I am capable of. And with that he pulled the plug out of my ass dropping it to the floor. He inserted a finger deep into my ass pumping it in and out. He clicked the egg inside of me up a bit higher and with in seconds I was in heaven. He added a second finger and I cried out I surrender to you Master. I needed to cum I was teetering over the edge and he laughed and said not yet... not until midnight slut. This was an order I only hoped I could obey. Then I felt him begin to add another finger and slowly another until he had all five fingers in my ass and I let out a scream so primal I thought I was going to pass out... I prayed to pass out. He's fisted me before but only vaginally. I struggle mentally even with the concept. He reached up with his right hand and began to massage my tender clit. He tried to calm me, tried to talk me through it but couldn't gain my attention. I was lost in my own world of suffering and pain. He reached up, slapped my face and grabbed my chin and demanded I answer him. What are you? I am a slave, Master... and who's ass is this? It's yours I sobbed. Good girl...then look into my eyes, relax and bear down and make it easier on yourself. He went back to massaging and slapping my clit all the while working his hand deep inside of me. I tried to obey I wanted to obey but I couldn't I screamed and cried until my voice was ragged and raw and finally his hand was deep inside of me. My muscles spasmed and I continued to gasp for air as my body adjusted to this new sensation which wasn't an easy task... after all we're talking about a man with hands the size of Washington. Once inside I could feel him opening, closing and twisting his fingers. Slowly pumping his hand back and forth, he continued talking me through it and holding my focus, willing me to not only endure but to want it. I can't begin to explain where I was at emotionally I was humiliated, mortified. (Looking back now I'm not sure why that was so hard for me. It certainly isn't the worst thing Master has put me through.) Reflectively I'm not sure if my tears came from the indescribable pain or from the degradation of it all.
Master continued to play with my clit and pumping his hand in my ass until he knew I had no choice I couldn't hold it back any longer and he told me to release and I did. Each wave hitting me over and over again until the muscles in my stomach couldn't take it any more and even then it continued. As soon as I regained some control he asked if I was ready to go again and I shook my head (to be honest I didn't think I could go so quickly again). Master reached up and one at a time, without releasing them pulled the nipple clamps off (horrid little things) and through my screams my body again went through another wave of that wonderful pain and pleasure combination. And again my body was his instrument to play as he removed his hand sending me through one last orgasm on the cross. When he let me down I couldn't talk... couldn't think... couldn't even stand on my own. Master lowered me to the ground right there and we fucked for hours it was pure hard and raw... from the island on the lake behind us we could hear them shooting off fireworks all night and it was incredible.

After we were both exhausted Master wanted to soak in the hot tub and relax and my aching muscles were screaming for a massage. As I eased my beaten body into the steamy water every blister, every welt, and every bruise cried out once again. Master opened his arms and accepted me into them wrapping me tightly against his body and we sat there finishing the bottle of wine and watching the sun come up. All in all it was the perfect ending to 2005 and the most awesome beginning of 2006 and I will never forget it.

Memoirs of a Geisha

2006-01-07T13:48:00.000-06:00

Master allowed me to go out last night with a woman who is quickly becoming my best friend. We were sort of throw together as she is the vice president of the pto and also happens to be my aid for teaching CCD. (So needless to say we spend quite a bit of time together) Whenever we're together we laugh so hard our sides hurt. It's a bit strange though because she has no idea the lifestyle Master and I live and so to a degree I feel I have to be careful what to say. Part of me wants to tell her then another part is to afraid to risk the friendship so I hold back waiting for a sign that she is ready or capable of understanding.

Well last night we decided to go to the movies and she wanted to go see Memoirs of a Geisha and I was dying to see it as well. So Master agreed to let me go and even got us the tickets and gave me 20.00 in spending money for popcorn and to go eat afterward... This was already quite the treat! Anyway the movie is about two sisters who are sold by their father to people who place the younger daughter in a classy geisha house. The older sister is sent to a more dangerous part of the city and eventually runs away. Chiyo (the younger sister) becomes a maid to a cold, controlling, and calculating geisha who is instantly jealous of Chiyo's unusual, beautiful eyes and childish innocence. Another maid at the house befriends Chiyo, but the two are soon driven apart. Chiyo is shown compassion by the Chairman (I was instantly drawn to liking this man) and another, more successful geisha, who takes her under her wing as her "little sister," this infuriates the controlling geisha and she tries every way possible to belittle and ruin Chiyo chances for happiness. I was totally entrances watching this girl be trained in the art of being a geisha, learning how to walk, talk, dance and bow in order to please and honor the men. I won't tell you any more in case you go watch it for yourself lol wouldn't want to ruin the surprise! Throughout the movie I would watch her bow, the tips of her finger just brushing the floor and part of me would wish I could move like that. It was a beautiful time.

It's to bad that in society today we are so rushed and hurried from one thing to the next that we have lost the art of beauty. A time when every move made was a work of art showing pride and honor in what they were doing. I wish with all my heart for the chance to spend even one day learning in that world.

2006-01-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

okay I know it's past new years and i have honestly really been working at getting this done. So I know I'm not completely finished but this is all I have had time for so far.
After we ate, talked and enjoyed the fire for a few hours Master wanted to go down to the playroom in the shed and I was more then anxious to say the least. I love our play area. It's like stepping into another dimension the moment I walk through door I'm in instant slave space. I love the way the carpet feels under my knees and the way my screams echo off the walls. I love the darkness that covers the room but most of all I love the fact that everything that has happens in this room is for the sole purpose of Master's pleasure.

Master told me to strip and then pointed to a spot in the middle of the room and used the hand signal telling me to kneel. I quickly obeyed and knelt there listening to him move about the room collecting what he wanted and lighting the candles. Every part of my body was screaming for his touch and I fought back tears of need welling inside of me. I forced myself to find my center and relax. He walked over and circled around me a few times tapping my breasts and ass with his riding crop just enough to drive me deeper into despair. He stopped directly behind me, bent over my shoulder and whispered into my ear. His breath was hot and moist on my neck and I inhaled deeply drinking in his essence. He asked me "whose cunt are you" yours Master" I whispered "To do with as I please" I only nodded, this really wasn't a question "Are you ready to scream for me as the clock strikes midnight my pet?'
"Yes Master" (sheesh couldn't he tell I was ready like an hour ago) "Then beg for it, cunt. Tell me you want me to hurt you... Make me believe you want me to pull the screams from your throat" Now anyone that's been reading this blog for awhile knows I struggle with begging. It makes me feel so helpless, so owned, so out of control. But I was on the edge the vibrator and plug were driving my insides wild. My need was at its peak so with hot tears streaming down my cheeks I begged, my own voice ranging in my ears forced, repeated, desperate, and small... begging to be used, to be beaten, to be tortured... oh man what a mind fuck. And all He did was smile and laugh... He knew his will would triumph over mine and in my soul I knew it too, so why do I find it so hard to accept?

He walked away his steps strong and confident and then he said it... Just threw it over his shoulder like it was the most natural thing in the world One last thing, cunt from now on you no longer have the use of a safeword. WHAT? Excuse me? No I couldn't possibly have heard him right. First that and now this. I mean I have never once used my safe word in 10 years so what did it hurt if he let me have it or not? So what if he only pretended to let me think it was at my disposal? The point was it was still mine. I had the authority to use it on my terms. It was my safety net, my lifeline and he was so easily dismissing it like it meant nothing at all. In my head it gave me control, it gave me power and I wasn't ready to let go just yet. I wanted it...No, I needed it and I wasn't going to go on with out it. I could feel this white-hot heat growing in the base of my neck, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, what I wanted was to get up and walk out, to show him I didn't have to play on his terms. But it didn't really matter what I wanted; this was his game and he knew he controlled the cards. He knew I wouldn't or couldn't walk away, He knew the power was his and he knew he had already won. And again he just stood there laughing as he watched me fight this internal battle of acceptance within myself.

Okay that's all i have time for tonight the rest will follow tomorrow... it's a promise!

2006-01-05T05:44:00.000-06:00

I finally managed to find a time to post that didn't interfere with my chores, where the telephone wasn't ringing, the dog wasn't barking, work wasn't hounding me and no little children were in need of mom's attention. I can sit here and post and not worry about what else is lurking behind door number 2 waiting to be done. Wow you say when is this possible? The answer is 4 am. The house is quiet everyone's still sleeping (even the dog) and I have 2 hours all to myself. Hopefully my brain cells are functioning enough to make a coherent post. (We'll see about that one).

Yesterday morning, as promised Master delivered all 37 strokes of the belt. (One for every minute past midnight that my post was over due). After I drop the boys off at school I drove home in complete silence trying to formulate what I was going to say. Actually, to be honest I don't remember the drive at all, one minute I was at the school and then the next thing I knew I was home. It was like I was on total auto-pilot. As soon as I walked in the door Master summoned me to the bedroom and told me to strip and get the belt. Instantly my stomach dropped and tears sprang to my eyes. Every ounce of me wanted to rebel against the injustice of it all, wanted to state my case and how these expectations weren't fair, what he is asking of me just isn't possible. I am only one person or is he seeing double? But I have learned that once Master has made a decision it is final and to stall just shows I am testing or questioning his authority. (Not a good way to start off a punishment) What choice did I have? I took off my clothes walked to the closet and got the belt. I knelt down in front of him and he asked me why I was in the position I was in. I hate this part almost as much if not more then the actual spanking itself. It's like a white-hot heat that burns deep inside of me to have to confess my sins before him. No matter how many times I have done this very exercise in the past each time is like a new blow to my dignity and in the end it leaves my core raw and exposed. The plain and simple fact is the rule was made and I broke it. No excuses, No exceptions. He asked me if I had anything I wanted to say and yes I had oodles and oodles I felt I needed to say. I asked him if I may speak completely freely and he granted me permission and I thanked him for this is a request not often granted during a punishment. I hesitated thinking through what I wanted to say and choose my words carefully. The gist was that I needed help, I needed more structure (~Smacks her head~ Oh My Gosh did I just say that?) I told him I didn't know how to effectively balance all the tasks that he requires of me each day. I didn't know how to make them all mesh and work together and felt each day was a frenzy of rushing from one task to another. I felt I needed more time management or to perform more efficiently because the day seemed to slip through my fingers and was gone before I knew it. He nodded, kissed my head and thanked me for my honesty and told me he would take this all into consideration over the next few days and come up with a schedule that would allow me to serve him better.

Eureka, I had done it! There was a glimmer of hope and for a moment I thought I was off the hook, but alas the life of a slave can be a cruel one and such was not my fate for a rule is a rule no excuses, no exceptions. He told me to present the offer and my hopes were shattered. I kissed the ground, I kissed the belt and I handed it up to him. (flippen belt) Master pointed to the footboard and I leaned over it. I pulled the duvet into a ball, buried my head and prepared myself for the worst. Master didn't disappoint me... I received 37 of what I swear were the hardest strokes I ever remember. Needless to say by the time he was done my bottom was a mess of welts and intensely re-colored. When he was done he sat down on the bed next to me. He rubbed my back and waited until my sobs slowed into sniffles and whimpers and explained to me that I disappointed him by not coming to him and communicating these concerns before. He explained that he had no intentions of taking anything out of my schedule because as far as he was concerned it was all within reason but that he would fine tune it and teach me how to accommodate the tasks he sets for me more effectively. In the end I realized he is right. If I open myself up and place myself in his hands it can be done. If I am honest and share with him what I am struggling with boulders become pebbles and the ripples in the water fade. Suddenly my days seem more manageable. On that note I am off to start todays chores.

Thank you Master

Day Late and a Spanking Short

2006-01-04T00:30:00.000-06:00

Okay this is going to be the shortest post in blogland history. I know it's past midnight which officially makes it a day late and Master has already promised me one lick of the belt for every minute past midnight. I HATE that flippin belt. I can take about any paddle, flogger, or whip Master throws at me but there is something about that dang belt that makes my stomach clench in knots and my bladder weaken. I am beyond words and think it's totally unfair if he wants me to post every day or every other day then he should find something to take out of my day to compensate... not just add one more thing. I mean how many one more things can be added to a persons day before it becomes to much? Doesn't he realize there are only 24 hours of the day available? I struggle to find computer time as it is. How am I suppose to prioritize which task to get to first? If I put journaling before something else am I going to get punished for not accomplishing that task? Sighsss who knows all I know is I am going to post this and be done because it's already 37 minutes after the hour.

New Year's Evening

2006-01-01T23:03:00.000-06:00

Master and I hope everyone had a super fantastic New Year's. As for Master and I, we spent a not so quiet night welcoming 2006 in together. Typically we don't go out on the town as every place is packed and doesn't really allow the intimacy we like to start each year off with. So we took the kids to grandmas and returned home to settle in with all of the evening's goodies. When we got home Master slipped into the bedroom while I started to get dinner out. After a few minutes he came out and told me to go change into the outfit he laid out on the bed for me, which was a new cute little red nighty, vibrating butt plug, egg, and nipple clamps. After getting ready I went back to the livingroom and handed Master the remotes he turned them both on low and I wiggled a bit more for show then anything else before returning to the kitchen to finish dinner. Master started a fire, spread the quilt out on the floor in front of it and poured us each a glass of wine and every once in a while would peek around the corner and give me an extra special little jump. We sat on the blanket while we ate and talked about the past year, things we did, things we didn't do, things we would have liked to done. All in all we both agreed we had no regrets. We talked about what we would like to do this year and I offered him my resolutions all the while the plugs inside of me were driving me insane. I was wild with need for him and tried every subtle way I could think of to show him I was more then ready.

Okay I am stopping here for the night because my kids are being a bit wild and honestly I am really beat but I wanted to post it and keep up with my every other day rule. but I promise to post the rest tomorrow...Sorry

New Years Resolutions

2005-12-30T20:31:00.000-06:00

This morning Master told me he wanted me to think of 5 New Year's resolutions to offer him tomorrow night. I knelt there as I do every morning watching him get dressed for work thinking he must be joking yet knowing he was serious. I tried to explain how difficult a task this would be but his response was that making resolutions can be a positive step in self- improvement, and there is always room for improvement... or was I self deluded into thinking I was perfect? (Okay not really sure what was wrong with his going along with my perfect theory a bit longer... talk about bursting my lil bubble) He said that not making resolutions was unacceptable and if I couldn't choose them for myself he would be happy to choose them for me. Not sure I wanna go there. Then he proceeded to kiss my head, told me to stay on my knees for the next half-hour and think about what I needed to improve upon and left the room. Now I know your sitting there thinking this shouldn't be that hard but for a submissive it's harder then you think... How can I say I would like to work out more when He dictates how much I am allowed to work out? How can I say to earn more money when he dictates how much I may earn? To keep the house cleaner? From a man who walks around with a white wash cloth once a week checking for dust... not likely. See the complication now?

I am literally sitting here fighting down the panic rising within me to come up with 5 things worthy of his time. I want so badly to please him yet he has molded me into the person he wants me to be so how do I go about suggesting changing that?

So here they are...

1. I resolve to procrastinate less and complete each task and assignment Master gives me immediately with a willingly and cheerful heart. (starting with thinking of these 5 resolutions)

2. I resolve to examine my actions every night before bed, and determine whether I have served Maser and his home in the best way I possibly could and never willfully omit anything less then my best from Master no matter how trivial I believe it to be

3. I resolve to strive every week to be brought higher into my submission and obedience to Master, and to a higher exercise of surrender, than I was the week before.

4. I resolved to be firmly faithful to my trust in God, not placing my want to have another child above his will.

5. I resolve to never act as if I were in any way my own, but entirely and altogether Master's.

and here is my bonus resolution..
I resolve to support my children, and help them in their life's endeavors, as well as to teach them how to confident in their abilities and who they are.

A Day of Rest

2005-12-29T15:24:00.000-06:00

Well yesterday morning my dad called about 6 am and said our 6 year old was holding his head and screaming and couldn't be comforted. So Master went and took him to urgent care and it turned out he had a pretty severe inner ear infection in his right ear and mild one in his left ear. So after they came home we pretty much cuddled up with him in our bed and watched TV all day as he napped on and off. You know they like to pretend they're all grown up but at 6 he's really still my baby and there is nothing more nurturing then laying and holding your child and stroking their hair as they sleep. Knowing you're the one that allows them that comfort and security. About 9 pm he woke up crying that his ear popped and his pillow was soaked in blood. This is fairly common when the fluid build is high enough behind the eardrum it can cause the ear drum to rupture. (lol see the perks of haveing a nurse as a slave?) So after assuring both Master and child that it wasn't serious we headed off to the ER to get some meds to help dull the pain and heal the eardrum itself. Anyway it made for a long night. But I'm happy to say that he is active and in good spirits today. Got me up to make waffles and bacon at 5:00 groanssssssss So now I'm ready for a nap. so as soon as I'm done here Master told me to go curl up with my new blanket in my cage before we go out to dinner tonight... It's so soft and cuddly I drift off instantly feeling that same security my lil one must have felt.

besides the blanket I wanted to share one more of my Christmas presents with everyone… Now Master and I talked long before Christmas and decided not to exchange gifts with one another but to focus ourselves and our finances on the children. Now being the obedient lil slave girl I am (uh huh honest) I took him at his word and bought nothing... hard to do when he doesn't hand over the cash but anyway...Smiles this is what showed up under the tree on Christmas Eve. I was so shocked I bawled couldn't stop myself. The family thought I was insane but I have always wanted one... drooled over them... it's absolutely beautiful and the chimes make me smile every hour and think about him. Sneaky man guess next year he will be getting coal in his stocking for lying to me :P

AWOL

2005-12-28T17:43:00.002-06:00

I know I have been awol for a bit and for that I apologize. Do I have an explanation? Yes. Is it a good one? No. As Master would say an explanation is nothing more then a long-winded excuse.
I guess the whole thing came to a head the afternoon on Dec 24th; I was in the kitchen getting everything organized for Christmas dinner. The boys were outside building their snow forts and the twins were entertaining themselves by taking the Tupperware lids out of the drawers. Master came into the kitchen and told me to get on my knees. Instantly I was a flurry of emotions, my stomach tightened into a knot as my mind scrolled back over my actions the past few days... I wanted to object, there was dinner to prepare, presents to wrap, rooms to clean, all in all I just had to much to do... Why don't Master's understand this? However the reality of it is that I know there is no room for negotiation and hesitation only shows lack of obedience. I gathered up my apron and knelt down before him, I decided to quickly kiss the ground in front of him hoping to show a good faith effort for anything that I had done to displease him. He pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and sat down in front of me. He told me he was disappointed that I had chosen to neglect something I committed myself to doing... disappointed that I would blow off or take for granted something he allowed me the privilege of doing. I knelt there stunned and looked at him completely lost. My privileges are often few and far between and must be earned, I certainly would never take for granted anything Master gave or allowed me. He said he noticed I hadn't posted anything in my blog for weeks and he wanted to know why. I wanted so badly to tell him that I didn't know why, to blame it on the busyness of the season, the added chores, the additional company. I wanted to claim it was because of the recent problems with my eyes and my being sick but all that wasn't true and I wouldn't dare dishonor him with false attempts to shield the truth. The truth is I read blog after beautifully written blog by submissives whose words are elegant and meaningful and I sit there thinking my words don't honor Master with the passion they should. They aren't elegant, or beautiful, they are merely my crude attempt to journal my life and I feel my life is to "normal" whatever normal is. I told Master that I didn't feel I was adequate enough as a slave to share my thoughts or feelings. He looked down at me, cupped my chin in his hand and forced me to look into his eyes and asked... Do I not work you hard enough girl? Yes Master you do... Do I not use you hard enough? I nodded the tears starting to sting to my eyes. Do I beat you any less severely? I just shook my head... Do you think any less of me as a Master... This time horror filled my soul... No of course not... Then what makes you feel you are any less a slave? I don't know I sobbed I just do.
He smiled down at me and said that I have come so far in my submission and service to him that my life as his slave was as common as breathing. That even the most intense seems like second nature and that I just was blind to how different my life really is because my life is encompassed by it. He's right, Master could command anything of me and I wouldn't hesitate to obey and I wouldn't think anything of it. No matter how hard I worked or how much pain he inflicted on me it would just be like any other ordinary day.
In the end (yes my end) I received a few well-placed swats with a wooden spoon. (By this time the twins had lost interest in the Tupperware and were somewhere down the hall) and Master sent me to my cage for a half-hour to think about how I had taken a gift he had given me for granted. He pointed out that I had made a commitment and failed to live up to it. He also made it clear that if I wasn't going to be appreciative of what I was given he would be more then happy to delete my little space on the web which admittedly I would miss. In my cage I thought about everything how I was so angry at myself for disappointing him, how I wish I the beautiful worlds would come to me, how I had a million and one things to do before 5. My time was up quickly but I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay curled up in there and take a nice long nap... mostly I didn't want to face Master right then but I did. I told him how sorry I was for neglecting what he allowed me and that I wouldn't be so careless again. He kissed me and told me he wouldn't expect any less. So now the new rule is there will be at least 1 post in my journal every other day... no excuses... no exceptions. ~ Sighs ~ Hopefully that explains a bit of my absence.

Tagged :-)

2005-12-27T16:48:00.000-06:00

"I was tagged by Taylor from Twice as Bright and I loved being tagged so woohoo for me lol.
If I tag you and you don't want to play, just let me know and I won't do it again. Sorry it took me so long to get this done but I'll explain all that in my next post.

Here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You are tagged!" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

I can't fall asleep if there is even a single dirty dish in my sink nor can I leave my bedroom in the morning without setting the bed.
Whenever Master leaves for work I tell him 3 things... Be safe, I love you and I have something to tell you when you get home. (We both know the only thing I have to tell him when he gets home is I love him... it's sort of my way of reassuring myself that he will be home).
When I eat out I eat all my fries first by dipping them in ranch dressing before I even take a bite of my sandwich.
I talk in my sleep.
I take a dry towel with me into the shower so if I get my eyes wet I can dry them off.

I tag... okay so I'm lucky if I can find 5 people to tag lol
Scarlett
Theresa
Heidi
Slave
Cathy

Good News All Around.

2005-12-11T11:45:00.000-06:00

There is good news all around our house today. The situation Master's ERU team was called in for was resoulved on saturday morning and all the officers were sent home safe. It was good to have him home last night and next to me though he was totally crashed out and I was a bit on the restless side with this silly cough. On the upside my fever finally broke mid last night and this morning I managed to drag myself out of bed...and actually shower, Yippee. Now I just need to get some energy back and get motivated. Master wants me to spend the day on the couch not doing much of anything and I feel like I have a million and one things to do since I've been in bed for 4 days. I do have to admit I get eaisly winded just walking down the hall so I think perhaps I will do as he says. It's not so much that I want to disobey but more like I feel the need to be a productive part of our relationship. Whenever something like this happens I feel like I am letting him down and not living up to my responsibilities. Recently I have gone down to only working every other weekend and for my last weekend I had to call in sick so my income isn't there anymore. Does this mean we are struggling... absolutely not. (not that we're swimming in money but my income isn't essential) but at the same time if I'm not contributing to our income and I'm not keeping the house clean and the kids taken care of what value do I have? Master keeps telling me when he took me on as his he allotted for sicktime but i just want him to know how important he is to me. okay well enough babbling I'm getting tired again so I think I will just post this and go lay down. thanks to everyone for their prayers and emails they really meant a lot to me :-) and I promise as soon as I have more energy I will email you back...

Ick

2005-12-08T04:36:00.000-06:00

It's 4:35 am and I can't sleep and I feel like ick. Ya know one of those times you just want to crawl up and hide under your covers until you feel better? When I'm sick I am a huge huge baby. I typically don't whine and complain but I want Master, I want to feel him next to me rocking me or rubbing my back... keeping a cool cloth on my head. So basically there is no point to this post other then to say I want my Master and two hours feels like it is going to last forever.

Day 2

2005-12-07T18:18:00.000-06:00

Master came home this morning at about 10:00 and crashed hard. No, the situation isn't resolved but it hasn't escalated to the point where thy are locked down yet. YIPPIEE! So for the time being they are running in 12 hour shifts and he is able to come home. Sadly his is shift had to be back to work by 6 pm. I still don't know how those guys do what they do but I am grateful for all of them that willing put themselves out there for the safety of others. Thank you Master I love you and be safe. on another note I have an awful fever... don't know what I picked up where and it's been like forever since I have had one so I am going to post this and climb back into my nice warm cozy although empty bed.

I watch him in the evening
As he's getting dressed
I can't help but feel so lucky
To be married to one of the best.

I know that I am biased
All police wives feel same
Blessed and Deeply honored
To carry our wonderful man's name

I try hard not to worry
But most times I do
I tell him every night "Be careful"
And always, "I Love You"

I try to make sure he knows
How proud I am of him
Always fighting the good fight
In a battles they can't seem to win.

My heart goes out to those wives
Whose men have made that sacrifice
They promised to serve and protect
With their lives some paid the price.

I sleep in fitful dreams
Afraid I'll get "the call"
"I'm sorry Ma'am. We tried our best."
"But know he gave his all."
My arms go around him
The minute he's in the door
"Rough night hun?" I ask him
As he drops his gun belt on the floor.
"No worse than yesterday."
Is always his reply
I kiss his cheek and thank God again
It wasn't his day to die.

Scared

2005-12-06T15:47:00.000-06:00

Well here I sit and I am totally freaked out again. Master's swat unit was called in this afternoon at 1:40. When his unit its activated he usually leaves the house within five minutes gear in hand and says someone will call and update you at the soonest opportunity. Not that HE will call me but that someone will and it typically is someone that calls providing only the briefest of details. Not when he will be home or what's happening but I guess I don't care about that all I care about is that they say he is safe. I hate sitting on pins and needles worried that something may or may not happen. It scares the heck out of me. I love Master to death but I hate his job. This wasn't what he was doing when we met and this isn't what I signed up for. Yes as the years go by I have become more "use" to it or as use to it as one can get knowing that their one is specifically being sent into an unsafe situation.

When we met he had a nice safe, uneventful job, but he hated it he wanted to do something more challenging. So I encouraged him to go back to school, when he chose criminal justice I was mildly surprised but I was proud of him. I wasn't really worried we live in a small little town where nothing much ever happens. I never in my wildest dreams imagined he would end up working for the state. He excelled in his testing and graduated with top honors. People were actually coming to him and offering him jobs. Master being the thrill seeker he is craved the challenge and jumped on the most ambitious offer faster then I could blink my eyes. Before I knew it there were all sorts of background checks and investigations. They talked to our friends, our family, my work, and neighbors we hadn't even met yet. He went though physical testing and psychological testing and then he packed up and left for 8 months of training. Granted I love that about him and I love that is how he approaches my training as well sometimes but again I didn't sign up for this. I swear he is an endorphin junkie but there has got to be safer less stressful ways. What is this riot about? Apparently there is a huge interracial gang war in one of the prisons and things are going from bad to worse quickly. When will I see him again? I'm not sure. Hopefully this won't last through Christmas but I'm not holding my breath. Last year he was active through thanksgiving and didn't get to come home so now my only option is to hold tight, keep my thoughts positive, prayers in abundance, and hope that this is resolved quickly with minimal damage. But I will say it again it scares the heck out of me.

What is Santa bringing you this year?

2005-12-05T07:30:00.000-06:00

Okay I was really hoping for that sock full of fun lil toys to provide that nice lil warm glow on cold winter days. But by the looks of things last night one may be on it's way. funny how knowing that isn't changing my attitude but I'll post more about that later after I take the boys to school.

You've been fairly good this year, and a mild
spanking on occasion is enough to keep you
happy and polite.

When you check your stocking on Christmas morning
you will find a bottle of soothing ointment for
the rare occasion you go across your partner's
knee.

What is Santa bringing you this year?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-12-03T22:28:00.000-06:00

Okay I have a blogging confession to make... (I feel like I should be saying hello My name is intricate and I am a Microsoft word poster) Eerything I post I have to type in word first just in case I may have a spelling error. (And ya all thought I could spell...HA! Half the time I am lucky I can spell my name) Does anyone else do this or is it just me? Please tell me it isn't just me. Now you are probably asking yourself why is she telling us this? Well here is the reason I realized I typed the posts and didn't actually post them to blogger... okay chronicle blonde moment in progress. So here they are now rewritten in the past tense.

November 28th
Well this week was fun but at the same time a little sad. I pulled all the Christmas decorations out and started putting them up. I just love, love, love Christmas. I love all the joy, wonder and magic of the season. I love the baking and the children's sugar cookie creations. I love the tree with all its trimmings, the caroling in the park, the hours of waiting for Christmas dinner as the tantalizing aroma drifts from the kitchen while the children play with their new treasures. I love the Christmas midnight mass and the special memories you share with family and friends as you celebrate the birth of Christ. Okay I will stop now before I get really carried away. Anyway this year I thought that things would be so much more relaxing with the little ones off at school. There would be no one underfoot or wrapping themselves up in lights and tinsel. Sadly I realized that's what I miss the most. Last year while I was putting up the decorations I had a 5 and 2 year old pretending to be reindeer and eating apples out of my hands. There was just something special and magical about that time that I will never forget. It became very hard to accept that they are growing up and that time is slipping away from me. Then all the thoughts about the fact that I am still not pregnant crashed in on me I know... silly and emotional I just kept thinking girl get a grip on yourself. By the time Master and the boys got home I was an emotional wreak. Master sent me to bed and got the boys to sleep and came in. He held me, rocked me and prayed with me for strength and guidance until I drifted off to sleep. By morning I felt like my old self and was ready to take on the world. (Now that it is actually Saturday)I am proud to announce my Christmas schedule is back on track. The decorations up, the stockings hung, the cards are written and addressed, the presents bought and wrapped and all I have to do is start my holiday baking but that won't begin until the 10th. I am back in the Christmas spirit and enjoying every minute of it. Have I mentioned he truly is a wonderful Man?

November 30th
Wednesday was basically a super mommy volunteer day and it went something like this...
7:50 dropped the kids off at school
8:00 cleaned the house
9:00 ran to buy some dictionaries the school requested from the PTO.
9:45 returned with above mentioned dictionaries and delivered them to school library
10:00 attended a strategic planning committee meeting to discuss a whole bunch of stuff that was over my head.
11:30 Wondered if the meeting was ever going to end
11:35 grumbled about the Stupid meeting, and the stupid school principal that held the stupid meeting
12:00 Met with literacy group
1:30 Returned to school and held the annual school Mr. Bacon pig races. (lol okay they are mechanical pigs but it is way cute if you can get passed 350 excited kids screaming at the top of their lungs... I will try to add pictures of this. The way they oink and wiggle their tails and snouts is enough to crack up a monk).
3:30 pm grabbed the kids and went to CCD, taught class and assembled care baskets.
4:15 pm Attended a teachers in service, and volunteered to help deliver the care baskets
4:45 grumbled about learning to say no.
5:00 delivered care baskets the classes made to the family resource center.
5:45 Stopped at McDonalds and threw food at the increasingly hungry children threatening to gnaw the leather off the seats in the van
6:00 Took kids to Royal Rangers church program… dropped them off and left with hopes that the commander would forget where we lived until morning.
6:15 finished dropping off the damn care baskets
7:00 reminded myself where I lived and returned home
9:00 fell into bed and declared I am never going to volunteer for anything ever again...or at least until tomorrow...

Thursday I basically caught up on the wednesday chores that Master allowed me to forgo for the day and completed Thursday's chores.

Friday, well I actually did manage to post on Friday and now it's saturday and I am way to dang tired to deal with today so if God is with me I will get that done on sunday. Hoppe everyone is having a happy weekend!

Romance Movie?

2005-12-02T20:01:00.000-06:00

You must like to spank or be spanked, because your
romance is remeniscent of Secretary. A truly
modern love story, it shows that you don't need
to be conventional to be normal. You're
probably the type that owns a whole lot more
leather than what's upholstering your car or
sofa. Yeah, you know what I mean.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Bored

2005-12-02T13:06:00.000-06:00

I never considered myself to be micro-managed but sitting here today it dawned on me that maybe I am. Typically Master lays out a plan for my day. What needs doing, what he wants done, and how I should be doing it. But today for the first day in ages I have nothing to do. I woke up a little before 5 after Master left for work and started my daily chores so I had everything done by 8. Now I am sitting here with nothing productive left to do for the day and it's driving me insane. My sister was laughing at me saying to relax and enjoy the time off but I just can't, I feel lost, like there's something that needs doing and I just don't know what. I want direction… no I need direction. My whole day is going to be wasted and pointless. I would have been much happier if Master had left me a long list of instructions. I absolutely hate when my days aren't planned out, that restless feeling usually gets me in trouble. Sighssss okay I am going to go wander and try and find something to do.

The Monday Morning Mirth

2005-11-28T08:19:00.000-06:00

What is it about Mondays? Just hate 'em... Nothing good comes out of Mondays- ever! Monday in and of itself is bad enough but Monday morning's (needless to say) worse. Maybe it has something to do with starting the the same old grind. No matter howmuch I clean on Friday by Monday there is Laundry, cleaning, homework, and running from place to place trying to keep up with everywhere you need to be. Yuck... So on that note I have decided to do something fun every Monday Morning... So here is my very first ever Monday morning Mirth... ENJOY!

The following test consists of 4 QUESTIONS and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer to question 1 is: "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door."
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator."

Correct Answer: "Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door."
This tests your ability think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: "The Elephant." The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities:

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: "You swim across."
All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

hee hee Okay that made my Monday slightly better.

Whew!

2005-11-25T11:19:00.000-06:00

Well Thanksgiving is over and we survived! All in all it didn't go so bad other then being extremely stressful. Master didn't say one word to his sister the entire day... wouldn't even make eye contact with her. Most of the day he would excuse himself from the group and go play with the kids down in the other room so he wouldn't even have to look at her. I agree with him completely and wanted to support him but often found myself trapped into talking to her. (I am completely grateful he understood and didn't get upset with me) I tried to keep my answers short often not more then one word but at the same time I didn't want to make waves. I am just extremely glad it's over. ~ Sighs ~ Now I need to start worrying about Christmas. Master has already made it extremely clear that she will not be allowed into our house at anytime. I have tried to respectfully explain to him that this may disrupt the family and that Christmas is a time for forgiveness but Master will not hear of it.
You may be asking what could someone do that would cause this type of anger... Plain and simple she completely and totally humiliated him at work and in the process risked placing our children in a dangerous position that we have really tried hard to protect them from. It all started a few years back when she divorced her husband of 10 years and started dating this man whom had been in prison. She lied to us about what he had been in prison for and claimed he had changed. We trusted her and offered to give him a chance. We Invited him into our home and tried to become friends. Well turned out he hadn't changed and is now currently serving 12 years in prison for 1st degree sexual assault of a minor. Now Master is a black and white kind of person (as most officers are) things are either right or wrong and there is no inbetween. He has a very high moral standard and won't often tolerate anything less. So it took a few years before Master got over the fact she allowed this man to come into our home and be around our young children but the point is he did eventually get over it. Well a few weeks back he went into work and found out by that accident she was writing one of the inmates. (someone new) He called her and told her this needed to stop that he couldn't have his sister writing an inmate where he worked. Well she said she understood and that she wouldn't do it again... Low and behold a few days later she sent another letter, which included a picture (and we aren't talking about a face shot here), and the information that her brother worked there. Well of course his captain pulled the picture and called Master into the office and showed him everything. Master of course was completely embarrassed not to mention to see his sister like this not to mention furious. so needless to say things went down hill from there. Master can't feels he can't be certain how much other information she has given him, even though it may be unintentional. And I am beyond pissed she would put our children at risk. We have taken so many precautions... Master doesn't wear his wedding band to work, our number is unlisted, Where he works won't ever go byu first names, only last and we won't allow the school to post pictures and names of our children in the paper and for her to jepordise everything for some gang member, child rapest, or armed robber just kills me. I just can’t understand. Needless to say it has thrown our whole family into a tizzy.

Anyway I will stop venting and end on a positive Thanksgiving note. I thought I would list the top 10 things I am grateful for...

1. I am thankful for a Master that loves and cares for our boys and me. Who is such a great husband and a great father and me. Who puts us above everything and provides everything we need.
2. I am thankful that we have 2 wonderful children who bless our life.
3. I am thankful for the health of our family.
4. I am thankful for our home and that we have a safe place where we can be together.
5. I am thankful for the wonderful friendships that we have made throughout our life.
6. I am thankful for my relationship with God and his presence in my heart.
7. I am thankful we always have food on the table and enough to share with our friends.
8. I am grateful for Masters direction and guidance.
9. I am grateful for each day I can share with family and friends.
10. I am grateful that each day I am able to learn and experience something new.

Okay I could go on forever but I said only the top 10 lol.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Do Over!

2005-11-24T00:08:00.000-06:00

Remember when you were a kid and something didn't work the first time and you would scream "DO OVER" and everyone would allow you the opportunity to try again? Well I am calling DO OVER! This week has been one of those weeks. Nothing serious has happened it's just all of life's little inconveniences that piled up this week.

Monday before Master took the boys to school he told me we had some unfinished business to take care of when he got home and to get the paddle and wait in position until he returned. (For those of you that may not know the position he is referring to... it means kneeling naked and bending at the waist with the paddle on the floor and about 2 inches under my nose but not touching.) It took Master about 20 minutes to get the boys to school and back, which was 20 minutes faster then I wanted. He came in and walked around me listing off my sins and his expectations of me. He stood in front of me, looking down on me and asked if there was any reason that he should show me any lenience. I knelt there silently, my tears already dropping onto the paddle knowing I had no reason to offer him. My own actions in the light of day embarrassed me. Thoughts of the disrespectful words I said and slamming doors flooded my memory. In my heart I knew I had tried to strike out and hurt the one that has given me everything. I refused to communicate and refused to listen and learn. I intentionally harmed the relationship and risked damaging my own submission. I knew being disrespectful was breaking a huge "law" in our home and yet I still allowed the temper tantrum to win. He told me to make the offer and I kissed the floor in front of him, I kissed the paddle and handed it up to him. He told me to stand and lean over the footboard of the bed. My knees were so weak and my stomach so fluttery I didn't want to move but I didn't want to hesitate. I earned it and I knew it, I just wanted it over. I leaned over and gathered the duvet into a ball and held onto it. Master wasted no time getting down to business. (i know that paddle doesn't look wicked but honest to goodness it is)With in minutes I was crying and pleading for him to stop... swearing I learned my lesson, but he wouldn't hear of it. I demanded he stop and when that didn't work I begged him to stop and when that didn't work I gave in and just accepted. With each crack of the paddle I cried and prayed for the end. Then he stopped and I was so relieved I though I had survived. Then Master told me to count off the last ten and to tell him reasons why a slave should always show the proper respect... sighssss we weren't done. And let me tell you to come up with 10 reasons in between hiccuping sobs waiting for the paddle to assault your bottom again isn't easy. Those 10 easily turned into at least 15 before we were over. Master then asked me if we he would have to deal with this again to which I said no Sir and then he said... another 10 for good measure? (okay only a complete idiot would say yes to this) and then said we were done and I could go wash myself up. I just laid there for a few minutes not wanting to move and crying to myself. After I washed myself up and went out into the livingroom and waited in the doorway. He told me to come to him, when I did I dropped to my knees and kissed his feet before he could say anything. I told him how truly sorry I was and he lifted my chin, told me he loved me, all was forgiven and kissed me. ~smiles~ We cuddled on the couch and watched tv the rest of the morning while I napped on and off. I truly love him to death.

Tuesday Master left me a list of chores a mile and a half long that no woman without super powers (and a small army) could complete. It was a challenge, a game, could I actually accomplish the impossible? Master is famous for these little challenges. This time I was determined to win. I got up at 5:30 and started and didn't break until a little before noon to chat with my sister (and even while I was chatting I was dusting the computer room... How is that for dedication?) Part of me just wanted to quit; it's not like our house isn't spotless to begin with. I was scrubbing areas I didn't even know existed. The list was unfair and impossible and it was designed so I couldn't win. (Sadistic man) I mean really what is the point? But as I was scrubbing, cleaning and suffering brief bouts of self-pity I realized that I should be grateful that I was given these chores by a Master who loves me. Isn't this what I wanted? Haven't I prayed for this? Haven't I asked and begged Master to train me so that I will finish the race and win the prize? Master is training me and building me up for a reason, namely, so that I am what he wants me to be. He cares enough to challenge and discipline me, to help me grow, to make me better.
Isn't all of that cause for joy? I stopped looking at them as chores but saw them as signs of my love for him and as soon as I realized that I was like a woman with renewed purpose. I didn't get all the chores on my list accomplished because I realized I had to go back and take care of the little details that I had purposely neglected earlier. Master did punish me for not completing the list he had left but I was happy about it. It was a moment of true revelation and somewhere in my heart I was happy that he had won. (but one of these days I'm going to win) But thank you Master, for everything you have done for me and everything you have given me. Everything I have belongs to you, and I want to share what you have given me through my dedication and work.

Then yesterday as Master and I were driving home we got into an accident. A young girl who wasn't familiar with the area thought she needed to turn right. She put her right signal on and started into her turn when she realized that in fact she needed to turn left so at the last minute she tried to cross over and slammed into us. I don't think she even knew we were there. Master had cut a hard left to avoid her but she just kept coming towards up into the turn. By the grace of God no one was hurt and for that I offer a prayer of thanks. I felt really bad for her she was a young and looked so nervous. I kept trying to tell her that in the scheme of life this was a minor inconvenience and that everything would work out.

Okay I'm suppose to be packing right now so we can leave for Thanksgiving, though I am not looking forward to a moment of it due to the problems we are having with Master’s wacko sister... So I better go and take my pillow with me... though I think it is doing my butt more good then it will my head... sighssss so I will say it again I want a DO OVER!

This -&- That

2005-11-19T23:42:00.000-06:00

Let it snow Let it snow Let it snow!
OH my word it's snowing... it snowed Wednesday, Friday and again today... Yippee! I love, love, love the first snow fall of the season. I think it's that I like going out and watching the kids have so much fun. (okay and yeah me too) I have promised the kids this year we will make the biggest bestest snow fort there ever was. :-)

Okay since it has been forever and a day since I last posted I thought I better get my act in gear but the blogging powers to be didn't see it that way. Just as I started getting in gear my computer illiterate brain got in the way and some how I managed to wipe out my posts Sighsssss so it was the beautiful mija to the rescue once again lol. though i now noticed I don't have a comment section.. lol wonder what I did with that now.

It seems the last few weeks life just takes over and there is no stopping it. Both the boys have had the flu, I've been feeling horrible and Master threw his back out so I have been trying to take care of them and trying to get a cookbook for our PTO typed up. Let me say that if I never type another recipe I will die a happy woman. A lot of friends keep asking me why I have been volunteering so much and I think today it finally dawned on me. Since I am no longer working full time I think I was subconsciously trying to validate my life by taking on other things. Don't get me wrong I have always volunteered but lately there isn't a day that goes by when I haven't been. Between PTO, CCD, literacy circles, carnivals, book fairs, and now the cook book there is little time for anything else. I am more tired now then when I was putting in 40 hours a week. I'm not sure that this is what Master had in mind when he had me drop down to part time. On a good note however, I managed to get all the Christmas shopping done last week, and in this family that's an amazing feat in and of itself.

On the M/s front all is going well. We haven't scened lately (because Master threw his back out) so I have been spending most of my time caring for him and two sick children. I did have one major blow-up (more like tantrum) this morning and doors were slammed and not very slave like words were spewed. Why did I do it? Partly because I am tired and not feeling good myself. Partly I felt sorry for myself, like I am always the one doing all the work even while I feel like crap (okay, okay so it was a duh slave moment). And last because I am human. I honestly couldn't even tell you what set me off. One moment I was in the kitchen making omelets and the next I was slamming skillets and cabinet doors while muttering obscenities to myself. I just felt like it would be nice once in awhile if someone would take care of me when I'm sick instead of me trying to suck it up. After I set Masters plate I retrieved my own and sat down with out his permission. I knew the choice was wrong but I didn't care. He asked me what was wrong and I spit out words like nothing and never mind and before I knew it I jumped up and ran off to the bedroom throwing myself on the bed and pulling the covers over my head. Before long Master was down the hall and ordered me to strip and get into the shower. Instantly the fight left me but it was to little to late. Master's eyes were hard and looked at me until I headed to the bathroom. I stripped down and stepped in. Master told me to kneel down and interlock my fingers behind my neck and not move. I tried to talk him out of it and stalled a bit knowing what was coming. He grabbed my hair pulling my head back and towards him and whispered "Instant obedience" into my ear. That was it I wasn't going to push any farther. I knelt down and waited for the cold water to hit me. (The punishment in our house for hot tempers is cold showers. Master claims a cold shower will cure the hottest of tempers). The water was like ice and within seconds I was painfully cold. I was probably only under the water for 2 or 3 minutes but it felt like a lifetime. Master told me to get out and to kneel before him and explain what brought on such an unacceptable outburst. I don't know what it is but whenever I am on my knees I am in a different place. It settles and calms me no matter where I am at mentally. Everything I have felt about the problems at work, and with his sister, and with the kids being sick, and the holidays came pouring out. I told him how awful I felt and how much my body ached and that I just wanted to be able to be sick with out taking care of everyone else. I sobbed and told him how selfish I felt for feeling this way and that I was mostly frustrated with myself. He told me he understood all of my feelings and that he was sorry he hadn't helped more in the last day or two. Then made it very clear that this type of behavior was completely unacceptable in his home and that I have a date with his belt tomorrow. He told me to go towel off and put on a warm pair of jammies and crawl in bed. I slept until a little after noon and felt mush better when I got up. Sighssssss why does everything seem to make more sense after the fact and not before you actually do it.

2005-11-08T20:24:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh oh my gosh I was tagged! Never thought it would happen... woohoo for me hee hee and a thousand kisses to theresa! Sighs okay okay so my life is pretty boring I know lol but I am still excited!

1. Were you named after anyone? My middle name (Patrice) is a version of my father's name.
2. When did you last cry? Last week
3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast Beef
4. What is your most embarrassing CD? My Fair Lady (but I love it)
5. Where is your second home? My kids school... I am always there.
6. Do you trust others too easily? Yes, and it often gets me in hot water
7. What was your favorite toy as a child? Anything science
8. Would you bungee jump? In a heart beat
9. Do you think that you are strong? When I need to be.
10. What are your favorite colors? seafoam green, burgundy and gold.
11. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My inability to say no and my eyes.
12. Who do you miss most? My Cousin
13. What was the last thing you ate? Pizza
14. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I think it depends on what part of me you were coloring with... my soul would be white... my heart would be purple... and of course my butt would be red ;-)
18. Last Movie You Watched? hmmm in a theater was flight plan... at home was herbie
19. Favorite Day of the Year? October 4th Our anniversary, July 10th my sons birthday, Aug. 1st our other son, and of course christmas.
20. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation? Williamsburg, VA
21. Favorite Smells? Master's cologne, baking bread, and a newborn baby... yum
22. What's the furthest you've been away from home? Martinique...

okay okay now I get to tag my sister... scarlett and christina (if you haven't already been tagged sexy)

What kind of Queen are you?

2005-11-04T08:31:00.000-06:00

In sticking with my I wanna be a princess mood... I thought this would be a fiotting quiz lol

You are a Fire Queen. You are a Brave warroir and
you know how to fight for yourselve and your
kingdom. Your kingdom is very strong and
wealthy. You might get in some wars but mostly
you win and you fear nothing!

What kind of Queen are you? ( With BEAUTIFULL pictures)
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